Does it get any easier? After 3 years I'm still stuck with no direction and no sign of it getting any better.

I’m completely at a loss.

It’s coming up to about 40 months since my wife’s 8 weeks affair. Even though it’s been just over 3 years, I still struggle every day.

Granted not as much as the early days, but enough for me to find every day just as difficult. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of it numerous times per day.

I have been through counselling. I have done CBT and even tried hypnotism. But it feels like I’m still stuck. It feels like my whole life has changed, while everyone else gets on with theirs. My wife and I use to argue, bicker and even talk about her affair daily. However, that’s not as much anymore, but it can still come up each week from time to time. It feels like my wife has moved on. She is getting on with her life while I'm stuck.

We both still work in the same small town that here AP lives. She could bup into him at any time and I drive past his house and the place she slept with him every single day. Its like we cant leave it behind us. Due to problems with our son we currently have no option to move jobs for the next couple of years at least.

It feels like every day from the moment I wake something will remind me of the affair. It can be a song, an advert, a tv programme or even a word I hear in every day life. It just takes me back and gets me thinking. It feels there is no way to get away from the torment and the pain. I hear the word kissing or the word feelings or love and it hits me. Its like I'm traumatised.

I know people will say that I need to leave and that it’s been a long time, may be now is the time to make up my mind! But as I’m sure you will all know and understand, it’s just not that easy. I don’t want to leave my wife. I don’t want to leave my family. I didn’t ask for any of this, but I have been lumbered with the mess we now find ourselves in.

My wife has stuck to her word. She ended the affair. She has stayed away from the AP. She tells me where she is and if she will be late which to be fair never happens. I would say if I was looking in from the outside, she is standing by her side of the deal. But it just doesn’t feel enough. It feels so un safe. It feels like it’s a risk. I know its a risk. But its like I want more. I need more.

She has asked how are we mean to get past this, if I don’t let it be? If i dont try and move on. She has a point! But it feels like I’m not at that stage yet where I can try and move forward.

For the first 2 years we were having sex. But something in my head changed. For the past year or so I am no longer able to have sex with my wife. I can’t help thinking I’m not enough. She wanted more. She wanted him. I keep thinking I will never be him, I will never be able to give her what she wants. She has already told me that they had a laugh, they had fun and he made her feel good. I have also been told that I can be horrible at times and that we don't have fun or a laugh. Its like these things have stuck in my head and I cant get over the fact that he was everything and I'm nothing.

It feels like no matter how hard I try I feel stuck.

Did anyone else feel like this at this point of reconciliation?

Does it get better?

It feels to me like as long as I’m not talking about the affair, my wife is happy enough to ignore everything else.

If I’m not ignoring the issues or if I’m bring up my thoughts and feelings she can get defensive. She will listen, but that’s all she does is listen. She will use the usual words like "I didn’t want him" , "I don’t want him" , "he was a mistake" , "it’s the worst mistake of my life". It makes me think that even after all this time she is still lying about them things, how can I believe or trust her going forward.

I know I have low self-esteem. I know that none of this is my fault. But it doesn’t make any of it any easier. I’m now at a point where I can’t get out my head that I’m not good enough. She says that’s not true. She says that I’m everything to her and she loves me so much. But to me these feel like they are just words.

How do I move past this rut that I seem to have found myself in?

Am I now in a state where no matter what she says I wont believe her or it may not be enough.

36 comments posted: Saturday, August 31st, 2024

Dday Was 3 Years Today. My 3 Year Update

So here we are, 3 years later…..

3 years ago today this was my Dday. My life and my families lives, were blown apart in return for my wife having a 7 week affair with a family friend. Every year, I come back here on D-day and write to compare and see if we have move forward. But this year it’s different. This year I don’t need to look back at what I wrote a year or two ago. I already know that we have already started to fall back in to our old ways.

The first year was hell. But there were some good times along with a lot of bad. There were times when I felt stupid and worthless and maybe even spinless for staying and trying. But my therapist made me see that strong people also stay. That it takes a lot to stay and not walk away. I struggled in the first year. But amongst all the mess at DDay, we were still together. Then come year 2. While the hurt and the anxiety was still there, it was different. We were still going through a lot and at times we could have gone our separate ways. There we a few times we come really close. But we are still here. Still together, still a family, but things have changed.

For the first 2 and a half years we were fighting for our family and our marriage. We were there for each other. But it didn’t always feel that way. But it felt like she was fighting, because she wanted to and not because she had to. She proved to me that this was the case even though I didn’t truly believe it.

It was the little things that I had got use to and I really liked that were the first to change. A couple of years is a long time to continuously do something, if your heart wasn’t really in it. Well that’s what I told by self anyway. But the little things were starting to fade away. The hugs, the texts with I love you out of nowhere in the middle of the day. She still does them, but feels like when she remembers and nowhere near as much as she has done over the past couple of years.

For the last six months its gone from feeling that we were getting somewhere to now feeling so distant. I feel like I don’t know her anymore. Since the first Dday it feels like she has been there for me on the milestones. But not this year. This year she says the words, but the words don’t match the actions. Not in my eyes anyway.

She texts a "friend" from her place of work a lot. He is male. But she keeps telling me that he is gay. I know he is 100% gay. But, that’s doesn’t mean there is nothing emotional going on from her side anyway. She would text him throughout the day and night at the weekend. Even when we was away on our family holiday, Christmas day and so on. She has said that she has stopped texting him now because I am not comfortable with it. She still sees him at work and I don’t even know she hasn’t been deleting the messages from what’s app. But it was around the time that she got his number that she changed.

I don’t know if the whole situation has just left me paranoid. I’m may be paranoid, but I’m not stupid. Something doesn’t feel right.

She knows what today is. She knows its dday. I told her last night. She said she doesn’t remember the date. But she does remember the date they had their first kiss and the date she slept with him. She knows how this makes me feel and she hasn’t once text me to see how I am or how I’m feeling today.

Before she would tell me how we can do this and we will make it. She now says to me that I’m the one destroying our family and not allowing us to move on. I have been called crazy. I have been called selfish and told that this is all about me. How I feel and I never think how all this has affected her. It’s like she has changed from a remorseful wife to some on that is now bitter and here because she has to be. She has told me to leave if that’s what I want to do. But the fact is I don’t want to leave. I love her and always have.

When things calm down she states that she gets mad too and whatever bad things she says, she doesn’t mean them. We have been through a lot and we are still here together and that must count for something.

But to me everything feels fake. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I feel stupid. I feel unwanted. I feel like she is living her life, while I’m left carrying the emotional baggage of her affair. It feels like maybe I always will.

3 Years later and I would have hoped we are in a better place and while we are in a way. Things have changed and we are at a new, new. We are still battling on.

We do have good times, but we are still having bad times too. I can see my wife is unhappy with me and with our situation, but that’s something I hope we get to work on and try and fix over the next three years, should we make it.

I have one question? How were you after 3 years?

Thanks for reading and to everyone going through this nightmare, I hope you find peace.

19 comments posted: Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024

Where should I really be three years later ?

Well its been a while since I last posted anything on here.

I continue to browse. I just haven’t felt the need to post. Things have calmed down over the past year or so and my wife and I were really making a go of things. Things were good. However, I feel like I have been struggling more and more just in the past couple of months.

At the end of May I will be coming up to 3 years since my WW broke my heart and destroyed our family as we once knew it. We decided to stay together and work on our marriage and rebuild of family. It’s been hard and still is as many of you are all too familiar. But things have started to feel different.

For the first couple of years things were up and down. But it felt like she was really trying even though I made it hard for her with the daily questions and paranoia but she made me see daily that she was sorry and we can do this. But still I have been hurt, I feel broken and very uncertain about the future…

Over the past couple of years my wife has been there for me. She would make me see that we can do this and she does love me. She did little things that she no longer does. It’s the little things that go a long way and really matter. Now over time the actions have slowed and the words feel fake.

It now feels like the act is slipping. People can’t keep up and act for ever. They get tired. That’s unless they really mean what they are saying. We have moved on from the constant talk of the affair that we were up against in the early days to now talking about wanting to feel loved, wanted and valued. I want to feel she is attracted to me and wants me just as much as I want her. She says she does, but it feels like words. It feels fake.

All I want is to feel safe and I don’t.

She says she loves me, she wants this and she is going now where. But she has also said that she is unhappy and that she is miserable at times. She says words like, she isn’t unhappy with us but is un happy with the situation. She hates it! She asks me why I’m like this? Why I can’t just be happy and get on with our lives.

I’m trying so hard but I still get triggered. I’m still taken back to them dark days and I miss the person I once knew and loved with all my heart. All my wife wants is for me to never mention this again. She will talk, she will listen. But it doesn’t take much for her to get on the defensive.

It feels like our marriage is falling back into a rut. A rut that probably is what caused my wife to cheat in the first place. I have tried to tell her how I feel. I have said we need to spend time together, date, have fun. She agrees. Then we do nothing to fix it.

Whenever I try and talk to her, whether that’s about the affair or how unwanted I feel she will just fireback with words like why are you saying that? Or that I need to stop saying that!

Did anyone else go through this?

In my head I know she had the affair. We decided to fix our relationship. I have proven my love by staying after her doing the worst thing possible to me. I prove my love every day. Not because I have to. Not because of the kids or because it’s difficult to separate our lives. But because I love her with all my heart and I want her just as much now as I always have.

So if she is sorry, if she does love me and wants to fix this, shouldn’t she be willing to do whatever it takes no matter how long it takes or how hard this is. She shouldn’t be using works like she is sick of this and sick of me saying that. She shouldn’t be threatening to leave me or telling me how I feel or what I should or shouldn't be saying.

I understand if thats how she really feels, then she has every right to leave. But she doesn't have a right to say these when we argue and then the opposite when things calm down and we are fine. She either means them or she doesn't.

I’m looking for some advice. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want her to leave. But I would like to hear if you also felt this around three years into reconciliation.

16 comments posted: Tuesday, February 13th, 2024

Did you feel conflicted and insecure at 2 years post D-Day

Hello

As I’m sure many of you are aware of my situation and I’m back for some advice.

It’s been nearly 27 months post D-Day and things are OK. A big emphasis on "OK"

Things feel strange.. I really can’t explain it… Some days are good, some days are bad. Sometimes things can be ok for a few weeks and then it sort of goes flat again. This is from my side. She seems to try to deal with the ups and downs as goos as she can.

I am aware of the Plain of Lethal Flatness, but I have been there before and it feels different to that

The reason for me posting was to see if anyone else felt or feels like I do right now? Does it pass? I know everyone is different but I feel sort of stuck right now. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want here to leave me. But I feel like I'm stuck. No matter which way I turn I feel stuck. I still find it extremely difficult trying to move past what happened. But it feels like I’m in a depressive state at the moment.

After just over two years I feel deflated and possibly bored. I really don’t want to use the word bored. But I keep thinking maybe that’s what it is, I’m bored…..

I love my wife. But in some ways I can’t get past what happened. I try so hard. She continues to try. She has said we will get there and we will get through this. But I wake up some days and I feel flat. My security has gone. But by the time the evening comes I’m tired. It feels like the night is better than the day. I feel paranoia too… Mostly in the day when I’m away from her.

My question is… Is this normal. Did you feel this way and if so, for how long? When does it go away. It’s the depression and the paranoia that is hard. I just want to feel secure.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, August 9th, 2023

Have I self-destructed and wrecked my own marriage.

I’m struggling.

You guys have helped me so many times over the past couple of years and I’m extremely grateful.

I’m about to enter a period of "this time two years ago". I remember feeling the same when it happened last year, when I entered the "this time last year" period. But this year it feels different. Shouldn’t this be getting easier by now? If I’m honest, things have got better. But the sting is still there. The thoughts and feelings are still present. But I manage them better.

But things have changed. Am I mad? Has it really changed or am I looking at things differently? Am I asking for too much? Am I wanting too much to fast? I have I self-destructed and wrecked any sort of chance of fixing my marriage.

I keep thinking, I didn’t cause this. I didn’t ask for this and I didn’t want to be here. Just like many of you I hate where I have ended up.

I still don’t believe that I have the full story from my wife. I still believe that the truth is the version that I believe. Not what she wants me to believe. But I won’t bore you, as you have heard me drone on about this to many times in the past.

But what I would like to ask is, did your WH or WW change 2 years into the process? Where you still arguing? Did you want more than they were able to give? Or was it a case of no matter how hard they tried, it may still not be enough. It may never be enough.

My wife really tries to help me through this. She will check in on me daily. She will say she loves me multiple times per day. She is always where she says she is and she is loving and caring. BUT…. When we argue and the affair is brought up, which it still is, at times. May be once every 3 weeks or so things turn nasty.

In the middle of a bad argument, she at times threatens me and says that she will leave as I clearly can’t get over this or maybe I should leave. She has said that I need to get over it. It happened a long time ago and that I’m acting like a child. She says I’m selfish and only think about myself.

But then when the argument has blown over and we are talking civil, she will say she is sorry and she didn’t mean it. She said that she gets angry too. But she doesn’t mean what she says.

Did you have these issues? I suppose in my head, because she cheated, maybe I think that I can say whatever I want and she has to take it. She should take it because she cheated. Bare in mind I’m not being nasty in the way of name calling, but more in the way of stating facts. I shouldn’t keep bring these things up every time things get hard, but as I said at the start, I’m struggling. Still even now.

Did you wayward continue to do everything they could to make you heal or was there times when they would retaliate and not be the perfect wayward that you wish and believed they should now be. Because I suppose at the end of the day just because she cheated doesn’t mean she won’t get angry

May be the problem is now me. May be I'm not letting us heal.

I just don't know whats real anymore. Is she genuine? May be she is. But may be im the one thats in the end will be the one that destroys what we had.

26 comments posted: Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future

I’m coming up to 22 months post DDay next month. Next month will be hard as this is when my wife’s affair started.

She is putting in the work and we are still working at fixing our marriage. But I feel that maybe I should be in a better place by now.

Her affair is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I hate the way it makes me feel.

There are times when I see here laughing with my daughter, just getting on with life. Why does she get to sing and dance and have fun while I’m left in the dark black hole. It feels like so much of my life has changed since the affair 2 years ago. It feels like my life is falling apart. I’m losing my mum as she is in the last stages of dementia. My daughter is about to leave home and move away to university and my marriage is badly broken. My life use to be so simple and feel like I had everything. Now I feel like I’m losing what was my life. It’s not what it used to be.

My wife shows me love every day. She apologises. But sometimes it feels like it’s not enough. Her AP now has a new partner, but how do I know she doesn’t still hold something for him. She isn’t thinking about him and what they use to had.

I know that I will never know that she wont do it again. But that doesn't stop me hoping that as some point I will get some feeling that I know she has learnt by her mistake and wont hurt me again.

I just don't know how to get through the next few months. I remember these feelings last year at the 1 year mark, but I just see year two as being different.

The feelings have to start to fade and get slightly better at some point don't they?

It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future

6 comments posted: Friday, February 17th, 2023

Is there a difference between the words and meaning "I love you" & "Love you"?

We may be splitting hairs here, but my WW and I are splitting hairs over what what was said and what it means.

She says the affair partner text her and said "Love you" and she says, she text back and said "you too". She said it was only said once and has been taken out of context and wasn't meant like that.

Does love you and I love you mean the same thing? Could that be taken out of context?

I don't know if I believe it was only said once but then i think the affair only went on for two months.

30 comments posted: Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Where were you at 18 months post DDay?

Im approaching 18 months post DDay on the 22nd November.

Who would have thought, we would have made it 18 months. At the time, it felt like our world together was ending and it did in a way. But fast forward 18 months and we are still together.

Are we good? Lets say we are OK (at times)

Have I had the truth? Lets say I believe not. But is that because her truth doesn't match what I believe happened in my head. So no matter whats said, I see as a lie.

Am I happy? Lets say things are different.

How did you feel at 18 months post Dday? What were your feelings? Were you still having second thoughts? Was you WW doing all the right things or did you feel they could still do more.

To me it feels like something is missing. It feels like no matter what I do it will never give here the feeling that she had in the affair. I just feel that we are not enough anymore and something big is missing.

I know everyone is different. But it would be good to compare my feelings to others at the same stage in the process.

I cant help feeling that I should be feeling different to how I'm feeling right now.

26 comments posted: Thursday, November 17th, 2022

16 months past DDay and now its Flatlined

Hello Once again.

I seem to be struggling over the past few weeks and things don't seem to be getting any better. In fact they seem to be going a bit flat.

I have been trying to move past my wifes 8 week affair for the past 16 months. When things are good, they are ok. When things are bad they are bad.

As I'm sure, so many of you are aware. Its so, so hard, and I see why a lot of people just can't do it.

Things are good in the bedroom. My wifes always checks in to see how I am throughout the day. She always says she loves me, she always comes and gives me a cuddle and she can tell when I'm down. But its just not enough.

She sees me as being very critical over everything she does. She sees that even though i know she is doing everything is criticise what she is doing because it just doesn't cut for me.

I will say things such as her texts saying she loves me seems like a routine and just words. I will say sex is just routine to try and keep me happy. I will say she doesn't want me the way she wanted her AP. This could and probably is all just in my head and possibly is just me being jealous. But its causing problems.

I asked her to read one of the articles from the healing Library and how a Betrayed spouse feels and what they need to do. She said she gets it and feels my pain.

However, I still don't feel I'm getting the truth. Some of the things she says just seems impossible to be true. She keeps saying the affair was a mistake and she hates it and what she has done. But she cant explain how she was able to go out and meet her AP every night. I know this is something she needs to work on with a IC. But while I'm not getting the answers I'm not allowing us to move on.

At what stage do I just give up trying to get my version of the truth? Because my IC said that I have a version of events in my head. Now because her story doesn't match with what happened I'm saying its lies and i don't believe her.

How do I know whats the truth and what is my head playing games with me. After all I have been hurt, I'm suffering a trauma. Whats real and whats not?

While I'm trying to get things clear in my head I think I'm pushing her away.

When we argue in a big way, she will say tings such as she is done and she means it. She cant do this anymore. She will say she is going to go and tell her parents what she has done as we cant live like this.

Most of the time we are fine and we get through the days. But times she will say the above.

Then when we are fine she says that she gets angry too. Its frustrating as I'm not accepting her version of the truth. But I have a feeling in my gut that its just a story to protect me and our relationship.

After last nights arguing and saying she has had enough we did eventually make up. But this morning she texted me and said that she loves me so so much. I text back and said I love her to but this is making me ill. She said she can see that and she thinks I shouldn't be with her any more because I don't believe the things she says and I look at her differently.

Im confused. Because I read some much on her that the wayward spouse will do what ever they cant to fix things. My wife does do that. But at times its like she is threatening to leave me with out saying the words. Its like she wants to leave but doesn't have the guts. But when things are good, i can see she loves me. I really can.

Im confused, I'm tired and I'm heart broken. I don't know how much more I can take.

She says one minute we will get through this together and we will be ok and the next she is telling me she cant do this and thinks i shouldn't be with her because of what she has done and that she has been cruel.

I understand that if she is telling the truth it must be frustrating.

I understand that there will be the POLF. I am going through that at the moment. Im also feeling that im not good enough or what my wifes wants.

But is this normal behaviour from a WS thats wanting to fix the damage they caused?

Please note that my wife is doing everything she can and i really do mean everything but for me at the moment its just not enough

48 comments posted: Saturday, September 10th, 2022