Am I being unreasonable?

Hello

I have been looking at this website ever since my wife had an affair nearly three years ago. I have never posted but now feel the need for some support from people that have been where I am right now. My wife had an affair lasting only a couple of months, but it has destroyed my family and my marraige. We decided to stay together and work through our problems. This has been so hard for us both and continues to be so. It really is the gift that keeps on giving. I thought things were OK until it felt like things were changing about six months ago. I mentioned this to my wife and she continued to reassure me that things were OK. But it felt off. It felt like things were changing. Fast forward to now and things really have changed. We bicker more. She is a lot less understanding in my view there is often an excuse in the bedroom and we just don't seem to do or go anywhere toegether. She says she hasn't changed but I fee she has. I have now found out that she is texting a male friend that is is nearly half her age from work. They text daily and her response to me is that he is gay. I have seen that she has text him as soon as she has got up and just before going to bed. One thing I can rely on is that I do know he is gay. I see her using her phone just like she did when she was having the affair. It's such a big trigger for me. I have tried to explain this and she has said she understands and she gets it, but he is her friend she keeps telling me over and over that he is gay. I understand I can't tell her who she can have as a friend. But how can I sit next to her on the sofa while she is waiting for a text from another man. Am I being un reasonable. How can I just sit here and wait for something to happen again. In my head I would have thought that she crossed bounderies in her last affair and this is just playing with fire. It's like I'm in pain and she is texting another man. It's doesn't matter if he is gay or not or if he is a friend. It's triggering for me. It takes me back to them times and I don't know what to do. I have tried taking to her about it. She gets it, but she isn't giving that friendsship up. I don't want her to either. But I do want her to see how this would make me feel. She just keeps saying he is gay and he is no threat. I explained that how can I sit here seeing her texting like is use to when she was having the affair. Her answer was she doesn't know and that's up to me to over come that. I have just tried talking to her in between writing this. I explained again, how the trigger of texting makes me feel and she got defensive and walked away. I asked her not to walk away and stay and talk to me about it, she said I am making her mad. I just want some support, some understanding. I don't want her to stop texting. But now she is making me feel guilty by saying she just wont use her phone again, she resents me even though I keep telling her to text him. He isn't the issue here. Why do I do now. We should be putting our relationship first. But unless I accept this situation I have no idea where we go from here.

I have been looking at this website ever since my wife had an affair nearly three years ago.

I have never posted but now feel the need for some support from people that have been where I am right now.

My wife had an affair lasting only a couple of months, but it has destroyed my family and my marraige.

We decided to stay together and work through our problems. This has been so hard for us both and continues to be so.
It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

I thought things were OK until it felt like things were changing about six months ago. I mentioned this to my wife and she continued to reassure me that things were OK. But it felt off. It felt like things were changing.

Fast forward to now and things really have changed. We bicker more. She is a lot less understanding in my view there is often an excuse in the bedroom and we just don't seem to do or go anywhere toegether. She says she hasn't changed but I fee she has.

I have now found out that she is texting a male friend that is is nearly half her age from work. They text daily and her response to me is that he is gay. I have seen that she has text him as soon as she has got up and just before going to bed. One thing I can rely on is that I do know he is gay. I see her using her phone just like she did when she was having the affair.

It's such a big trigger for me. I have tried to explain this and she has said she understands and she gets it, but he is her friend she keeps telling me over and over that he is gay. I understand I can't tell her who she can have as a friend. But how can I sit next to her on the sofa while she is waiting for a text from another man.

Am I being un reasonable. How can I just sit here and wait for something to happen again. In my head I would have thought that she crossed bounderies in her last affair and this is just playing with fire.

It's like I'm in pain and she is texting another man.

It's doesn't matter if he is gay or not or if he is a friend. It's triggering for me. It takes me back to them times and I don't know what to do.

I have tried taking to her about it. She gets it, but she isn't giving that friendsship up.

I don't want her to either.

But I do want her to see how this would make me feel. She just keeps saying he is gay and he is no threat.

I explained that how can I sit here seeing her texting like is use to when she was having the affair. Her answer was she doesn't know and that's up to me to over come that.

I have just tried talking to her in between writing this. I explained again, how the trigger of texting makes me feel and she got defensive and walked away. I asked her not to walk away and stay and talk to me about it, she said I am making her mad.

I just want some support, some understanding. I don't want her to stop texting. But now she is making me feel guilty by saying she just wont use her phone again, she resents me even though I keep telling her to text him.

He isn't the issue here. Why do I do now.
We should be putting our relationship first.

But unless I accept this situation, I have no idea where we go from here.

49 comments posted: Wednesday, March 6th, 2024