Update

I just wanted to give an update on my recovery. Last Thursday I came clean about the final thing I was holding back in regards to details about my affair. I told my BH that when the AP came back to the location of our affair and I was back there working as well, the feelings for him came flooding back. The AP never attempted anything but I cannot say that if he did, how I would have responded. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough to turn it down. This was one of my BH worse fears is that I still had feelings for him. This was a span of approximately 10 years from the start of the affair until I left the workplace. When I left, my feelings for him left too. I just wish I wasn’t so stubborn when he came back and left my job when my BH asked me to because it put me in a bad spot. I have been gone from that job for approximately 5 years and I don’t look back and wonder what could have been nor have I even felt like that for anyone else. I have been dedicated to my marriage but was just not the best wife and mother. I was so hateful and down all the time that nobody wanted to be around me. I have really opened my eyes since the relapse that my BH has had. I have made positive changes but still have a lot of work to do. I need to fix me so that I can fix our marriage. I start IC in about 3 weeks. I love my husband with all my heart and hate what I have put him through. I hate seeing the hurt and pain in his eyes. I want him to be happy again. I want to be the best wife I can be for him. I am finally ready to put my big girl panties on and do the work. He deserves so much more than what I have given him. I don’t deserve him, but hope that he will stay and our love can grow from this and we can come out stronger.
Another thing that made me think differently is that he was basically approached by someone that wanted him sexually and he turned it down, but still felt flattered when it happened. It was very hurtful to me and I wanted details as to what happened and how she approached him, etc. He didn’t do anything and so I can only imagine what he was and still is feeling about my betrayal. I was so upset over the situation and not directly at him because he was not wrong in how he handled it. When I had just a sip of what he went through I was devastated. We are really working hard. We have great days and then we have bad days. Our bad days aren’t as bad as they used to be because we have learned to talk a little more calmly when something comes up.
I am not one to give advice but if you are a wayward not matter how hard you think it is or how much you think it will hurt your spouse, you just be transparent. I wish I had handled our recovery differently from the start. In my head I was more worried about hurting him more but in all honesty I was protecting myself and my image. I hate all of this and it sucks seeing yourself in a negative light but the sooner the better it is in healing. It hurt my husband to hear new truths as I trickled them out but it also relieved him because his gut would tell him there was more. I am no where near recovered or earning my husband’s trust and forgiveness back but I finally think we are heading in the right direction

13 comments posted: Wednesday, December 22nd, 2021

Addressing AP

I finally decided last night was a time for transparency on my part. I have trickle truthed for long enough and I needed to come clean about details in order to help with our healing. I finally admitted that I had fallen in love with my AP and even after the AP ended the affair I chase after him a year later by going to see him at his place of employment. I still had some feelings for him when he was transferred back to the same store as I and the place of the affair. Because of my untruths in the past, my BH wants to make sure this is all of it. He told me tonight we are going to the AP house to get his side of everything so this can be done. Problem is the AP will not talk to him. He tried contacting him by phone and AP blocked him. He went to AP house where AP and his girlfriend threatened to call the cops if he did not leave. I know he will not speak with my husband because he is chicken shit. I tried telling my husband that I don’t want him to get into any trouble as we have a 6 year old and it is 9 days until Christmas. He told me that either I go with him tonight or he is packing up and leaving. I really don’t feel like going to AP house is a good idea but I also have to prove I am ready to put my marriage as priority. Any advice

18 comments posted: Friday, December 17th, 2021

Please Help

I have posted before so a lot of you already know my story. My BH and I started marriage counseling last week and I think it is really going to help, but we don’t go back until 12/20 so I could use some advice before then. I feel like after my BH and I have a good 3-4 days together he purposely finds something to get angry about and pushes me away. I feel like he does this because he is afraid to let me back in and get hurt again. This really bothers me and feel that my emotions stay all over the place.
Another issue is the feelings I had towards my AP. I explained to him that I liked the attention and he made me feel like he chose me. The AP was a former co-worker. We both transferred out and while I was in management training I had to do an audit at a store near his. I immediately knew that I wanted to do to his store and see him after my audit. He was a store manager and all store managers had the same corporate schedule so I knew he would be there that day. This was almost a year after the affair ended. I wanted to see him again to see what would happen and maybe rekindle the feelings I had before. The problem that I am having is that my BH wants to know what kind of feelings I had for him and why after a year I wanted to go and try to see him again. I really don’t know what was going through my head and why I wanted to see him again. Our affair ended with him starting to sleep with another co-worker. What in my mind possessed me to go and see him again. I can’t really explain it and that infuriates my BH. I really want to help my BH through this recovery but I don’t really have a good answer as to why this happened and what my feelings were towards my AP except seeking attention. Any advice? I have been a terrible wife through most of our recovery but I really do want to do what it takes to help our marriage heal. It is like I had a mind block and feels like someone else doing all of these terrible things in the past. I have trickle truthed through the recovery process and tried to protect my image. I didn’t want to hurt my BH more than I had already and I didn’t want him to view me in a negative light anymore than he already had. I was more worried about me and not him and his feelings. I really do want to make a change but I also want to feel safe doing so. My husband seems to get frustrated at me when my answers don’t make sense to him or they are not as deep as he thinks they should be. The frustration then turns to anger. I get so nervous sometimes talking to him and I can’t think straight. I am not in any means painting him in a negative light. If anything he should be praised for sticking by my side no matter how much I have hurt him in the past. I vow to never hurt him like that again but I have to completely be transparent about details. There are no more affairs. Our MC told us to discuss questions in counseling but is it really fair for him to hold onto things bothering him 2 weeks at a time. I don’t have anymore affairs to hide or anything like that. I just think he wants to understand my affair more. I have to understand myself first and I really am struggling with the whys and how I let myself do that stuff

23 comments posted: Thursday, December 16th, 2021

Badwife79

I am really struggling with the thoughts of will I ever make my BH happy again. Can he ever be happy with me? I had an affair with a co worker 16 years ago, my husband had a relapse of emotions about 7 months ago and it was like I had cheated on him all over again. We were so busy with our kids and life that we didn’t focus on each other the way we should have during our recovery. We are really working hard now but the problem is how I handled things from the beginning. I held back details because of shame but most importantly because of his feelings. I realized that he needed to hear the truth so that he could heal. I have come clean with my affair, but because of my lies and deceit in the past he keeps thinking there is more. I don’t know how to get past this. Another big thing is he keeps telling me that I will never love him or feel about him like I did my AP. That is so not true but because of my past actions he doesn’t believe me. I was a terrible person in my past and have made changes but I worry they will never be good enough for him. He loves me so much and I know that but he doesn’t feel like my love is real. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I am losing him and it shatters me. I messed up and don’t deserve him but I want to change for the better and make him happy again. Any advice?

71 comments posted: Thursday, December 9th, 2021