Me- BW, mid 30s Him(Fake Husband)- late 30s, 6 week PA with COW 3 kids, 15 years married Dday Oct 2016

Fiction without infidelity?

The last few books I've started all seem to revolve around infidelity. I try to read reviews carefully and avoid books that talk about "seemingly perfect marriages" and secrets to be revealed, but affairs always seem to pop up. I have a beach vacation coming up and would like to load my Kindle with some safer options because I won't have internet access to screen before I start reading. I don't mind books that mention affairs, but don't like to read the details of a character engaging in one. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

1 comment posted: Saturday, June 1st, 2019

Option B

I read this book this weekend and it was excellent. It was written by a widow and a friends of hers whose specialty is psychology. They pull from many different resources (science, religion, philosophy) and share information about building resiliency. The idea for the book came after the woman lost her husband unexpectedly, and how she learned how to cope with the grief. The way she describes her grief paralleled how I felt after d-day. I hope I don't sound callous comparing an affair to becoming a widow, but it is a huge loss in its own way.

One part that especially hit for me was where the authors shared a concept from a psychologist called the 3 P's. Avoiding personalization (making it all about you), permanence (it will always be like this), and pervasiveness (that is affects everything) can help you overcome adversity. I have done all three of these over and over when it comes to sorting my BS emotions. I am going to make an effort to identify these feelings when I have them and try to redirect my thinking and recognize what is true and what is not.

I checked this book out from the library, but am going to buy a copy so I can reread and highlight all the good stuff. I definitely recommend this book! If anyone else has read it, I would love to hear what you think of it.

1 comment posted: Monday, June 11th, 2018

Daring Greatly

I am about 25% of the way into this book and I can't seem to click with it like I did The Gifts of Imperfection and especially Rising Strong. I can't decide if it's just not as good, or if I am not feeling very open to the message about vulnerability. Did anyone else like it less than Brene Brown's other books?

4 comments posted: Tuesday, May 15th, 2018

Your Reviews of Recommended Books

It seems like a lot of books are recommended over and over here. I thought it might be fun to have a thread where people can post what they read and what they thought of it. I hope there isn't another thread like this out there somewhere. If so, I apologize for copying it

Not Just Friends: Hit very close to home. We started reading it together but I had to stop about halfway through because it was so painful. Good information, but I will have to come back to it.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal: WH listened to this audiobook on his own and then we listened to it together shortly after d-day. He listened to it again a few months after d-day and said he got even more out of it by listening again when he was further out from the situation. The successful rebuilder list has been an excellent guide for him. He was so lost those first few days after d-day, I think this gave him much needed direction. I found it helpful as the BS too, hearing that the things I needed (NC, transparency) were normal and could be expected.

Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley: This had some good nuggets of wisdom, but I felt it encouraged rugsweeping (encouraging BS not to bring up affair often) and BS blaming. It even included an example of a BS writing a letter of apology to his WS! Not my cup of tea. I wouldn't recommend it.

Living and Loving After Betrayal: Lots of good information. I like how this one covered the physiological (I think that is right) effects of trauma. There are tons of written exercises in here. I only did a handful but still found the book tremendously helpful.

What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman: Excellent book, one of the best I've read. It touches on infidelity a bit, but mostly focuses on relationship building skills. I wish we would have read this years ago, although I don't know if WH would have listened to the message as closely then. Very helpful.

The Gifts of Imperfection and Rising Strong by Brene Brown: Both very helpful in personal healing. I found Rising Strong especially powerful, but i think I just read it at the right time. I wrote pages and pages in my journal while reading Rising Strong, thinking about what is true vs. what I am telling myself is true. WH is reading her book Daring Greatly now and I am looking forward to reading it when he is done.

Up next...When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.

I'm interested in hearing what others thought of these books, and also what books you guys have read and what you thought of them.

0 comment posted: Monday, September 4th, 2017