What is Irredeemable?
I don't know if redeemable is the correct word. It's just the best I can think of. Its a thought that pops up and I have a hard time shaking it. I understand that is a very personal line in the sand for everyone. BS's are welcome to respond as well.
If you've done things you thought were irredeemable, after the fact how did you move on? Or is that even an option? Moving on almost feels like accepting my actions or letting them go. I am not trying to punish myself by staying stuck there, I don't think. I just really don't want to rugsweep or ever fall back into the same patterns.
Do you just live your life the best way possible knowing you will always be a net negative. That nothing can ever make up for our past behavior. Basically stop doing more harm and live.
An easy example: If my daughter dates someone that puts her through the horrible atrocities I put my ex wife through. I would view that person to be irredeemable. So therefore I find myself irredeemable as well.
I think this is different from loving yourself. It's more of a moral hardline that now exists in me that obviously was missing before hand. I know self-love is very important and I am working on that. My IC and I have spent plenty of time uncovering why I feel unlovable and proving my thinking wrong. I feel I have made some major strides in that regard.
I am also aware this is very selfish talk. Someone with regret and remorse would be more focused on the victim. Feeling their pain. I believe I do that as well.
Is it wrong to even be questioning this? Just an example of a wayward putting their own feelings first? Am I focused on a label that doesn't really matter or exist? Again this is a self imposed label. Nothing the people I care for and love have put on me.
This post isn't coming from a place of shame. More like self reflection and lack of understanding.
22 comments posted: Wednesday, March 31st, 2021
Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable
This has been on my mind a lot lately and sure enough, a wise member here mentioned it on another thread. Seemed like a good enough reason to share what I am working on and feeling. This will probably be all over the place. Sorry.
I never considered myself conflict avoidant. In fact, I felt quite the opposite. I rather enjoyed conflict, as long as I was in control or it lacked emotional baggage. I loved playing devils advocate in a debate or involving myself in someone else’s problems. I’d throw out a rather simple solution and feel good about myself for being so smart (even though I lacked empathy and I usually was wrong).
But I am/was avoidant of anything that makes me emotionally uncomfortable. This was especially true before my world blew apart last year. Saying I love you to my then wife, made me uncomfortable. Singing a lullaby to my daughter made me uncomfortable. Being emotionally available to anyone was extremely uncomfortable. So I just didn’t do it. After all the confessions last year by my xW and I, sitting in the unknown was so fucking uncomfortable. Not knowing the outcome made my skin crawl!
Unfortunately, damn near everything makes me uncomfortable now. So, I just cannot continue to avoid it. Even SI makes me uncomfortable. When people would accuse me of running, or punishing, or minimizing, I’d get angry and just pretend they were wrong. Afterall I’m a special snowflake, they didn’t understand me. My IC has been great about making me sit and squirm in those awkward feelings. Trying to get me to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
My sister passed away last week. We knew it was coming (cancer), and I had made plans to visit. She died the day before I was supposed to arrive. My family history is complicated (surprise!), so I’m not very close to many of my family members. I was supposed to stay with these blood related strangers during the trip to visit my sister. Old avoidant me would have used plenty of easy excuses to not make the trip. I mean I’m just a stranger after all, plus my sister already passed, and let’s not forget about COVID. I was ready to call and cancel my flight and car reservations. I could feel myself hiding from being uncomfortable. I was going to ignore her death, like I did my fathers. Shed a quick tear and try to never think of them again. I was going to take the easy way out.
But I couldn’t. I’ve done that all my life and look what that’s gotten me! So I went……and I am so grateful that I did. We cried, we laughed, we even baked. Within 30 minutes of arriving at my stranger nephew’s house (he’s my age), we were underneath his Jeep replacing the starter. I no longer consider him a stranger. I love him and all the wonderful people I met or re-met after 20 years of disconnect. There were difficult uncomfortable moments, like sitting down and talking with my nieces after their mother passed. Or trying to comfort my other sister (they were very close). I didn’t know what to say or do most of the time, but at least I was there. At least I tried.
I’m still not comfortable being uncomfortable. But I am trying.
18 comments posted: Wednesday, December 16th, 2020
