New / Advice

This is going to sound like a ridiculous story, especially because I haven't been with my WP as long as many of you have been married. But the pain cuts deeply.

A brief background on me (33F): I've experienced intense trauma ever since my first memories, my childhood and adolescence. I was also forced to get married to a stranger who was very abusive for 10 years, from where I have kids. So almost 30 years of my life we're extremely difficult and it's no surprise I'm diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Anxiety. I had suicidal ideation as early as 12 due to my abusive household. It's strange, but I always thought I was either super unlovable like people told me, or that one day things would finally get better in my life and I'd finally feel loved by someone.

I have deep scars that sort of show themselves the more you get to know me. I secretly made some friends who gave me the emotional support, financial knowledge, etc that I needed to help me escape from my abusive marriage with my kids. One of those friends, I grew close to. We eventually got together, but he didn't want to label us as girlfriend and boyfriend for a while. 3 years later, he broke up with me saying he wanted to settle down and didn't see himself with me, or being a stepdad. We were each other's best friends and had some really good moments together, so we decided to continue our friendship platonically.

After about eight months, he said he wanted to go all in with me and no one holds a match to me in comparison, and he wants to grow old together. I had dated casually during the 8 month "break", but I was always hoping he would want to get back together. I loved him since the beginning of our relationship so when he said this, I was scared it was too good to be true. He asked me if he can start getting to know my kids. (Their dad isn't in their lives, so I was very protective about them meeting anyone unless it was end game.) We started doing hangouts with the kids and things were going perfectly. We spent the best Christmas together as a family (2022), where he took the kids out to stores to buy me my first Christmas gifts. It was magical and I was so happy. I never thought I would ever have a relationship where I felt so supported and loved (through his actions). He had trouble saying he loved me as he had never said it - even when he was all in. It hurts my feelings, but I understood he moves at the speed of a turtle with some things.

Five months later, we were moved in together and discussing getting married and having a baby. Ever since he was "all in", it was like a whole new relationship. He wanted to short list a set of names we could name our future baby. He stepped in as a father figure and my kids warmed up to him quickly, even my preteen who started saying he loves WP after a month of living together and proudly introduces WP as his stepdad to his teachers and friends.

DDay was in June 2023, he offered to drive 45minutes back home just to put his password into his computer because he didn't want to tell me what it was, which was bizarre. He's always been private about his stuff so I didn't think much of it. He had even logged into his account on my phone the month I moved in(March), but I never bothered to snoop or check it. That's how stupid I was / how much I trusted him. I found out he had alternative social medias, and was active on dating apps, sexting everyone under the sun. The last time the apps were accessed was April 1st. I spent the entire night crying. The next day, when he came home, I confronted him in a calm manner. He listened quietly and apologized saying he had no excuse and he's really sorry. We waited until the weekend to discuss it further. He didn't openly disclose anything when I requested everything to be laid out clearly on what he did. He admitted to the things I had found out, but never was forthcoming about anything (except the fact that he's been doing this since he was like 18 years old, including every relationship he's been in). I asked to see his phone, which was surprisingly clean, except for things he overlooked when he was cleaning out evidence. I found out after our perfect Christmas together in 2022, he was trying to pay for a woman's Uber to come to his house to fuck him. The payment went through, and I will never know if she ever came. He claims she just stole his money and never came, but the Ring doorbell doesn't go that far back so I can't confirm. He also was looking up every partially clothed Instagram influencer you can imagine. Even DMing some of them gross shit (think: the comments section from desperate, lonely men in porn videos). He was also on Reddit NSFW threads where women post nudes, commenting gross stuff. And if that wasn't bad enough, he was also messaging people we know and people who recently quit at his work, flirting with them, leaving the door open for them to come onto him, and omitting my existence. I realized that's why he never posted about us on any of his social medias because the girls he was trying to fuck, were on his friends list, and he wanted to appear single to everyone. He also was obsessively going to our mutual friends facebooks to masterbate to their pictures. He would also search for our pretty waitress who served us during dinner, to oggle (and probably masterbate) to her pictures. He also would heavily sext his childhood friend who lived an hour away. I thought he was lying when he said they never met up, but then two months later, I found out it's because she's married! I couldn't believe he continued with this woman, knowing they had a kid and were committed. I messaged her husband to let him know.

The logical side of me knows he has deep rooted issues. An actual problem that needs professional help that spanned for decades and relationships. But that logical side is usually never the one in control anymore.

I was broken in every way possible. It shattered me. My self worth has been unraveled. I got confirmation I wasn't worth loving, that I wasn't good enough, just like I wasn't good enough for anyone else in my life before him. I made him my number 1, but I was his second place while he wanted more. I know it hasn't been a year yet, but I hate the person I've become. I'm triggered by everything. I'm skeptical of everything he says. He was doing these things, while planning a wedding, asking me to go ring shopping, and picking baby names - how can I ever trust him again. Reconciliation has been me asking for things, and him obliging for the most part - no phones in bed, no porn, a restriction on messaging women unless they're approved first (legit platonic friends), etc. I asked for him to go to therapy and he hasn't. I have been distant recently, so he finally made an appointment this week (we'll see how that goes). But I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling insecure and bitter. I'm sad I wasn't worth an "I love you" until after DDay, so now it feels tainted, like he only said it to save our relationship.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be normal again, not paranoid. Not checking things randomly. Not constantly checking his location and browser history. I only told one friend last weekend, and she immediately said Do not get married and do not have a baby, no matter what. I'm so sad. I thought this was my chance at having a normal life and try to heal from my past trauma. I thought life was safe now. And it's not only that I love him, it's also that I love his family. It's an incredibly large family and every one of them is so supportive and loving towards me. And I really crave that type of family dynamic since I missed out on it as a child and teen. Even as an adult, I really crave those familial relationships.

Do you have any advice? I'm sorry I know it was long.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, February 28th, 2024