Can he make you 20?

I have been with the same person for 51 years, 41 married. Found out he was having an emotional affair with a girl in her late 20s and he'd hid it, enjoyed it, and neglected any of my needs for six years -- until Discovery. I suspect he would have continued it for the rest of life if not caught. He has been desperately trying to keep us together, in the same house, for three years since Discovery. He tries so hard to be what I need that it is heartbreaking and holding me from getting away from the grief and trying to stand up again. During these three years that he has been working on keeping me around, I changed and became more aware of this man that I had been so comfortable with that I felt like we were one. More aware now I began to notice, when we were in public anywhere, that he seemingly scans people as we walk, or sit in a restaurant and, when he saw female, very young girls and blonds of any age, in particular, passing by that his scan would change to an intense stare. (I call it the "Hungry Like the Wolf" look)
Driving in the car, there is always spandex covered buttocks to be seen walking, even better -- jogging -- or biking, and the hard stare comes on and, when it passes, immediate look in the side mirror for as long as can be done. He never misses one. TV at night, if I am not in the room, I've heard him stop on what I call teenager shows. Before I knew this aspect of his personality, I would think: what is he watching that for, knowing with certainty that if I had flipped to that same show when we watch together, he would have protested based on the silly topics and poor acting. (He's in his 60's!) He didn't want a family with me, and I acquiesced thinking "he would be enough". :( More signs of....?
Just today, I told him I was consulting a plastic surgeon and that I was going to do a one-time fix because I work now via Zoom and cameras tell a truth that mirrors do not and I found it distracting and it made me feel bad so......
I said: It's probably not going to make a difference to you; it isn't going to make me look 30, but healthier and rested, even when I wasn't. He replied, after a minute or so: Can he make you look 20? I don't know, I'm having trouble now being intimate with him knowing where his preferences lie. It kind of makes me sick. Not improving life around here for sure, moving forward after today. Depression setting in. Grateful for a spot that allows me to just say it out loud to someone. I'm over and out.

10 comments posted: Friday, April 5th, 2024