4 years divorced, but I can't trust new partners anyway
Hello SI,
I am a long-time lurker, first-time poster here. Since I have been divorced for 4 years now, I thought I'd post my question here, but please let me know in case it should go somewhere else.
Short background info: I am 37 now. I was in a happy relationship with who I thought was my best friend from 22 to 32 (5 years dating, 5 married). Then I basically watched him fall in love for a mutual friend for the last three months of our relationship. I asked him to take a step back because I was uncomfortable with the intensity of the friendship they shared, ony to be told I am controlling and she is just a friend and he should be able to have friends yadda yadda. Three months after a lot of back and forth he one day left me (for her, although he never explicitly mentioned this). I was still blindsided as he had been telling me that all the problems were in my head, and I was trying to rein jealousy in. I told him there was nothing left to talk about, and I wanted a divorce. He agreed.
I am not completely over it, I wouldn't be here otherwise. But I can't seem to regain my sense of trust. I have been dating another person until recently. We dated for 2.5 years, but in the last six months he met another woman who honestly seems like tailor-made for him. All the same interests, a great, deep, immediate connection. While I felt uneasy about it as soon as I met her, I waited to see how he would behave. But they are going down the full best-friend route, talking a lot, doing plenty of things together and setting up joint projects, as their hobbies overlap a lot with what they want out of their careers. My career is completely unrelated and, while I share some of their interests as a hobby, I could never devote as much time to them as they do. So last week I left him, and I told him the truth. He has now a new best friend, he's better friends with her than he is with me, and while I am sure it's not sexual, I just can't stand there and watch this go further. I caught him completely by surprise and he was devastated. I wasn't happy myself, but I caught myself wanting to police him and so I decided I was not going ask that he take a step back as I did with my ex. But I was also not going to watch. While he doesn't think he's best friends with her, he did agree breaking up was the best way forward. If my ex-husband had been an asshole... but he wasn't until the very end. So now even if I have a good relationship, if I see this best-friend sort of thing going on, I will bow out rather than bring it up.
While I haven't exactly regretted my decision, I can't stop thinking she IS a friend, and while I wasn't comfortable, he did not actually change any of his behaviour towards me (although he will not attend certain events, related to their career development if she doesn't go, for example). I can't stop hearing my ex's voice in my head "You are too controlling. You are an abuser. I am allowed to have friends".
But for me, I want to think about my life partner as my best friend, and I want them to feel the same way about me. I am not opposed to having friends of the opposite sex per se, but there just seems to be some kind of invisible, blurry, subjective line where it becomes too intense. So when I saw myself telling my partner in my head "So why are you talking to her when you told me two hours ago you wanted to go to sleep" (he sent a screenshot of their convo) I began to seriously consider breaking up. And then when two days later he mentioned he wanted to ask her to set up a business with him, it was over. I knew I would suffer watching how they do all the things they love so much together.
But today I told a friend and he said "So you are, in fact, controlling". And I guess that's what's brought me here. The past few days I have been alternating between feeling guilty, feeling that my ex husband was right after all, and that I am doing the right thing.
I am looking for insight. What am I missing here? What are my blind spots? Am I overdoing boundaries? I understand that trust is trust and that I have lost it, but any pointers on how to regain it? Any recs (books, articles, films) that have helped you? Any thoughts on how to approach this?
Thanks a lot in advance if you have read this far. I hope it's not too all over the place.
8 comments posted: Thursday, November 16th, 2023
