Has anyone lost their spouse and their affair partner together?

Hi all, I feel very fortunate to have found this forum dedicated to the WS.

My dday was a month ago. I’ve had limerence to a co worker, but thought nothing would ever happen. However when we were overseas it ended up in a one night affair, as he reciprocated the attraction. I had actually said no at the start, saying we are both married, but my resolve weakened over the hour as he advanced and I ended up making the worst choice in my life. A few hours later in shock and guilt at what I have done, I called and confessed to my spouse, and took the next flight home.

He didn’t forgive me. He said he already warned me going overseas alone with a colleague and he had a premonition but trusted me. He said he had given me many chances. At some point before this happened I had even accused him at being over sensitive. We were both married, what could happen? Famous last words.

My affair partner is married, and since we were both married, he had taken it as a one night affair and though he feels very guilty, has heavy heart and wants to do whatever he can to support me (according to him), the one thing he can’t do is to leave his wife to be with me.

To be honest, that’s probably not what I want. I don’t want to be his second choice, and if one day time were to rewind time and I had to pick between him and my husband, I would have picked my husband.

I have googled probably hundreds of articles at this point - getting your ex back, letting go, moving on after your divorce, forgiving yourself - etc. but I realised there aren’t really discussions about cases where you lose both your spouse and your affair partner. Most people on the forum are are in the reconciliation process, or there are those who left to pair up with their affair partner. I feel extremely alone and isolated. At home my spouse is no longer here, and at work I’ve told my affair partner not to reach out to me personally, despite us being each other’s emotional support everyday previously.

At the end of the day it was my own choice to cheat, and my own choice to tell my husband. I know I can blame no one.

Everyday I struggle with:
- I know I still am attracted to my affair partner, when I see him, I genuinely want to care for him, when I see that he has lost weight and remains sick as a result of his guilt, I feel very sorry and want to reach out to him. I genuinely care for him and really like him, though I’m not foolish enough to call it love. It doesn’t help we have to work together closely and for my career I have chosen to stay in my current firm. He will likely go overseas at some point next year so at some point we will part, to which I have to heal from the new norm again.

- How should I approach my husband. He has returned me his wedding band, packed his things, asked to sell our assets and have sent me papers. He said he has never been so determined to leave me and have a clean cut. I have thought about it and read other people’s posts in the forums. I don’t want my husband to become a bitter angry man full of hurt and pain for the rest of his life. Maybe I owe him his clean cut - I should sign whatever he needs me to sign, and not contact him again.

I just wanted to hear from the forum if anyone has dealt with losing two important people at the same time, how to deal with it, and any words of wisdom for me.

Thank you.

2 comments posted: Thursday, September 21st, 2023