Ancient History or Fresh Hell?
I am new here. I just found out 2 months ago on July 2nd, 2022 that my wife of 11 years (we have been together 21 years) had 2 different physical affairs. The first was 8 years ago, the other was 6 years ago. More recently it has been (according to her) online messaging and flirting only.
I am not blameless by any means, I have been addicted to pornography since I was a teenager, and hid it our for our entire realtionship. I confessed about 4 years ago voluntarily upon giving my life to Jesus, and I got into a recovery group, also voluntarily. Going to my recovery group made her extremely uncomfortable, which makes sense now; to the point I quit the group for her. I have also physically abused her in the past, and downplayed and minimized its affect on her until very recently.
What happened:
We had been arguing much more than usual in the last 6 months, and after one particularly nasty comment that she made, I finally gave up. She has been threatening to divorce me for years and I keep fighting harder and harder to maintain our relationship. Well I started crying, really crying those heaving, chest-convulsing type sobs. She walked back in the room about 2 minutes later and asked if I would cosign a loan for a new SUV for her after the divorce. I was floored. I started to look into NPD.
It took so much shit and so many years to wake me up that it makes me feel pathetic. After reading about NPD, I knew in my gut she had been unfaithful.
The first A was a coworker she said made her feel wanted because I was ignoring her while I was in school, and it was only a couple times then she left the job and him. This was 8 years ago. We had been married for 2.5 years at that point.
Second A was a doctor that was in his late sixties, she was 38 at the time. She said it was mostly just oral with him, except one time they fucked. She proudly told me that she got over $4,000 worth of face injections and face peels from him, along with rides on his motorcycle! Then she almost got caught and he wanted to take her on vacations and get serious, so she broke it off. I was in such shock I kinda don't remember the next few days. I wasn't able to eat for days and I couldn't get out of bed but I couldn't sleep, either. This was insane. She whored herself out to this old doctor for face treatments??
After that she stopped taking care of herself and stopped working and has been chronically depressed for years. I literally shaved her legs and armpits for her and applied a toe fungus cream that she just would not do. I have dedicated my life to making up for what I thought was my massive betrayal, after my own confession, and susequesnt rigorous honesty. And all the while she was never going to confess this to me. She has never even cared about the porn either, and only uses it to manipulate me. For a while she even wanted to watch together.
So with all the revelations recently we both made IC appointments and got really honest and both of us probably have Personality Disorders. It seems I have Dependant Personality Disorder. She "most likely" has Borderline Personality Disorder (she just told me recently she was actually diagnosed with BPD over 10 years ago, just never mentioned it to me or her current IC.....).
I am honestly so shocked by this. I was in denial, and my disorder made me blind to reality. I have been working on changing my broken thinking of uselessness and disengaging myself as much as possible, but I want her attention and I want her to CARE! I know that is impossible now though. And as I distance myself a bit more each day, I see more clearly that she is extremely broken and it makes me sad that she can't admit it to get the help she needs. She blames me for all of her choices and only sees herself as a victim.
No expectations, just sharing my story. Thanks for listening.
7 comments posted: Sunday, September 4th, 2022
