I do not have all the answers

People say you don't know what you've got until you lose it.

5 days ago, I lost everything.

The dreadful event started with me on my mobile, trying to search for a photo while my BW was nearby. Suddenly, I scrolled across an image of a girl’s face. A face BW did not recognize and quickly asked me about, albeit somehow jokingly at first. After a few moments of panic, I said she was G, an ex-coworker. I tried to explain that it was downloaded by mistake; that was my first lie of the night. BW got suspicious and asked for the mobile, which I handed out. She found the image in the Facebook download folder, dated a few months back. She also found another photo of G from February. I foolishly tried to explain that this was also downloaded by mistake; lie number two. I felt mortified. She was shocked.

After a quick confrontation and a bunch of several unimaginable lies, she read a small part of my WhatsApp convo with G and innocently concluded that this was a harmless crush, and made fun of me for creeping over a pretentious girl. She was very, very angry, but also still very skeptical and lost. She did not realize that while this mess was unfolding, I managed to delete two other photos of G that were in my Whatsapp Profile Picture download folder.

As the confrontation developed, I kept talking nonsense until she finally exported my entire convo with G to her phone and started reading it. I genuinely thought nothing was incriminating in this convo and waited it out. It didn’t take long for her to return, completely aghast, saying that our relationship is over, that this was much more than a crush, that if not for the kids she would have sent me packing. She kept reading it all night.

In the morning, she had lost her wedding ring, her husband, and any shred of trust she could ever bestow upon me.

5 days ago, I lost everything. It was the worst day of my life.

It all began on the cursed Christmas of 2014. G was a random front desk coworker who’s been at the company for a year or two. Nothing was going on between us, we were not even friends. Until we played the secret Santa game. I was Santa, and G, with two others, was on the receiving end of one of the cunningest secret Santa episodes ever done at the company. She was naturally impressed, and a relationship began to develop. We started talking in person, and more so on Whatsapp.

For me, G was this frail and weak girl, who’s often sick, and who desperately needed support. I saw myself as the KISA, coming to the rescue. All I needed was a little push, the faintest of encouragements. And boy did I deliver.

At first, it was appropriate, regular convos and time-wasting between friends. Then I started flirting, me, an engaged man. I kept coming at her, and she kept allowing it. There were never any real bad intentions in my mind, I did not seek her romantically as much as I enjoyed the attention. It all comes down to my past, I think. My BW was my only every girlfriend, my only ever crush, my only receptor of the smart and witty flirtatious attempts. I am a total nerd and a complete social introvert. For me to have a girl on the receiving end of a messaging app was an unimaginable deal.

The sad part is, I probably did not consider myself doing anything wrong at that time; just flirting innocently I must have thought.

For me, G was always portrayed as this sweet, kind, innocent girl, who does good deeds, and is a great friend of mine. I did not see how I was pathetically trying to flirt, while she mostly responded with laughter. Reading some of our past convos again, I could see now how she sometimes asked for it, implicitly, by saying she did not feel pretty and such. And I, like a fool, swallowed the bait and kept coming.

I got married in 2015 to the love of my life. But around a year before that, and a year after it, I was living what could be described as a double life. I did not see it back then, and I did not recall it clearly when BW asked for my phone on D-day.

The unfortunate relationship with G started dwindling gradually towards the end of 2016 and the beginning of 2017. After that, we only talked on occasions and special holidays, though only appropriately. She did mention that she missed me in one of these recent convos, but I was no more in the same deranged mentality that I found myself in a few years back, so nothing wrong ensued. Whatever reasons led me to behave immorally were simply not there anymore. It could the fact that my first child was born, or G’s marriage. Or both. Or me maturing ever so slightly.

How could I have possibly forgotten all those messages and all that flirting? I was oblivious. What did I gain from it, if I don’t even recall living it? Was it all in my subconscious?

I flirted with that girl for two years. In those two years and the many years after, I collected “relics” belonging to her, souvenirs, memories of a friend. There was a Christmas cup she got me on that first adventure we lived together. There was a note she left on my desk, which I am still keeping after so many years. There was a jar of jam rotting in my fridge, a compliment of her wedding reception. And then there were the pictures. Those damned pictures that started the whole thing. Why did I keep them, scattered like that on my phone? I wish I knew. It was an automatic thing, even after so many years; maybe I’d think she looked nice, and I download the picture, never to care for it again. For me, it was a relic I am keeping. Was it for the memory, or was it because I subconsciously missed our past relationship? I wish I knew. It was foolish, I was begging for trouble, asking to be caught.

One time I thought about it, I thought about what I’d tell BW if she found the pictures. I thought I can simply tell her those are pictures of my friend, the ex-coworker who left and whom I miss. It made sense to me back then. However, during D-day, when it happened, whatever I convinced myself in the past did not make sense at all then, I was petrified by the mere thought of telling BW anything about that girl.

BW is struggling a lot. I was her hero, and now I am reduced to trash. I feel I am intruding on her in this house. She needs time to heal, time to think and process things, but it is very hard to do so when you have two kids, a job, and a complete stranger living in your home.

She did not give up on me yet. She said we can still be friends. She said maybe we can repair this relationship, but it will take years.

I am secretly hoping we could wake up one day believing all of this was just another 2020 nightmare, and carry on with our lives like before, happily married with a beautiful family. Sadly, life is just not that simple.

She is on this website too, she posted her side of the story, and some of the messages there were very supportive and insightful. I could see the change in her, I was happy yesterday she was beginning to have a sense of normality. But today not so much anymore. The time she spent alone yesterday away from me was refreshing. Any progress I think I made so far vanished when I saw her suffering again. This will be a long struggle, but hopefully, I can convince her that she was never second to anyone.

She asked for a detailed timeline, which I am preparing. She asked for me to read the recommended book, Not-Just-Friends, which I began doing. She also needs me to see an IC. I am prepared to do that, but first I need to come to terms with and own my misdeeds.

I did BW wrong; terribly wrong. She was my everything. For me, she has always been a mountain above everyone else, in a league of her own. A talented, bright, beautiful woman. There was nothing she would not do for me. She loved me like crazy, unconditionally, and I loved her too. We were the perfect couple, a match made in heaven. I destroyed it.

I am not doing very well. I have no appetite. My stomach is upside down. My heart is struck in half. I cannot think about anything, only reliving the past few days in my mind. I keep reading the convos and posts over and over and over again, trying to make sense of it all.

I want to fix this so badly. I hope I can. I was immature, naïve, and a borderline creep. I don’t see myself like that now.

I keep discussing with BW how I perceive G now. Is she really that almighty nice and innocent person? Was she at fault for not putting an end to my recurrent mischiefs? I cannot blame her, I think. I still believe, to a certain degree, that she might have been equally oblivious of it all, not paying it that much attention. But yet again, she did encourage it at times, could it have been done so innocently? I do not know. I need time to reflect on this and reread all my convos with G. It is somehow hard for me to accept that this person, whom I held in high esteem in my heart and my mind for so many years, is just another pretentious, attention seeker, home-wrecker wh*re! BW is helping me a lot with this. I am astonished she can still find the strength to withstand my blindness. But unless I truly get to the bottom of this, other Gs might keep coming back into my life to fool me again into thinking they are sweet and innocent; I do believe BW is on point with this.

It is time for me to truly mature. A man in his mid-thirties; a mere clown, a fool. I am disgusted with myself. For some time now I kept beating myself up for keeping the convos, for not deleting them, for saving those pictures. But I had forgotten about the convos and the unspeakable atrocities they contained after so many years. But this is not the point now, is it?! This is not about hiding evidence or keeping a secret, no. I should be beating myself up for dragging us into this mess in the first place; for betraying my loving wife’s trust and ruining our family forever.

Is there any hope for me? Will she ever forgive me?

I know I cannot forgive myself now. I was her rock, her only support, and I smashed myself into rotten dirt. She has to resort to online forums for moral support, for assistance, what have I done??? It was my shoulder she has always leaned on, but now these shoulders are carrying the head of an imbecile. I am contemplating death by all imaginable ways, it will stop the pain, my pain, but I cannot be so selfish, I have my children to carry through this whole mess, and a BW whose pain I have to heal. I can’t really stop thinking, what if I died now? Is that how she’s going to remember me for the rest of her life? What will she tell the kids about me? That I was a morally corrupted cheating husband? I do not want to accept that.

BW believes that I loved that girl; that I am probably still attracted to her. I honestly do not feel that way now. I am sure I did not love her at any point. Perhaps I was attracted to her sweetness and kindness, her natural beauty; I must have liked our conversations and the way they made me feel, all so powerful and Casanova-ish. Ah, you silly boy!

One thing I am sure of is that I love BW to the core. Questioning this will never be on the table!

How can I cope with this? I understand my case is easier than that of many of you, this was not a PA, it is even debatable if that was an EA or not so much. But it was something, and it was bad. I desperately want my wife back; I’ll shut down all doors and windows leading to G. I want this to work.

Was I really having an affair in the past 6 years? Or was it only those dreadful two years of flirting? Or it wasn’t an affair?! Whatever we call it, it will not deny the fact that my BW is suffering gravely, and dressing this whole thing up in joyful colors and attractive nomenclatures will not make it any better for her.

One of the members, Ariopolis, raised an interesting point, and BW agreed that this was what she’s been waiting for me to admit for the past 5 days. He said that “it may be more understandable to think of the little front desk girl as my Dulcinea; that this was obviously my secret interior life; that this love was pure, innocent and cannot be sullied. The question is if I can and want to replace the goddess with my human flesh and blood wife”.

While I am very convinced that the level of admiration and affection I had towards G was not up to a Godly level, I am beginning to realize that this interpretation rings more true than believing I was chasing her romantically, in order to date her, or be with her, or taking it physical. She was available at the time, I did not know she had a boyfriend, I did not know for a long while, even when I was helping her with a “friend’s” CV and his job hunting, I did not know. It was never my intention to be with her, I was happy to be with my fiancée, never did I ever contemplate having to pick between the two. If you want to talk about Goddesses, BW is there, that is her stature.

G was beautiful; she knew how to show it, how to take care of it. This definitely made it easier for me to be sucked into her typhoon. A fine girl, straight hair, sweet smile, well-shaped, albeit not very bright. This lack of wits meant she was often coming to me, asking for help, for guidance, for assistance, for the simplest of things; not because she was trying to get close to me, I think, but because she was simply not that intelligent. Soon our relationship kept growing as a result.

I could never be involved romantically with someone way beneath me; I am not trying to think all so highly of me, or all so lowly of her, for I am clearly a moron given all of the above.

What I must have felt for G at that time feels surreal. Did I love her? Can you possibly love two persons at the same time?? No, I will never accept this. You do not understand, I was crazy about my wife, and still am; we were insanely happy. The mere thought of me considering, even for a sec, that I loved someone else is gut-wrenching. Perhaps I did have some bizarre and strong feelings for her, at least our past convos suggest it.

BW wants me to admit it. To say how much I loved G. She thinks the truth will be difficult for her but will make recovery easier and possible. I do not know how to process all of this. It may be true that at times I am trying to sugar-coat the facts so as not to hurt BW. The only truth I am sure of is that I lost the love of my life; I have no strength left in me to think about anything else now. I want my wife back; I don’t care about G, putting the last 3 pictures of her aside, I already stopped caring 4 years ago…

Will reconciliation be possible?

Sorry for the long post and seemingly contradictory thoughts; this was written over the past few days and I kept it as is along the way.

41 comments posted: Friday, December 11th, 2020