Struggling

I made my first post on here in October of 2020. It’s hard to believe that it is now February of 2022.

I miss my old life. I can’t stand not having my child everyday. And I miss the companionship that my husband and I once shared.

I was so incredibly lost. Lost in "love," confusion, fear. My exhusband and I were working fine. We had struggles and disagreements. Mostly about our sex life, I just wasn’t much in mood ever. I’m not sure where it came from but it just sort of stopped for me. And that was never the case for him. That was really our only issue. At least I thought that until after I got into an emotional relationship with another man. When I did that, I opened up a world for pain and ugliness. I just wanted to make everything right and was scared out of my mind on how to do it. So I trickle truthed…a lot…for months. Until it finally all came out and then I filed for divorce. I needed so much help and my exhusband was ready for everything to go back to normal. And I couldn’t face him. I was confused with feeling in love with someone else. Doing this balancing act of what is right and wrong or what feels right but is wrong.

Anyways, I made so many mistakes and screwed everything up. And there are so many parts of me that want to knock on my exhusbands door and ask for us to walk through this together again. But since October of 2020, he has begun to dehumanize me. And in a lot of ways I don’t blame him. However, I do not know how to go knock on his door after everything that has been said. We have joint custody of our little girl, but this whole process has been torture. He told me he would make the divorce ugly, and he certainly has been ugly. We separated October 2020, divorced March 2021. From the moment we separated all the texts, phone calls, and voicemails began. Whether I had my daughter with me or not, I’d go to sleep with my phone going off all night and then again the next day. Sending me screen shots of the AP and his new life, sending me photos of our wedding day, and in between each photo is a message calling me names and talking about how I don’t deserve my daughter. The messages turned vial, and later I was given the name shitbag. So some mornings that I had my daughter, he would text me saying "good morning shitbag, how’s my daughter?" All this finally stopped last November after going to mediation and enforcing an APP only communication clause. And now, I’m just a warm body that keeps our daughter half the week.

I guess my point is that, I still feel the urge to go knock on that door. But my mistakes created a side of him that I am now terrified of. And I don’t know if this will ever go away. I’m not so much lost or in love anymore. But I am confused as to what relationship we actually had.

Thanks for listening.
I know all of this is my doing. I’m not looking for sympathy. Just needing to type this out today.

14 comments posted: Saturday, February 5th, 2022