Reconciled before learning about affair children, what now?

Hi all. First, my apologies for not using many abbreviations, I'm new here and still learning the lingo. It took me a while just to get up the nerve to post at all. I'm looking for guidance, opinions, advice...hopefully some perspectives from others who may have been in similar situations (which are likely few and far between). This whole situation has been a huge nightmare and I struggle to stay positive. I can easily write ten pages worth of story but I'll do my best to keep it as brief as I can. I'll start with a TLDR version of events and then give more detail below.

TL;DR:
I moved my family to a new state, my wife had an affair, we reconciled, we later had twins, I tested the twins and they aren't mine, I filed for divorce but am still struggling with what to do.

Supporting details: I (40M) have been with my wife (33F) for 12 years; 5 years dating and then 7 years married. We currently have four kids: 14F from my wife's previous relationship (father is not involved and never has been, occasionally pays CS), 6F, and the twins who are ~4 months, M&F. Our relationship has always been a little rocky. I am the primary income-earner for the family making a comfortable salary. My wife is partly disabled and has occasionally held part-time home-sales jobs but is mainly a stay-at-home mom. We live in an expensive house that we can barely afford, along with my wife's elderly grandmother (the house was a compromise on my part which was supposed to help ensure my wife's happiness after the move). We broke up a few times before getting married, and I have long been concerned about her emotional reactions and her inability to contain her anger in front of the children.

Slightly longer summary with a bit more detail:
The situation started when I got a new job and a few months later moved my family to a neighboring state to be closer to work (after many discussions and with what I thought was acceptance from my wife). My wife took it poorly and her behavior got very erratic. Many months later I was notified by a guy who saw me with her that he was her AP of over 8 months. I floundered for a while in a pit of self-despair, consulted divorce attorneys, then confronted my wife (on advice from lawyers to avoid the nastiness and financial burden of divorce). She admitted the affair and blamed her behavior on my (supposedly) forcing her to move and ruining her happiness.
We somehow reconciled after some intense fighting and crazy behavior on her part (screaming in front of the kids, hiding my laptop, stealing my phone, attempting to leave with the kids). I think the reconciliation may in part have been due to weakness from me just not wanting to break up the family or deal with what she might do if I went through with it. Anyway, my wife re-dedicated herself to the family and made noticeable behavioral improvements. A few months later we discovered she was pregnant with twins. Conception timing was borderline but my wife was very confident that they were mine based on when she said she cut things off with her AP.
As the babies grew, I became convinced they didn't look like me (more specifically that the boy strongly resembled the AP). I expressed my concerns with her many times about parentage and how I didn't know if I could handle the situation if the children were not mine, but she asked me to stop bringing it up because it made her depressed. Eventually I DNA tested the twins at two separate companies and unfortunately confirmed my fears - zero percent chance of parentage for either of them.
I consulted lawyers once again and I then told my wife about the results and that I was considering divorce (again). She was of course upset but didn't know what to do. I continued to bring it up often but didn't make much progress with discussions. I ended up filing for divorce on my own with contested paternity. Maybe this was wrong? I don't know. I notified my wife who acted surprised, hurt, and then very angry. I asked her to agree and sign acknowledgement, however she refused and insisted we stay together because we had already reconciled -- in her eyes I had already forgiven her for the affair and she didn't understand why we should divorce. After some additional incredible displays of anger (and what I would say is inappropriate behavior), she then doubled-down on efforts to act like the perfect wife and asked me to rescind the filing. I haven't done so yet.

My wife has indicated that she has no plans to inform her AP of the children, that he'd be an awful father, and that she doesn't ever want him in their lives. She claims that she has been devastated since finding out the babies weren't mine and doesn't know how she could take care of them or love them without me to support her. I'm worried about how she would treat the babies if I leave given that she's admitted that she blames them for potentially ruining her family. In her anger, she has told the babies that she hates them and routinely yells and swears in front of them (though not always at them). Most of the time she takes good care of them, but those other moments worry me. Naturally having two babies to care for at once is a lot of work, can be frustrating, and creates a lot of stress and sleepless nights, but if anyone should hate them I thought it should be me and not her; it's worrying to know that she states she feels similarly. I don't HATE them; they're innocent babies and it's not their fault. They just need love, but I don't feel entirely bonded with them given the circumstances, and of course it's very difficult not to let that affect my interactions with them. Every time I look at the boys face I see the face of the AP, which is quite hard to deal with. That said, I've been helping to raise these babies for four months and would not want to see their lives destroyed because of the divorce. Every week that goes by is another week where I'm essentially forced to become closer to them, but long-term I worry that I will always treat them differently.

I am struggling with this situation. The babies deserve a chance to have a happy life, however my wife has very little means to support herself and would likely struggle to provide once the alimony payments end. Her grandmother would also be forced to move since we wouldn't be able to afford our house after divorce. In addition, I'm worried about the effects on the older kids; the 14 year old has a history of depression and self-harm and the six year old has severe anxiety. Proceeding with the divorce may push the teenager over the edge, on top of potentially making the twins have a terrible life. I can't simply stop all contact with the kids or my wife; co-parenting would require interaction between all of us in order to maintain my relationship with the other children, particularly the 6 year old.

Some may wonder what kind of advice I might be looking for: to some it seems cut and dry that we should divorce no matter what, while to others they may think I forgave my wife and therefore I should raise these children as my own. It's just not that simple. Please understand that I still care for the well-being of my family, my wife included, despite how she thinks I'm just being selfish and want to be a bachelor again while she gets stuck taking care of children. I told her I'd love to be primary caregiver for our 6 year old daughter, but she's stated she wouldn't allow it and likely the courts wouldn't either given that I work full-time and she does not.
I'm not sure I can continue being married to her. My trust in her is almost non-existent and I spend every day agonizing over what to do. Every day is a struggle for me and I am constantly emotionally exhausted. Some of her behavior when I brought up divorce (both times) has made me even more reluctant to want to spend the next 18 years with her just to give the babies a better life, and in that way perhaps I am in fact being selfish.
On the other hand, she seems incapable of handling a divorce in a level-headed way and has made it clear that if I proceed that she will make my life a living hell and will fight me as hard as she can every step of the way, which will in turn likely cause even more pain and suffering for the family. As long as I don't bring up the divorce, she continues to act like a better person and do everything she can to demonstrate that she's dedicated to us having a happy life together. Obviously she has a huge vested interest in keeping my income and security, but it does also seem like she's regretful of her past behavior and wants to fix thing.

Staying together would certainly be considerably easier, but is that the right decision for me? Are my concerns legitimate? Do I just ignore them? I am at a complicated crossroads with some very difficult decisions to make. Thanks for reading.

9 comments posted: Friday, November 17th, 2023