Decision Time

My husband and I have been together for 10yrs (2nd marriages). Almost 3 yrs ago, I caught him kissing another woman and exposed a two month long affair. He immediately cut it off. We went to counseling for several years. He’s doing most everything expected and asked (which is not his usual way). However, I cannot move forward and our counselor recently told me I am still in the discovery/crisis mode.

My digging shows they were exchanging I love you’s two weeks in. He is adamant it wasn’t physical (I do not believe this but has no definitive proof aside from common sense). He will say there was no emotional connection; that he only said I love you because she said it (whatever). He is also adamant he had never thought of cheating on me. Never once looked outside our marriage.

Cheating, lying is a dealbreaker for me. Always has been and he knows it. I am very black and white with little room for gray. There is right and there is wrong. I don’t do drama and will walk away. It has been very difficult the past few years as I struggle with this part of me too. I am a confident woman. I am successful on my own and do not need him financially. We do not have children together so that is not a consideration. In my mind, the decision making should be much easier since I do not have those additional concerns.

What holds me here? Three months prior to the affair, one of his adult children passed away unexpectedly. I have no children of my own and cannot fully understand his grief. This woman approached him and away he went. The counselor said it was a perfect storm. He hates attributing the affair to any emotional grief he was going through or considering it part of his "why" however, the counselor believes a mitigating factor.

I have really struggled these past three years and feel as if the only way to heal is to leave him. But, as soon as I get to that point, I question whether his grief and the approach/opportunity really was the perfect storm. Am being a cold-hearted, selfish bitch by not giving grace? I love him and feel deeply for his loss but I cannot get over the fact he turned to someone else during a very painful time. He said I love you to another woman. I also do not believe there was no sexual contact when he completely stopped having sex with me. We have always been 3-4 times per week our entire relationship; even after the death of his child – until he met her.

No real question. Maybe I am just looking for viewpoints one way or the other given the delicate circumstance.

9 comments posted: Monday, January 29th, 2024