Help/request
Does anyone have/remember the poster who came home a day early to find his wife getting bare-backed in their bedroom by the "pool-guy?"
I think he was a police detective. Went straight to divorce with her (as best I remember)
Thanks
14 comments posted: Thursday, September 19th, 2024
Talking about your issues
just something I have and go back to occasionally to see if I'm still working correctly
If you are interested, there are several embedded URLs in the original - Google the first sentence - will take you to New York Times page
When your car breaks down, you either know how to fix it or how to find someone who can. Emotions, on the other hand, are a little harder to fix. There is no wrench you can grab or repair shop you can take your feelings to. But you do have one tool in your kit you can always use: talking about your feelings. Even just speaking about your feelings out loud to another person can help. So why do we avoid it or believe it doesn’t work?
There are a lot of reasons talking about our problems can be difficult. Some people (especially men) are socialized to internalize feelings, rather than give voice to them. Sometimes the very emotions you’re dealing with — like guilt over something you did, or shame about how you think you’re perceived — can feel so overwhelming that you can’t get up the motivation to talk it out.
Regardless of the reason you might keep it in, talking has powerful psychological benefits that might not be obvious. "Talking about it" is a broad phrase, though, so let’s clarify a bit. When we discuss talking about your problems, it can take a few forms.
Venting to a trusted friend. Sometimes you just need to let out how you’re feeling with no real plan for a solution. "I had the worst day at work!" can be the start of a conversation that helps you process the stress of a hard day.
Discussing a conflict with a partner. Fights happen in relationships. But keeping your feelings to yourself can cause issues between you and your partner to fester. While working toward constructive solutions to your relationship problems is always a good thing, just being able to be open about your feelings with your partner can make your communication healthier as well.
Talk therapy with a licensed therapist. There’s a reason people will pay money to talk through problems with a therapist. Whether you need to discuss a mental illness you’re struggling with, are in couples counseling to work on your relationship or just need someone to talk to who knows how to handle stress, a good therapist can help you hash out your emotions.
Being open about your struggles. Sometimes venting to no one in particular can help not just you, but others as well. For example, in 2015 Sammy Nickalls, a writer, started the social media hashtag #TalkingAboutIt to encourage people to be open about their struggles with mental illness. The act of sharing what daily life is like can help you and others with the same struggles realize that you’re not alone and that what feels overwhelming is actually normal.
What all of these forms have in common is that they are conversations specifically designed to examine and express the emotions you are having, rather than building to a specific solution. Figuring out things you can do to improve your situation is certainly good, but just verbalizing how you’re feeling can, itself, be part of the solution as well.
Why does talking about it help?
Getting a new job, breaking up with a bad partner or investing in your own self-improvement are all practical things you can do to solve problems in your life. But what good does just talking about it do? When you’re fighting the exhausting uphill battle against your own negative feelings, it can seem as if talking about it is the least productive thing you can do.
In reality, your brain and body get a lot out of talking.
When you are feeling very intense feelings — especially fear, aggression or anxiety — your amygdala is running the show. This is the part of the brain that, among other things, handles your fight or flight response. It is the job of the amygdala, and your limbic system as a whole, to figure out if something is a threat, devise a response to that threat if necessary, and store the information in your memory so you can recognize the threat later. When you get stressed or overwhelmed, this part of your brain can take control and even override more logical thought processes.
Research from U.C.L.A. suggests that putting your feelings into words — a process called "affect labeling" — can diminish the response of the amygdala when you encounter things that are upsetting. This is how, over time, you can become less stressed over something that bothers you. For example, if you got in a car accident, even being in a car immediately afterward could overwhelm you emotionally. But as you talk through your experience, put your feelings into words and process what happened, you can get back in the car without having the same emotional reaction.
(No soliciting)
Research from Southern Methodist University suggested that writing about traumatic experiences or undergoing talk therapy had a positive impact on a patient’s health and immune system. The study argues that holding back thoughts and emotions is stressful. You have the negative feelings either way, but you have to work to repress them. That can tax the brain and body, making you more susceptible to getting sick or just feeling awful.
None of that is to say that talking about your problems, or even talk therapy with a licensed therapist, will automatically fix everything and immediately make you happy and healthy. But, like eating better and exercising, it can contribute to overall improvement in your well-being. More important, it can help you understand how and why you feel the way you do, so you can handle your emotions more effectively in the future.
How can we do it better?
Crucially, not every form of talking about problems aloud can help. In fact, multiple studies examining college students, young women and working adults suggest that co-rumination — or consistently focusing on and talking about negative experiences in your life — can have the opposite effect, making you more stressed and drawing out how long a problem bothers you. To talk about your problems more constructively, there are a few key things you can do.
Choose the right people to talk to. If you’ve ever talked about how you’re feeling and it seems as if you got nothing out of it, you might be talking to the wrong person. Having a trusted friend who will support you (without enabling bad habits like co-rumination) can help. If you need specific advice on a problem, find someone who has faced similar problems and, ideally, has resolved them. And if you need a lot of talk time, try spreading your conversations out to multiple people. One person can get worn out, and having a broad social support system lets you distribute that load.
Choose the right time to talk. Just as important as choosing who to talk to is when you talk to them. Your friends may want to support you, but they have their own lives. Asking if they have the time and energy to talk before unpacking your emotional bags can help you both be better equipped for the conversation. This also means being courteous about their time. Sometimes crises happen and you might need to interrupt someone, but most supportive conversations can wait.
Find a therapist, even if you’re not mentally ill. Therapists often have a reputation for being necessary only if you have a mental illness. This isn’t the case. You can go to therapy if you are feeling overly stressed, if you are not sleeping well or if you just want someone to talk to. Think of it less like seeing a doctor and more like a personal trainer. Also, remember that just as with doctors, mechanics or anyone else you hire, there are good ones and bad ones (or bad ones for you), so if you don’t have success the first time, try someone else.
Give yourself an endpoint. Not all conversations about your problems need to lead to a plan of action for tangible change, but they do need to lead to something other than more complaining. Give yourself space to vent about your feelings and, while doing so, focus on how you are feeling throughout the process. If you are getting more worked up, take a break. If you find yourself talking about the same things over and over without gaining any new understanding or feeling any relief, try something else to process how you are feeling. You may not be able to fix the external problem that is bothering you, but the goal should at least be to improve your mood about it.
Talk about the good as well as the bad. Expressing how you’re feeling is healthy. Expressing yourself only when you feel bad isn’t. Whether you are talking to friends, partners or on social media, be sure to share your good experiences and feelings when they come up. Talking about these experiences can reinforce them in your brain and make it easier to break out of negative thought patterns later. Plus, it helps build your relationships with the people you are close enough to talk to.
Of course, this process can still be messy. Some days, talking about your problems may just be complaining about something that happened at work, but others it may involve crying into someone’s shoulder for an hour. It can feel embarrassing or uncomfortable the first few times, but the more you open up, the easier it will get to share how you feel.
0 comment posted: Monday, March 4th, 2024
Before you buy a book? amazon reviews?
Curious how other vet a book?
I look up reviews first and hit amazon first (easy to find)
and I read the lowest reviews first.
I just looked at "To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay" - and found the lowest reviews - revealing.
"Religious based" - "Guide on how to justify leaving marriage" - etc.
OTOH - I bought "The Body Keeps the Score" and reading the worse amazon reviews - got the idea the posters had little interest ing serious thinking.
I read the whole book and I will say it is a difficult read - not up with "Solid State Physics" but takes some thinking to read
successfully.
I found it helpful understanding my long term emotions regarding my "cheater"
How do you vet a book?
5 comments posted: Tuesday, February 20th, 2024
Why should I stay with someone who is "Broken" aka "slept together"
Just to broach the subject
I see lots or most folks want to stay (afraid of change?) with their cheating spouse.
and we paste over their cheating by saying they and AP "slept together" WTF?
I'm not an expert on human physiology but as best I know, not to many folks have the ability to perform coitus while sleeping.
I don't "get" the why people can't speak the obvious. Something wifey said and I nailed her that instant.
Bullshix with a capital T
So why the "euphemism" ????!!! OK? I know the definition but why skirt the reality of what they did? I'm baffled.
OK, side note - I am a "techie" type person and 99% of the crap I deal with is not human. FWIW
I am annoyed at threads where the BS "accepts" the WS has offered them all kinds of critters via their activities (some lifetime) and seem (?) to accept that is part/parcel to staying with the morally crippled partner.
side note: My "WS" is adamant she didn't do the deed - well trading spit is pretty close - (gag)
side note # 2: been a long time but kissing is no longer something I enjoy (not like when I was a TEENAGER!!!) -
31 comments posted: Friday, February 16th, 2024
Passive Aggressive?
Are you or have you been judged "Passive Aggressive" and/or your mates? Significant Other?
My SO uses "Fine" when something comes up in a discussion in which we differ on meaning or resolution.
The intonation and timing of using "Fine" can covey passive aggressive attitude. Other times not . . .
How do you work on an issue when the other person "goes passive aggressive?"
Another word used: "Whatever" also can be ok - context is how it's used - usually to end a discussion with which you disagree?
Silent treatment? another way to be passive aggressive?
How about this one: "Can we agree to disagree?"
what am I fishing for? - some insight on how to disarm or stop passive aggressive behavior in a mate and also oneself
Note that some passive aggressive behavior is learned (sad?) or cultural? (Japan)
10 comments posted: Thursday, February 15th, 2024
SiteAdmin/Mod please
trying to respond to PM and "web page stuck on loading" when posting
happenes both firefox and chrome browsers and reboot PC - no workeee
past faiure has happened intermittently in past but not enough to worry with
tonight - just reply on private message not working at all
just and advirsory - something goofy somewhere
My Internet is 10 gig Fiber to house
1 comment posted: Wednesday, February 14th, 2024
Interested in Swinging?
While looking up for info in order to better understand a fellow human's predicament - ran into this: (not all the text - left out the religious stuff to adhere to SI rules)
I say this applies equally well to infidelity.
Swinging: Is It Just Sex?
The troubling thing about swinging is that people who participate in "the lifestyle" believe that it is "just sex". The trouble is that it’s not just sex. It’s so much more.
There is much much more that goes on in human physiology, the human mind, the human heart and the human soul than just the physical act of sex. Sexual climax is a powerful tool and serves a purpose. It is a tool that is meant to accomplish many things and that is why it feels so awesome. We know this, but we often want to reject it in order to pursue a sexual impulse or fantastical desire. So whether you are considering entering the Lifestyle or have already jumped in, feet first, there’s some things you need to know.
How Sex Happens
An examination of human physiology reveals some interesting facts. In modern western culture we are sophisticated enough to understand that some things happen to our bodies when we participate in the sex act, particularly when we climax. One of the things that happens is the release of hormones. There are primarily two (though these aren’t the only two, there are others that come into play as well) hormones released during climax that scientists have found of interest.
Both males and females release the hormone oxytocin. You might recognize this as the "mother" hormone as it is the same hormone released during childbirth which aids in the bonding of mother and baby. Now that might not sound very sexy, but understand that oxytocin is a bonding hormone. When two people join together sexually and experience climax, this hormone is released and is meant to bond the two together. Further, after sex males experience a hormone called vasopressin. This hormone is sometimes known as the "monogamy molecule" and serves to create feelings of protectiveness over and a desire to stay with his mate. Oxytocin and vasopressin are part of what make us want to stay bonded with a mate in order to rear a family together.
Advocates for multiple sex partners and the Lifestyle may want to remove these physiological realities from the sex act, but it is impossible. Climax serves the purpose of bonding the two partners together for the long haul. Scientists studying these chemicals theorize that the more sex a couple has, the more bonded they become. When you participate in the sex act with multiple partners you diminish the effects and decrease your chances of bonding with your partner. You increase your chances of bonding with partners outside your marriage, despite all the rules the Lifestyle advocates set in place to govern sexual activity without outsiders. And because the effects of sexual climax involve many other brain chemicals which involve pleasure such as dopamine and opioids, you create within yourself the possibility of an addictive draw towards sex and sex with multiple partners. I mean, did you catch that? Opioids. As in opiates, as in, strong chemical reactions akin to the euphoria of recreational drugs. It is, at least in part, a matter of science.
More Than Sex
Yet there is something within most people that understands we transcend mere science. The neuroscience behind sexual acts is one thing and the reality of the soul-ties involved in sex is another. Despite all our troubles throughout human history with sexual monogamy and sexual fidelity, the vast majority of us long for this and hope to find it. That is why, when asked, many people will say that if other couples choose that life that’s fine, but as for me, I prefer exclusivity. Even many who refuse to call the Lifestyle what it is—sinful—still do not want to live it out in their own lives. What they really want is an exclusive relationship.
Why?
We all want to know we are worthy of somebody’s love, worthy of being picked. We all want to know that just as we are, faults, quirks, extra pounds and all, that we are enough. It’s true, no one can be anyone else’s fully comprehensive "enough." Only God can truly be that, and truthfully both males and females need friendships outside the marriage. But my spouse should be my best friend—the one person who gets to share with me our very most intimate selves. When that occurs, we both find safety and security and can participate in other healthy friendships and larger communities.
But Humans Aren’t Meant to be Monogamous!
Lifestyle advocates and some (and not all, believe me, I’ve been doing the research) secular psychologists will tell you that couples that partner swap and participate in various other swinging activities are healthier emotionally and that they actually involve less cheating. This is only because the partners have essentially "legalized" adultery. I can decrease crime statistics by making a lot of things legal, but that doesn’t mean I should. They site a lack of jealousy as the case in point for emotional health.
In reality, these partners have found an easy way to ignite a sexual thrill without putting in the emotional work it requires to maintain a healthy, vibrant and monogamous sexual relationship with a married partner. They will cite many things, such as greater emotional maturity, in order to be able handle your partner having sex with other people. This, however, discounts the greater emotional maturity it requires to stay faithful to a single married partner with whom you’ve built a life.
We could argue emotional maturity all day, but the fact remains: the human heart tends towards hoping for an exclusive, exciting and loving relationship. The world will tell you can’t have that. It will tell you that you need something outside of your marriage partner, like bringing others into your bed or pornography. It will tell you that it’s normal. It will tell that it’s the only way to "spice up" your sexual relationship. I’m telling you it’s laziness and what’s more, it’s a lie.
The Truth about Swinging
The ugly truth is the Lifestyle has brutalized many marriages. Every site you read that advocates the Lifestyle will tell you "just make rules and always, always follow them." Here’s the trouble—even the advocates realize that there have to be some kind of boundaries. They instinctually know that there are certain rules of intimacy that shouldn’t be broken, even if they are having sex with multiple partners outside of the marriage. These boundaries include things like: no kissing someone besides your spouse (kissing is considered too intimate) or no meeting with another partner outside of agreed upon arrangements, or no sex without condoms. The trouble is, we get a little deeper into those intimate sexual relationships and very often find ourselves craving more. Remember those opioids and all those hormones? Here they are wrestling all your well-intended rules to the ground until they cry "uncle" and there you are having unprotected sex or setting up secret meetings. You never meant to. But you did. There is a secret to avoiding unprotected or secret sex with your swinging partners. Don’t have any in the first place.
Stop Searching for Love in All the Wrong Places
Here’s the bottom line. We all long for deeply connected relationships and having that requires something of us. Real love is not nearly so much about how much pleasure you get from a relationship but is rather defined by what you are willing to do for your partner’s well-being, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Marital fidelity, both emotionally and physically creates the safest place for your partner to flourish. Knowing that you are never comparing your partner to another lover, that your very best is saved only for that one person, that you are physically safe from disease that you are bonded together in order to give one another love and comfort as well as security for the children of your union—that is the safest place for you and your partner to find rest, love and companionship. When that is compromised either consensually or secretly by one or both partners, the safety and intimacy of your relationship and the future of your family unit is placed in danger.
There is no moment of physical release worth the risk of losing your marriage and your family.
3 comments posted: Monday, December 11th, 2023
