Nocturnal Panic Attacks
For the past few weeks I've woken several nights with Nocturnal Panic Attacks. For no apparent reason.
I'm years from any DDays. WH and I are doing very well together. No major trigger days or daily triggers. Just waking at night in a panic [no nightmares/dreams preceding them]. But Holy BLEEP! They suck. The chest pains, the rapid breathing, the sweat, the horror of it all....I've had enough post DDay to recognize them for what they are.
And the worst is I'm awake for hours in their aftermath, trying to convince myself it just a night time panic attack and do all the mental self soothing exercises.
Anyone else?
4 comments posted: Friday, November 8th, 2024
I See a Light in You
"I see a light in you"
That’s what someone said to me this weekend while at a birthday celebration for a friend. "I see a light in you." I’d only met this person one other time, briefly.
Then the person proceeded to grab my hand and say "I see a light in you. It shines bright. You radiate light and try to spread that light to others. I can see battle scars around it – but they couldn’t dim your light. Be careful – they will try again"
Days later, I still can’t get that conversation out of my mind. I find myself wondering – does this person know, think they know, have heard tales, etc. of WH and LTAP? Does this person fancy themselves a spiritual person or seer of sorts? Was this person just trying to make conversation and pay a compliment? Was there a hidden message? Was this alcohol talking (the person didn't seem impaired but was drinking - I was driving so not drinking at all which is why I have such clarity of the conversation)
I waffled between feeling compliment and perplexed. I also felt like a walking Nora Roberts novel.
3 comments posted: Monday, April 22nd, 2024
Holiday Funk
Greetings from the Land of Chaos!
Things are going well with my personal life and with my relationship with WH. But...'Tis the Season I'm in a Holiday Funk and going through the motions.
I have no particular trigger for the Christmas & New Years Holidays. Yes, it was a LTA but while other days are heavy trigger days (like I want to hide in a bunker for days before, during and after [ahem - my birthday, Valentine's Day and Mother's Day]) I just feel numb.
A few years back in 2020 - for the first time - I actually felt my Joy return. I actually enjoyed the merriment and lights and decorations. I actually gleefully participated in events. Then...that February... I caught LTAP making fake profiles attempting to reach out to WH [and blew that up to OBS] which resulted in WH hiring an attorney and sending what the attorney called a "strongly worded Cease and Desist to the Bunny Boiler"
Since then...blah at best - anxiety filled bundle of glittery nerves or nothingness at worst.
Trust me SI friends, I'm doing all the self care things. And in true Chaos fashion, am amping up the sparkle in my undies and lipgloss when feeling particularly down. I have my trusty emergency Xanax Rx if things get too overwhelming - and remind myself there is no shame in using it. I track my exercise and make sure I'm bundling up and getting fresh air when I go walking.
Anyone else? BS and/or WS? And if so...what are you doing to either overcome or just sit and feel the feels?
PS - yes...my VS and ULTA carts are locked and loaded and just waiting for me to pull the trigger :)
2 comments posted: Saturday, November 25th, 2023
I reclaimed Halloween
While Halloween was never a major trigger, it is a minor nuisance. It used to be my favorite Holiday.
Post DDays, I learned that while I was home being Mom doing Mom things with my then pre-teen/young teen child, WH band was playing. And LTAP was in attendance. Once, she won a "sexiest costume" prize when WH band was playing. Mmm….hmmmm.
Since them, I haven’t really dressed up. If we went out I’d go to Dollar Tree and get some sort of festive headband and call it done [think, cat ears, etc.]. I’d have the nod to participation and inwardly groan. I’m a BASGU. I don’t need the validation of contests but also didn’t want to deal with the [perceived] rejection of a "loss". Because the Rabbit Hole of "LTAP could win and you couldn’t" is a motherfucker. WH and I discussed this at length last year (after a mini-flooding episode).
So this year, we went. And in an 11th hour decision, decided to wear some old stuff we had around the house. We’d "participate" in the event but wouldn’t "enter" the contest(s). Compromise at its finest.
There we were, at this event, all in our glory doing our golden-couple thing. And me, being me, danced the night away. WH, knowing it was a kind of bittersweet type participation, danced along with me a good amount of the time.
Towards the end of the night, the band made an announcement. They decided instead of having an audience participation type vote – they were awarding the prize to the best costumed couple dancers – that was based on their observations of the crown throughout the night. They just watched and awarded.
And wouldn’t you know – that envelope with all that prize money was handed to me.
19 comments posted: Tuesday, October 31st, 2023
Birthday Month - Panic Attacks
Hi y'all. I've been off SI for a few weeks, giving myself a mental break and enjoying my life [which has been going well].
But for the past few weeks, my old 2am friends Panic Attack & Anxiety have decided to pay me a visit. Every night for the past few weeks. I wake up panicked, struggling to breathe, sometimes crying. I've been known to walk around the house looking for something to explain this. I've stook outside in the night chill to feel something other than panic. I haven't had this since around the time we had to send the C&D two years back.
There is no rhyme nor reason. I have no active fears nor suspicions. WH has been open, honest and transparent (and I've checked everything). But he's noticed my struggles. He's initiated conversations (bringing it up himself). He's reassured. He's been delicate and supportive. At this point, him I trust. LTAP - never. And when the attorney calls her a Bunny Boiler (for all her cyberstalking and creating fake profiles to attempt to reach out after years) - I tend to believe him.
The only thing I can think of is it is my birthday month and my birthday is a whopping huge trigger. For those that don't remember after DDay1 but before the final DDay where I discovered they'd gone underground and then exposed to OBX finally he throw me an elaborate milestone birthday party with all my friends and family. The next day went to watch football with some friends - I even packed up party leftovers. Only to find out from OBS that LTAP was in town that weekend and WH admitted when confronted that he wasn't watching football with friends, but holed up in a local hotel with LTAP watching football in bed while picnicking in my party leftovers. Since that day, I can't celebrate. In fact, around the first of the month, I just move my age up a digit and call it done. It easier for me that way.
I'm thinking that this month is the catalyst, but it hasn't' hit me like this in years. I do have an emergency Rx of Xanax for when those Panic Attacks hit hard from out of nowhere, but I don't like to take them unless it is an emergency or a one-off type scenario. This is recurring and I don't want to make that Rx part of my nightly routine.
I've got lots of notes and such for my next IC appointment. And will call my GP if things get worse. But any suggestions from those who have BTDT especially after a long period of not having them. And when life is going well [again]?
7 comments posted: Monday, September 11th, 2023
a "WE" problem
WH is going out of state to help a family member with a construction issue. He’s used visiting family out of state as cover during his LTA. So this is a trigger point for me. He’s been upfront, transparent, even used speakerphone to make all arrangements with the family member to put me at ease. I have no worries that anything inappropriate is going on or will happen. With the trip fast approaching, I’ve been having bad trigger symptoms – can’t sleep, horrible anxiety, overly quiet.
The other day, WH noticed my withdraw, pushed and I unloaded – not in anger or venting. Calmly talking but explaining how all this affects me - him legitimately doing something that he’s used as cover many times before. He did mention tracking on his vehicle and phone, etc. I flat out responded he’s not a teenager and I’m not interested in having a 2 legged pet. And in reality – the tracker would only tell me where his vehicle and/or phone is. Not where HE is. I said that’s false sense of security at best and a level that I have no interest in monitoring at this stage in the game.
He went on to explain how he’s not that LTA person anymore and not in that LTA headspace anymore and elaborated. I agreed and appreciated. I told him I KNOW that but I can’t pick/choose my triggers or how/when they will affect me. I said sometimes it just sucks to be me and that’s ME problem for ME to deal with.
WH said no, this is a WE problem and for US to deal with. Y’all – that stopped me in my tracks and totally disarmed anything I was going to say. Because…in the moment…that’s pretty much the BEST thing he could have said and the BEST approach he could have taken. Yes, I told him all this.
I’ve been better since.
9 comments posted: Friday, January 20th, 2023
Anyone else lose friends as a result of Reconcilliation
Few people know of WH LTA. Of those who did, early on after DDay 1, one invited me over for a drinks and crying fest. WH encouraged me to go. I did and it was helpful. For hours, I cried and raged and cried and held my head in my hands. I was offered comfort, wine and support. I was offered a plan and resources for D.
I choose for many reasons to try to R. And...in doing so...lost a long time friend. When I left there I felt the vibe. That if I kicked him to the curb I'd be embraced with support and assistance. But in attempting to R...I was met with coolness and distance.
Any attempts at socialization were shut down gracefully. If we found ourselves at similar events, there was politeness but that's about it. Over the years I have mourned the loss. WH and I even talked about it the other week. That he was sorry it happened but also angry on my behalf that I pour my heart out to someone who wanted to be there, only to get shunned for my decision.
Years have passed. Things are going well in the Land of Chaos. And I run into this person in the grocery store. It looked like a reunion - running down the isle, big squeals and hugs. Few minutes of catch up chit chat. We realized that we'd both be at the same event in a few weeks. More chit chat and girl talk. When we went about out shopping she said she'd see me at the event. I said why not sooner - let's get together for coffee or lunch and catch up. And there it was...coolness and a graceful decline.
I can't say I was surprised or even disappointed. I wasn't sad or heartbroken. But I felt a confirmation of sorts. Like I'd always assumed but now I knew. It was a sorrowful moment, a little bit of melancholy. But a type of closure.
I came home and told WH. Who was surprised she didn't try to hide. And he felt sad for me when I told him of her dismissal of my offer to catch up. I said, now I know. And as sad as it is - this is just a harsh side effect. The tentacles of infidelity are long and far reaching.
But I can't help wondering if I am alone. Has anyone else lost friends due to their decision to stay? It seems when it comes to friends, Camp Kick Him to the Curb is full of supporters. But Camp Reconciliation is a lonely place with few members.
7 comments posted: Friday, October 7th, 2022
My first U.T.I.
Gah! 53 years old and I have my first. And I don't like it. I drink my 64 oz water daily, I exercise regularly [with varying intensity]. I eat balanced. And I got my first UTI.
Any helpful hints from those who BTDT?
Pants and shorts are NOT my friend 
Good thing it summertime because maxi dresses
& sun dresses are my friends.
PS - as this is SI, I'm sure y'all know the "panic" when I realized something wasn't right down there. I am happy to report that I told WH I made an appointment to get this checked out and why. That I think it may be my first UTI but I'm not going to sit and wonder - or to to Walmart and try to self treat. He looked at me and gently said "I'm sure your mind is racing, but I promise you a UTI is the only thing it could be" I thanked him for the reassurance and understanding and told him I did google for my own curiosity. And given history, all testing must be done. He sadly understood but wanted to offer reassurance.
I am happy to report - it us a run of the mill UTI and the practitioner said if I've lived this long without one - I should count my blessings LOL. However she also complimented me on mentioning my fears and concerns and coming in when I did no matter how scared I was. Many women have caused themselves more problems [and some lifelong] by not being honest with their doctors or themselves.
8 comments posted: Sunday, August 21st, 2022
I bought a Kayak
WH and I got kayaks. We wanted to do that for a few years, but stupid budgetary responsibilities LOL.
So...we got them over the weekend and can't wait to use them [my vest had to be ordered - as I'm built like a Modern Day Marilyn - I need a vest designed for a woman - those unisex ones weren't butting it for me].
Anyway - kayaking SI buddies - give me some tips! We live not far from a local municipal park that has a 300 acre reservoir.
For reference is is the Pelican Bandit NXT 100 which is supposed to be good for beginners. She's blue (because they didn't have the pink). And she's beautiful. WH got one as well but that is designed for fishing.
I need a name for new kayak. I'm working on accessorizing her.
I'd love name suggestions as well as tips, tricks, helpful hints you all may share. Looking forward to gliding along the water and letting my mind go blank except for the peace and tranquility.
8 comments posted: Tuesday, May 31st, 2022
Healing from Infidelity
By Michelle Weiner-Davis
“The divorce busting guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair”
My new IC recommended this book to me today. I have downloaded it to my Kindle.
I’ve been seeing her due to PTSD due to LTAPs cyber stalking and attempts to get back with WH (a Cease and Desist letter had to be sent recently).
Anyone read it? Thoughts?
2 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021
