Sad and confused

I am sure some, if not all of this will make me sound quite pathetic but I am sad and missing my EXWWBF.

He cheated on me and after DD2, I moved out of the flat and back to my parents home. I had a new job in a nearby city so after 3 months at my parents I moved to the new city (the weekend lockdown started here) so now I live here alone. He went on to move in with OW in Oct last year.

Since DD2 though, he and I have still communicated everyday. Nothing romantic at all (I def do not want reconciliation with him as a partner at all and nor does he I think). I would call it a friendship though I am sure the frequency of the messages might make it inappropriate on his side with OW - back and forth over the day. I also know he is still regularly communicating with my family (we never told them why we broke up but that was my decision because whilst I love them very much, they would use the information in a way I would not be happy with).

I have struggled with this friendship we have had for a while now. He had suggested various things we can do together when lockdown ends and I realised I was not sure if I could actually spend time with him, knowing him to be with OW.

Despite enjoying our friendship and chatting to him, I simultaneously felt that it was something I "shouldn't" be doing, that it was allowing him to have his cake and eat it and that it was not really giving him any consequences for the poor way he treated me. That I was tacitly forgiving his behaviour by overlooking it enough to be friends.

So last night I told him that we should stop messaging/talking to each other. I find it hard because in lockdown, I really don't get to talk to many other people - I have not been able to go out and make new friends because of lockdown (doing a bit online but its not the same) I really only have one or two friends and neither of them are great at keeping in touch. I know I will miss talking to him and am worried I have done this because I feel "I should" rather than on a basis of what is best for me or what I want.

Sorry, I guess I just want to write it all out somewhere

6 comments posted: Thursday, January 14th, 2021