Trying to move on
First, thank you very much for reading my story, and I feel very relieved that I have found this community.
I am posting in this forum because, as many here, I am feeling very stuck and I cannot move on.
Long story short: I am a married woman in my 30s, I’ve been 10 years with my husband, we don’t have any children at the moment. In February 2019, I met a man during a conference. He is married, 10 years my senior, in his 40s, has 4 kids. At the conference, we talked, after meeting he initiated contact via (professional) social media, asked me for my phone to discuss work and… we ended up having coffee which led to much more, very quickly. Although it might seem hypocritical and naïve: I did not plan to get involved in this affair. The presence of this man was a very powerful magnet, and I just felt completely inebriated by him and the whole situation.
Right from the start, I knew he was going to move very very far away at the end of 2019. His wife got a position abroad and they wanted a new start with the family. Both, this man and I, love our families and have never discussed leaving them. I love my husband, who is a wonderful man, supportive, and intelligent. He really doesn’t deserve this. From what I know, this man also loves his family and we have never complained about our ‘main’ lives.
The truth is: although everything started very unexpectedly and I was very reluctant, feeling guilty because of hiding this secret from my husband, my friends, my family… I ended up falling (completely) for this man. Did he fall for me the same way? I am not sure anymore. Although he always said how much he loved me, how we wanted to have my babies (!), what a pity it was that he didn’t meet me 10 years ago, I am starting to realize that he always steered everything towards sex. And he seemed surprisingly comfortable with being unfaithful to his wife, the way he initiated contact with me, etc, are probably red flags. At the same time, it felt so real, so intense, and romantic that I cannot believe I was his ‘hobby’ to escape from a stressful life. My feelings for him were (are?) very real. What was the meaning of all this if I am just another one on his list?
Our affair lasted from February 2019 until November 2019, when he relocated with his family. His departure, although long announced, broke my heart. It was very hard for me to be a fully functional person while feeling this enormous knot in my stomach. We still keep in touch via instant messaging: we had a lot of contact at the beginning but we barely text each other at the moment. He is always very afraid his family will check his phone and we only text when it is convenient for him. And when we speak, he only seems to be interested in ‘sexting’.
My problem is, despite all this, I cannot stop thinking of him. I think of this man every day, I daydream of our moments together, and I miss him immensely. I miss meeting him, when we used to talk, when we spent moments together. Although I know that it is for the best, it makes me sad that he moved away, and I am struggling to find the meaning of this experience. As a result of my own behaviour and mistakes, I am starting to feel more distant from my husband who, as I said, doesn’t deserve this. He is a wonderful life partner (probably, much better than this other man). However, I have spent so much time fantasizing about my affair partner that I don’t feel passion for him anymore. I barely feel passion for anything. It is as if all my passion is stuck in a box dedicated to my affair. As a result, I cannot make important life decisions at the moment, like becoming parents or moving to another city as we were planning to do.
How could I get out of this dark place? I know my decisions were poor, my behaviour shameful and I deserve all this pain I am experiencing now. Since this is a secret, I don’t have anybody to talk about this, so just writing it down helps me to feel better and put things in perspective. I appreciate your help and that you are reading my long story.
14 comments posted: Thursday, January 28th, 2021
