My story - Can I trust, believe, and overcome the fear?

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have two children, ages 7 and 10. She grew up Catholic but didn't actually come to know Christ until after we were married and she started attending church with me, so at this point we are both Christians. Most mornings, before all this happened, she would spend time with God in various ways, serves and volunteers with the church, member of women's bible study, attends as many worship events as she can manage, and as a homeschool mom, leads the children in their faith as part of their daily study.

Anyway, she is natively from Vietnam and left her home about 14 years ago to get her masters degree here in the US. I met her while she was in her final year of college. As is typical for Vietnam, her parents forced her come to the US so she could get her masters, then her PhD, and a good job so she could bring them here. Unfortunately, she didn't know that is why they were encouraging her to study abroad, and she thought she would be returning after getting her master degree. Anyway, she left her boyfriend behind in Vietnam intending to return to him when she finished her masters, but as I said, that never happened. There was a point while she was at college that she was at her emotional lowest (lonely being in the US practically alone, missing family and friends, and didn't want to be here) that she called crying and begging her parents to allow her to return but they refused. She resigned herself that she was stuck here and let that relationship with her boyfriend go, and started dating here in the US.

This was maybe a year or so before we met. Anyway, we did meet, dated, got married, etc. She still had him as a friend on Facebook but I asked her to remove him because I was uncomfortable with that whole relationship and how it ended. She was reluctant to unfriend him, but did finally do it at the point we were expecting our first child. Fast forward to last summer, and she finally had a chance to go back home to Vietnam for a 3 week trip while I stayed here to look after our children. She told me, while she was planning her trip, that one of the cities she wanted to visit where many of her friends lived, was the same city where the ex-boyfriend lived. She told me that she would not go to that city if I didn't want her to go, but she would really like to visit again since it was one of her favorite places and many friends lived there. She also warned me that the ex-boyfriend was there and they had many of the same friends, so she might end up bumping into him while she was there.

I told her that I trusted her and that it would be fine for her to go. Well a few days after coming to this city, she did end up meeting with that group of friends and spending quite a bit of time around the ex-boyfriend. After I talked with her about this, I told her I was uncomfortable with it and asked her not to be around him any longer. She said she was never alone with him, that they were always part of a large group of friends, and that she just wanted a chance to apologize to him for how things happened in the past and ask his forgiveness. I begged her not to be around him anymore, but she refused. She said I was being unreasonable as this group of friends included him and it would be rude to walk away just because of his being there.

Ultimately, I asked her to at least promise that she would not be alone with him, to which she promised. She said, yes absolutely I can promise that won't happen. Also, she was staying in a villa with a friend of hers from high school, that basically went everywhere my wife did, so I felt at least some assurance that she wasn't alone around him. She was in that city for two more days. After her last night in that city, I had some suspicions that something happened with the ex-boyfriend. I won't get into the details of those suspicions, but when I asked her about it, she promised me that nothing happened. She said that she and he both had families that they both cherished, they were just old friends, and that she would not be stupid enough to do anything like that to jeopardize her family. However, I was pretty adamant that I thought she had done something inappropriate with him, which caused her to block me entirely and not speak to me at all for the remaining 6 days of her time in Vietnam.

After she returned home, things were fairly back to normal except there were some instances where she would just lash out in anger at me or the kids seemingly out of nowhere. Finally, after about two months she had a complete mental breakdown and told me that on the final night that she was in the city, they were out late and her friend decided to return to the villa early but she stayed behind with the group for several more hours and the ex-boyfriend offered to drive her back to the villa where she was staying. This was the first time they had been alone and so she took this opportunity to talk about what happened between them, that she was forced to leave, hoped he could forgive her for the way it happened, etc. She said that he started saying things to her like, he never blamed her for anything, that he had always still cared about her, that as he struggled to start his business and move on in life, he always thought of her as an inspiration to him. She said that she was filled with a flood of emotions being around him again that she thought was long gone, that she just couldn't control her feelings and she tried so hard to stay away from him, but couldn't. She also said that she felt she was strong enough to withstand it going any further than talking.

Once they had arrived at the villa (it was around 1:00 am at this point) the guy reached over to hug her before she got out of the car, but then started kissing her. She said, at that point she just stopped fighting her feelings and let everything happen that he wanted to happen. She said that they ended up having sex in his car. She said it wasn't anything planned or pre-meditated and that she just couldn't control it. She said that she didn't entirely blame him, because in that moment, she wanted it to happen also. I believe the story for the most part, as her friend confirmed that they were always amongst a large group of mutual friends. What is worse, the ex-boyfriend is also married with a little boy of his own.

My wife said she intended to keep this a secret the rest of her life but that it had been killing her inside ever since and even though she had repented so many times to God it wasn't enough and ultimately, had to tell me. She claims that she never wanted or intended it to happen, and that she had ceased all communication with him as soon as they parted ways. She said that, after it was over, there was absolutely no feelings in her heart for him, but utter shame, guilt, and remorse instead.

I am so very broken now because of this. She was unfaithful to me and betrayed me, even after I asked her not to be around him. She lied when I asked about it. I am left with so many questions like...did she seek him out with the intention of having sex with him or even just the hope that it would happen? Did she know she had feelings for him and wanted to be around him from the beginning? How much actual truth do I have at this point? All of it? Half of it? But, she also confessed when I would have never known the truth otherwise. She said that she had intended to take this to her grave and never tell another living soul but it was killing her inside and that I deserved to know.

Well...here we are. She doesn't want a divorce and says that it was just a huge mistake and that she would never allow anything like this to happen again. But, amidst my pain, brokenness, and hard conversations, she has said things like, "for me this isn't that big of a deal", "I don't really consider this adultery", "I can see how you feel this is a betrayal, but I don't feel that I betrayed you." Since then, we have been working very hard at reconciliation and healing. In the beginning, we were able to have very raw conversations without anger or resentment but with understanding. Now though, I am 6 months past D-Day and 8 months since the affair, and I am still really struggling. Can I trust this will never happen again? Is it worth staying with someone who, when given the chance, threw me away and placed no value on me, our marriage, and our family? Is this just the first of a string of heartbreaks yet to come?

14 comments posted: Thursday, February 8th, 2024