Wife of 14 years / mother of 2 banged boss within 6 months of returning to work. Lies and blames lost connection... [Rant]

Advanced apology for the long post - it's therapeutic for me to write though.

Been together 14y, married 7. Have two beautiful, young kids. She's always suffered somewhat with depression which got worse after kids. I did everything I could to help her (took kids on weekend trips alone, gave her space, we put kids into childcare super early, etc). I was never the husband who worked late and let her deal with kids alone. I did strictly 9-5 and helped before and after work / did most on the weekend to such an extent that my parents / brother thought I was being used. She was always appreciative.

We had several milestones which we thought would help e.g. when kids reach a certain age, go to school, buy our dream house and finally when she goes back to work. We reached all milestones.

She got a great job which I fully supported (by taking on more time with kids so she can focus on building her reputation / career and get into it etc) and giving her advice. This was 6 months ago. She worked as a contractor who in turn contracted her out to a big company. She told me early on that her boss at the big company had a reputation for 'liking pretty girls' in his team, was divorced, bit of a di*k, etc. He seemed good to her, however, and tried to hire her away from the contractor company at nearly twice the pay so that she would work in his team directly. She got a great (almost excessively so) compensation package and promises of quick career progress. He did make some dodgy comments to her via Teams messages during the hiring process which my wife showed me and we agreed that she should screenshot them for HR but couldn't say much right then as he was the one hiring her (so could change his mind / give lower package and so on).

Fast forward 3 months, she formally joined the big company but she remains depressed / stressed despite the great job. Says she’s just so busy.

Shortly after I get Covid and we get into a fight as that meant she had to take care of kids (as they’re not vaccinated). I complain of her selfishness and she just suddenly says we ‘lost our connection’. I am shocked. Suddenly it's not depression (which she has a therapist for), it's our marriage on the line.

I recover and a few weeks later she flew abroad to her family for a birthday of her aunt which I knew about / saw pictures of so not fake. I think great, she can recharge her batteries, will be fine and I took care of kids 4 days alone. We write intimate messages and things seem ok. When she comes back she tells me that same night nonchalantly that she 'needs to leave' to go into an AirBnB for a few weeks to find herself as she doesn't understand why she's still so discontent with the perfect life she has. She says 'lost our connection' again.

I try to help the situation, do more with kids, give more space, I try to do sweet things (buy an old Nokia phone – "connecting people", get it?), offer MC and take her on dates but she just worked throughout. Apparently at work her boss also stopped talking to her which she said is because his daughter had died (I have no reason to believe that's a lie as apparently he was off for a long time in the weeks before this).

2 weeks pass and I need to go abroad for a long weekend as my grandfather is dying and wanted to see me. Her mom comes to our house to stay with her and help with kids. We message throughout including sexting and romantic messages and I feel fine / things are looking up. Within half an hour of returning home, she told me she needs to go on a walk with me where she says again she HAS to leave for a few weeks to find herself. Soon. No point to do MC. "It's over for now". She’s so confused. She doesn't know why. Lost connection etc. I’m hurt and confused myself.

The next day I send an email on logistics as we have kids so not so easy for her to just move out. I also ask her to reconfirm (which I asked verbally many times) that there is no one else as I don't understand why things are moving so fast. That night we talk about the e-mail and logistics and a few other points. I push to get an answer about someone else. She says she doesn't want to talk about it again as she already answered. I keep pushing. She admits there was someone she had feelings for but nothing ever happened. I push again. She says they went on a few dates but no kissing. I push again. Yes to kissing but no sex. Final push, yes they had sex but only once and they broke it off as his gf found out. Won’t say who.

We separate the next day and she goes to a hotel to finally ‘find herself’. We use our anniversary hotel points to pay for the stay at a crappy local Marriott. I send her a list of questions (who, how long, when, etc). She leaves me a long voicemail about how sorry she is, how she’s struggling with depression, how I don’t deserve this. Her therapist told her she’s not sure if she had the affair for self-destructive reasons or whether it "was something reasonable she had to do for logical reasons". WTF does that mean. She finished the VM saying she’s sorry that she’s so messed up inside that she had to destroy it all. I respond to e-mail again saying thanks for VM but I need a response to my questions which she hasn’t answered. She writes back the next day it was her boss, it happened two months ago and again it’s over.

My brother comes to support me. Two days later I ask her straight – do you want a divorce? 14 years of marriage and 1h later she responds with yes. 30 min later with ‘I’m really sorry’ which brings us to now.

I’m fucking devastated, hurt, angry and a million other things. Feel used. Feel sorry for the kids who will suffer (even if though we are trying to minimise impact). She had first hand experience as a child whose parents were divorced how bad this was. Yet still did it anyway in an extremely short period of time. She never said she was unhappy with us, only that the affair taught her there must be something missing in our relationship (thanks!).

Anyway, rant over. Starting divorce now. Any thoughts welcome!

42 comments posted: Monday, April 17th, 2023