BW 65
WH 67
M 1981
PA 1982
DD 2023

Why did it take his confession for him to change?

Quick review. He cheated in our first year of M. (7th yr together) Confessed 42 yrs later. We have been together for 49 years.

Pre confession- Hard worker, financially responsible, serious, perfectionist, overly critical of himself and others, angry at times, impatient, discontent, emotionally distant at times, generous, trusting (ha!), worrier, mildly affectionate......

Post- Hard worker, financially responsible, lighthearted, perfectionist, less critical (catches himself), rarely angry, much more patient, content, emotionally tuned in, generous, still trusting, humble, less worried, passionate......

I am just floored at his transformation. Going on year 3 since confession and there has not been a blip in his behavior. It's like Jekyll/Hyde but in a good way!

His A was a gal he met in a bar while working away from home. He swears it was one night of sex and he "instantly knew" he f'd up. So, I've asked him if he had truly loved me like he claims he did, why didn't his behavior change from that point on? Why didn't he become the ideal H after that? Why did it take him 42 yrs and a confession before he could love and respect me like he should? The best he can come up with is that he was immature, selfish and he was disgusted with himself. Oh, and scared. I'm sure that was the case in his 20's and 30's, but what about his 40's, 50's and 60's?

Our circumstance is unique on this site, but I'm interested if there are others who have experienced something like this. It's almost like he had to confess and be held accountable before he would/could change. I'm holding a tad bit of resentment against him (which I'm working on). I feel like he robbed of us years of joy. I'm trying to focus on the present because it's really good now.

Not sure if I am making any sense, but this has puzzled me for 3 yrs now. Thanks

7 comments posted: Wednesday, March 4th, 2026

Fomo Chicken or the egg?

My H's decision making skills are getting worse and worse. He is purchasing a new truck, which in my mind should be fun (other than dealing with the sales people. No offense if there are car sales people on SI :)). He has been wrestling with this purchase for over a year. Diesel/gas, Black/gray, blah blah blah....... He has ordered and cancelled twice. I'm not kidding, we have been to Ford dealers over 30x's. This is not something new. Years ago I had to walk in and buy his new motorcycle because I refused to go back to the dealer for the umpteenth time. Last week it was a new shirt. 4 visits to the store. He's afraid to make the wrong decision. He's afraid that something better might come along. He's afraid of committment. I used to joke that I wasn't worried about him spending money because I knew he couldn't/wouldn't pull the trigger.

Which brings me to this. When he does this it triggers me. He says he cheated partially because he had second thoughts about being married. He cheated just after our first anniversary. Seventh year together. I struggle with thoughts that I was just another decision he made then regretted. I've pointed out this behavior of his and how its not normal. He's conscious of it now and apologizes, but it doesn't stop.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else's partner struggles with this. How do you deal with it? How do I not take it personally? What causes a person to be so wishy washy? It's confusing because when it comes to business he's very decisive and confident. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but I wonder if there's something in his makeup that contributed to his A.

I think too much!

8 comments posted: Wednesday, March 5th, 2025

WS Living with a secret

To all the WS's here who kept their betrayal a secret for years and years, how did it feel? How did you live from day to day for 20 30 40+ yrs knowing that your marriage was built on betrayal/deception/lie/shame/guilt. That the person you vowed to love and be faithful too didn't have a clue. Trusted you. Did you become the perfect partner or were you filled with such self-loathing that you held back and were never 100% vested? How did it affect you? There isn't much written on how secret keeping destroys the secret keeper. Appreciate your thoughts.

2 comments posted: Thursday, March 7th, 2024