Pretty sure it's happening. But I doubt myself and the situation.

Hi all.

Full disclosure I wrote a full account of everything here. But then realised there is a slim chance that people involved could piece this together and there's too much information involved that isn't public yet so I had to change it. So this is slimmed down version.

Sorry I haven't got all the terminology right yet. Please correct me. I'm a fast learner.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. In what I thought to be, a good marriage. 3 kids all under 10. Nothing like this has ever happened before (to my knowledge) and we were both really happy (she denies this, see later, but just a few months before I have a card from her for no reason but her just telling me how much she loves me etc etc).

I went through a time of being suspicious of my wife on Facebook. I worked on trusting - but in a moment of weakness I checked again and sure enough a work colleague who had been previously had been messaging and this time was making a massive deal about how good a certain work day was. I confronted my wife and she said she was sorry but very upset that I didn't trust her. She then proceeded to give me the best date night of my life. That night we were intimate and she tried some stuff we'd not done before.

Next thing I know, I'm going to counselling for my trust issues and I get back to see her fiddling with the dash cam. I looked at it weirdly as she had been out all day. And again she blew up for me not trusting her.

She then proceeded to announce that she no longer loves me and had struggled to do so for a long time. This didn't add up with my experience but she was adamant that this was the truth.

We spoke to some people we knew, who told us we had an unhealthy relationship where I was overly needy and controlling and she was a people pleaser. Don't get me wrong, it kindof rings true and I did have issues and there were things in our marriage that we should have talked about and didn't. But I had been convinced I was much worse than I was, I feel. Afterwards she disappeared for several hours before coming home stinking of new perfume, the car littered with loo roll and wet wipes. But having heard everything - I now had to trust her.

This sort of thing started happening more regularly and every now and again I would confront one of the out-of-ordinary things and she would blow up for not trusting her. I'm talking sexy selfies that she 'took for herself'. One time I walked in on her in the shower with her phone above her head and she said she was changing the music track. She started dressing more sexually, got new perfume, heavier on the makeup and started shaving downstairs which she'd not done before. She's even got higher heeled trainers that she only wears to the suspected meet-ups. I haven't accused her of meet ups. It's just in my mind.

In short, I have been forced into this 'you have to trust' situation while she is doing increasingly more suspicious things. Now she disappears for 30 minutes regularly, dressed sexy (or baggy jumpers over something).

I found a note about sending photos, which she assured me she never sent and she sent some harmless selfies and deleted it and the user straight away after. I never saw the proof other than the handwritten note. But again, I trusted her.

It's been 4 months of us working on us. We're in individual counselling, couples counselling but she just keeps getting distant and refuses to commit to working (or even giving it a shot - though she does say she hasn't left yet and is still going to counselling, so that's true). She keeps mentioning April as a marker point, as if that's when she's gonna give up.

Anyway things were getting worse last week. Meet ups increased. Fishy work meetings. And morning and evening routines with the phone in locked or cornered rooms. I've caught her with the phone a few times, and seen her take a photo once. But usually she's able to close it all before I get there. And she always makes a massive point that she would NEVER cheat on me. She always leaves her phone around when nothing is going on, as if to say, feel free to not trust me. But she's changed her phone password and I know from previous history searches she sends read-once messages anyway.

I bet I'm sounding paranoid now. The people we have spoken to, with the exception of my own counsellor agrees this is me being crazy.

Curiosity got the better of me and I checked her phone history (don't ask, it was tricky!) and sure enough, since September there have been a string of sites that set the scene. Starting with 'how do I delete Facebook messages' and 'can facebook messages ever be restored'. To 'how to stop liking over someone you can't be with'. How to get divorced. How do kids handle divorce. Etc etc. More recently it was web cam footage for certain places. And now eventually it's progressed to flat listings.

Every day now (we both work from home, although that's gonna change) she goes out for meetings that either get cancelled or moved at the last minute dressed and smelling amazing. The other day she came home with a but load of wet wipes and told me she had to use the toilet in the car.

The problem is I love her dearly still. And if I confront her with mediocre evidence again, she's just gonna turn it on me. I can't film or record anything because then I'm the bad guy again for not trusting. Short of catching them mid full-blown intimacy, she has an excuse for EVERYTHING. Trust me. There are stories here I'm too embarrassed to share. So even if I film her taking sexy selfies, it doesn't really achieve much. Worse still, if she finds the devices before they catch anything - I'm basically a dead man. When she goes out, I have the kids, so I can't follow her (and again, shouldn't really anyway). Equally if she learns I don't trust her, I'm the guilty one.

I don't really know what to do. She's not been herself since this started and it's just getting worse. I feel like I'm being manipulated and that's something she never ever would have done before.

Am I just getting paranoid here? Is there any hope here. Should I let this run its' course and wait for them to get caught? Help please.

EDIT: one other thing, I was the main breadwinner - until last year when we switch roles a bit. She is now the main earner for the house. She pays 75% of the mortgage and I am the caregiver to the kids and work part time with my small business. So 'kicking her out' isn't really an option, and neither is leaving. I refuse to leave my kids, I won't do that. And kicking her out is sort of what she wants I think? So I'm the bad guy for wanting her to stay. Once again.

28 comments posted: Saturday, February 24th, 2024

How to catch a cheater who primarily sends re-once nudes and meet-ups at closed meetings?

Title explains it really. mostly my wife texts her interest via Watsapp or Instagram with read once messages. She takes the pictures when I’m the other side of the house or when she’s locked in the toilet or bathroom. So I can’t get proof.

They do meet up regularly but I have the kids when she leaves the house so I am stuck. I have no budget but need to gather something concrete.

She is suspicious I know something and wants out of the marriage but I want to keep our family together. I love her very much and she said she loves me too just not in a romantic way. To that end we are in couples therapy for that.

She doesn’t think I know about the ongoing affair. I was hoping she would own up with everything going on. But I realise that was wishful thinking.

7 comments posted: Friday, February 23rd, 2024