How to get over the resentment
Struggling with resentment for the fact he took years away from my life while pulling away from me during his affair. I was 26 when it started and would have probably recovered from a break up much easier than now at 31 when I want a family.
I’m also very resentful to myself for accepting such bare minimum for so long and assuming we were on the same space and effectively taking the relationship for granted. Giving him space unbeknowingly to have his affair when he said he was having trouble with mental health, so I didn’t think it was me or us. I knew we weren’t great but I didn’t know we were bad.
And now I’m still accepting the bare minimum but I’m aware of it more now because I’m not showing him affection, so he doesn’t show me any. I think previously because I was so loving I showed enough affection for the two of us that I didn’t realise he wasn’t - and when I did see I would often make comments and tell him.
Now I’ve become a mute and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like therapy is working for me.
Maybe the resentment will disappear if I just accept what’s happened, this is part of our history now and move on to our plans of family as we had spoke about for years and even last year while he’d already knocked up someone else (she miscarried).
I think that’s part of my problem, acceptance.
19 comments posted: Wednesday, November 13th, 2024
Surely this isn’t ‘normal’
Surely I should know 15 months post d-day if I want to stay and rebuild/repair or leave?!
Is there something wrong with me or maybe my love toward the relationship? Like why am I not clear on how to move forward with my own life?
Do you think it’s because I want to stay but too worried about society norm, or am I denying my reality and should actually leave?!
I’m getting angry with myself and frustrated that I’m literally wasting my own life by not being fully committed to a decision and keeping us in limbo.
We get on great but I keep him at arms distance so we don’t show each other any affection or intimacy but I know that if I start showing those things again then he will, as he did before.
I’m trying to do all the work, focusing on me, doing therapy but I don’t seem to be getting a clearer mind. I can’t keep wasting my life I need to just pick a side and move on. By doing nothing I know I’m picking the stay side, so then why am I not showing up and being affectionate and loving how I want to love someone (how I used to love him before he ripped off the rose tinted glasses)
Sorry just needed to vent I don’t want to be a victim in this. Where is my growth and my empowerment why aren’t I getting better!!!
17 comments posted: Sunday, November 3rd, 2024
Communication tips
Can’t remember the last time my mental health was in a good place and I’m obsessed with these subs and Reddit and all others at the mo. I feel like I’ve gone so far into the sand and disassociating my own reality lately but at the same time it’s mildly comforting.
I’m sure you probably recall where I’m at right now but I notice there’s some other accounts I’ve not seen previously so to sum up, I’m 31, been together for over 10 years, he had a 4 year affair with a COW which ended last year (was told because they thought she was pregnant but it didn’t result in anything), been in limbo land as too broken to make a decision but desperately wanting out of the fog and to get back into my life.
The place I’m at now with things is we’re great friends and living companions but not great partners. We can talk about everyone else’s situations and relationship dilemmas but we don’t address anything to do with us. It feels like we are both avoidant. We don’t tell each other we love each other, we don’t have any emotional or physical connection/intimacy that make up a healthy relationship but we don’t talk about it.
I physically can’t summon the words from my mouth "things don’t seem good with us right now" and start off the communication channel.
I don’t know how to approach it maybe because I don’t know what I want the outcome to be but I need to have these talks and start to move forward to either fully commit to reconcile or to separate and continue healing and going into the world alone. I’m scared to be alone though if it goes this route. I have friends but they have their own life. I also have a deep rooted sense/fear that I’ll never meet anyone who will love me as deeply and loyally as I love them. Not everyone finds their person after all.
I feel I’m on the cusp of being able to start off the chain of events and open the communication flood gate but just can’t bring myself to say anything. I try to get drunk to loosen the tongue but it still doesn’t help.
Does anyone have any advice on how to find my voice again?! I can talk to anyone else about stuff but my body rejects being able to talk to him.
Also I’m finding him really attractive and his sense of humour and sparkle is slowly returning so we get on great, but I’m scared I’ll get drawn back in (at the moment holding him at arms length) and then regret it down the line. But I don’t want to make a mistake by leaving when deep down he is a good person he made some terrible terrible choices. Maybe I’m romanticising him and I’ll be better off on my own to heal.
Anyway sorry I’ve gone off topic. Thank you. You’re all so confident about speaking up I would love some of that to be dusted over me.
Thanks, as always - I’m indebted to this forum x
9 comments posted: Friday, October 25th, 2024
Drowning
Not been here for a while but just need to vent and get my thoughts out as I’m feeling so overwhelmed with how consuming dealing with all of this is. I think I bury a lot and end up not actually processing emotions.
I’m still here still stuck in dreaded limbo and feel like my life is running away from me and another 5/10 years will pass and we’ll just be doing the same thing.
I feel like I’m staying put because I value our history together, It’s comfortable, it’s safe (in the sense of better the devil you know), I have a chance to have a family if I jump back in with two feet, we get on well, I won’t be lonely.
I feel that I need to leave because we’re not having any real conversations and actually most things he does not just annoy me - although I don’t know if that’s my being negative or if that’s my gut coming through. We don’t show each other any connection or closeness anymore and when I’ve bought this up before he said I wasn’t showing him any so he felt rejected which is why he doesn’t.
Mostly I think I feel like I can’t be bothered but I also I feel scared to not be with him and if I think about breaking up it makes me want to cry (even though this currently isn’t a healthy relationship with the way we’re both acting - we’re basically roommates).
I need to snap out of my paralysis and actually talk to him about how I feel but perhaps I’m afraid of the repercussions of that conversations so I just don’t say anything.
I don’t know if I want us to work out or not. I hold onto our history together and what we could still do together but often fantasise about doing solo trips or meeting other people. I feel like no one would compare to what we had (or what I thought we had as we obviously weren’t on the same page if he had an affair). I hate that this is my life and I have to navigate this.
I feel damned if I stay and damned if I leave. I’m nearly 31 my window for a family is dwindling by the day and I know I’ve cost myself a whole year by staying but I’m so depressed that more time will pass and I literally feel like a zombie. I either need to jump back in or jump out but I don’t know what one or how to do it.
I know I’m being a pathetic person who doesn’t know her own mind.
I admire people who are so headstrong that they can walk away straight away. I wished that was me but I'm still here. Is that my guts intuition that he is the one for me and just made a terrible number of choices but learnt his lessons?
I used to really like our quiet live with routine but now I feel like I don’t like anything.
I am doing lots of things for myself (exercise/yoga/ reading/ going out more) but even with all this, inside I feel a sense of dread at my life disappearing.
Maybe I’m having a mid life crisis too.
Sorry for such a negative post just needed to get that all out - I should probably have a journal.
21 comments posted: Friday, October 4th, 2024
Mental health at an all time low
I’ve always been very strong minded and was never impacted emotionally in any significant way prior to dealing with infidelity although in hindsight i realise that probably wasn’t healthy and I know it’s important to feel all the emotions etc. maybe if I wasn’t so stone walled I’d have more clarity on understanding my emotions now.
In the aftermath of d day, which is now nearly one year, my mental health is horrific and I’m not sure what to do - I feel resentful, bitter, devastated and I can’t stop thinking about everything, wondering what I should do, dreaming of various life paths I could take (staying, leaving, running away and everything in between).
When people are talking about how perfect another couple is I get really triggered and think everyone is putting on a show as I thought we were a perfect couple and everyone would have also said as much about us before this happened, but low and behold it wasn’t perfect and instead he proved he was a cheating lying prick.
He has got good qualities, great with the nieces and nephews (would be a good dad), does the fair share of housework and is a decent cook. He is trying encourage us to do more by suggesting trips away etc. I can’t let go of the bitterness but I want to believe in love again.
I can’t seem to either let go of this relationship or start showing up and try to actually rebuild. We get on mostly but there’s no intimacy. It’s totally been rugswept to be honest as neither of talk about anything deep or emotional anymore or about what happened. I think I feel resentful that it’s on me - I’m the one thinking about everything and wanting to talk (although am paralysed and unable to!!) - he never asks how I am, or says he’s so grateful we’re still trying and I’m giving him the time of day. Is this what he should be doing?
I want to be loving toward a partner - I certainly used to be. I just can’t at the moment. Maybe I’m too much in my head. Or by showing love then I’ll feel like he’s off the hook 🤷🏼♀️ what’s difficult actually is the first 6 months after d day went well and we talked a lot and showed a lot of affection and it was better than before. But all that has fallen of a cliff and I feel like it’s all my fault.
I can’t understand how I STILL don’t know my own mind or what I want. I’m sick to death with not having clarity.
I feel so pathetic for even entertaining the fact it can work long term again but then I see so many people on here and other staying with a cheating spouse so it seems we do just accept the fact someone betrayed us? Sorry this isn’t personal I’m just finding an outlet to release my pain I don’t meant to cause offence. And genuinely it helps me to understand by seeing all your stories and responses.
Everyone I talk to say I should leave but for some reason I can’t. Why can’t I talk about what’s going on in my head to him? Some days I wish I didn’t even exist so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I would never do anything to harm myself it’s just wishing this was all over and feeling hatred that I’m in this position. Maybe I do want to stay but I’m struggling to accept my decision as it goes against the norm and advice received? And also it makes me feel weak by staying and that I’m betraying myself. People have already pulled away from us as a couple like it’s a catching disease. Maybe it is.
I’m so envious of people living their best life and I feel like a shell of myself.
I know that only I’m the one responsible for how I feel and it’s now my fault I’m still stuck in limbo and not feeling fulfilled in life. I just want to be in a loving relationship and have a family and I feel like it’s my fault this happened and if we had started a family earlier then maybe this wouldn’t have happened or maybe didn’t show him enough love although I feel like I am quite loving (just not right now). I can’t seem to get my head out of spiralling and overthinking every single day. I have therapy but it doesn’t seem to work maybe there’s too much damage to deal with. A lost cause.
Anyway, thanks for reading - I just came to vent. Terribly sorry for the negativity. I loathe it. I used to be so positive and bubbly.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, August 7th, 2024
Struggling - am I self sabotaging?
I’ve had a short break from this platform as I found myself falling down the rabbit hole of everyone else’s stories and trauma and didn’t feel like it helped me understand my own thoughts.
However I’m back for your expert and always insightful comments/advice as I’m, and have been the for the last year, desperately struggling and still don’t know my own mind. Why is this so hard? It should be an easy decision - get out of the relationship where you were fucked over and embrace the people who are loyal and honest.
When I write out my story I think girl what are you still doing with someone who could do that but I’m struggling to communicate how I feel to my partner and I’m very aware that I’m stunting my growth by avoiding these conversations and leaving us in limbo. I just don’t know how to get out of this headspace.
I know I need to talk to him. I don’t know what I’m scared of, maybe his reaction and upsetting him as he thinks we’re all rosy (which honestly I don’t know how he can think that, when there’s no intimacy or connection so he’s just obvious) also scared to blow up my life again the initial blow from him was softened massively by him wanting back in and I think I just didn’t want anything to be true. Scared to make the wrong decision if he’s the one for me (but how can he when he betrayed me for 4 years, unprotected, didn’t know what he wanted during that time or too weak to get out of the situation, hasn’t proposed during our relationship because "would you have wanted me to propose while I was cheating on you")
I feel bad for him that’s he’s ruined his life by what he’s done but I know I’m not responsible for his actions and the consequences of.
I’m not sure reconciliation is worth it, surely no man or woman is worth the pain they put us through after betrayal, but I don’t know how to get out. I’m scared that it could be worth it but I’m not giving it a proper chance so I’m afraid I’m self sabotaging what could be a good second chance relationship.
Perhaps having a break will help give me the clarity I need.
why am I so incompetent at having difficult conversations. The longer it goes unsaid the more awkward it feels.
Should I just send him a text to piss off and move out the house? 🤣🤣
Sorry I’m here with the same old shit again but I’m in such a bad headspace lately and this feels like a safe place to come.
18 comments posted: Tuesday, July 23rd, 2024
Am I going crazy or just in denial?
Sorry I think I’m addicted to posting threads on here for people’s wise insights.
We’re all new here at this thing called life. It’s literally our first time living so we learn as we go.
Isn’t the whole point of life that nothing it set in stone. Things change and people get do overs, thus, a chance to redeem themselves all the time. Any time they want actually.
So is the same to be said for people who are unfaithful? And does that mean in the same relationship, or is it that they a get a do over to be better but for someone else?
Why is there such a stigma that if someone cheats society expect you (near enough tell you) to end it? Why do cheaters not get the same redemption offered?
I think I’m in denial stage of my grief to be honest (you’ll know from my other thread that my head is deeply stuck in the sand at present) perhaps me not wanting to accept the reality of my relationship and the situation I’ve been thrown into but sometimes we have a good day and I look at my partner and think how well we know each other and get on and fit together that maybe it’s not such a big deal?
He’s all in now so I should be happy? and anyone new could (and likely will based on my experience and all the horror stories I read here) pull the rug from under me again if I leave and move on with someone else anyway as cheating just seems to be the norm/ accepted/ part of the history of every relationship nowadays so..better the devil you know, right? Maybe I don’t need to overthink my choices and life plans when I can just continue on this path I had originally thought out with him? 😬🤷🏼♀️
Have I gone crazy? Maybe I have and that’s my cue to get out?! lol
I’m do know I’m not happy right now(and I will tell him the areas I need us to focus on) but I think a lot of my unhappiness is partly my own doing by entertaining my incessant overthinking. Maybe if I just get on with life like nothing happened it will go away and we can life happily ever after again. Is that what most people do in these situations anyway?
Why am I making this so hard for myself?!
Also I really apologise as I feel like my tone reads quite passive aggressive which was not intentional or personal - I’m just very bitter right now.
12 comments posted: Sunday, July 7th, 2024
Am I expecting too much?
Part of my reason to leaning more to want to leave is because I feel like now my needs aren’t being met in terms of connection, affection and intimacy. Such as he doesn’t show a huge amount of emotion without first being shown it by me and unfortunately I’m not in a good headspace and keep him at arms length (I.e he tried to hold my hand but I felt uncomfortable and then because he feels like I rejected him he hadn’t tried again)
Likewise he doesn’t always give me hugs (sometimes rarely he will first) and he will hug back if I do first but he mostly only shows more affection if I initiate it first.
I’m sick of being the one responsible for the connection and affection levels in this relationship - surely more should come from him.
My question is am I asking too much from him by expecting him to continue showing me affection despite me pushing him away, or is this a case of what do you expect.. if you’re not showing him affection why would he show you any…but obviously he’s got a lot of making up to do surely?
Also I haven’t been able to tell him I love him since d day and so he hasn’t said it to me (because he doesn’t think it’s nice to say love you to someone when they don’t say it back). Is this unreasonable for me to expect he still says it to me when I don’t?
Wondering if this is doomed and I’m delaying the inevitable, or if it’s me holding us back from being able to give R an actual chance by not opening myself up to him anymore.
Thank you all - as always!!
11 comments posted: Thursday, June 27th, 2024
Any regrets?
Has anyone ever regretted leaving their cheating spouse/partner and got back together at a later stage? Or after the healing period following divorce, was life better when you ended things?
My partner wants us to stay together (after having a 4-year PA) and he has made some positive changes but to be honest by and large we’ve gone back to how we’ve always been and not in a healthy way. I’m leaning on taking a break and separating as still, even after one year post d-day, I have daily thoughts on what is the right thing for me to do and I don’t want that for myself in a relationship (not having clarity) but I don’t know if I’ll regret leaving as he’s a good guy deep down and we have a good friendship within our relationship.
But I want a relationship I am confident in and feel clear headed about and feel peace in. I don’t know if I’ll find that healing together or if I’ll find that from separating and healing on my own. Currently I’m not fully able to show up and be present and enjoy this relationship again, but don’t know if it’s because I’m holding back subconsciously maybe.
I’m scared that so many people have written about multiple partners cheating on them that if I don’t work this relationship out I’ll not find someone else that can remain loyal and I’ll be in this situation again. Or I’m scared that I’ll suggest we separate and come to regret it as I’ll miss him and what we could have had too much?
Feel screwed either way but would be interesting to hear of other people’s stories and experience with this 🙏🏼
5 comments posted: Monday, June 24th, 2024
Why do I now feel guilty?
Why am I now feeling guilty that I’m not sure if it’s best for me to continue in this relationship?
Been in ‘R’ for nearly a year although feels more like rug sweeping from both of us and alright, maybe I should be making more effort to reconcile than I am rather than holding him at arms length or assuming he should be the one doing everything to show love/affection but I feel like I just want time on my own. I feel like my soul has been murdered and I have no joy or sparkle for life anymore. I feel like I’m disconnected even from myself.
Maybe we can work it out after some time apart and solo healing or maybe it will be the catalyst for my personal growth and I’ll realise I prefer life without him.
But I see so many people on here who have reconciled I feel like I’m a failure for not properly trying.
He didn’t receive a lot of love growing up so I feel guilty that I still feel unsure and in limbo about how I feel about us, and often fantasise a version of my life without him.
What if it’s the wrong decision to part ways when clearly it’s so common place?
I feel like I haven’t given us a chance but I don’t want to waste more of my life in such a negative headspace. I’m only 30.
17 comments posted: Friday, June 14th, 2024
1 year post d-day
So it is officially my 1 year anniversary today.
Exactly 1 year ago I found out about my partners betrayal which had been going on for 4 years up until that point. He told me because the OW fell pregnant (although he claims he was going to tell me anyway as he couldn’t cope with the lies anymore but I’ll never know if that’s true). My partner was at her beck and call for pregnancy related emergencies etc and she miscarried a month later. He has stopped all contact with her but not sure if that makes me question him as well because can you really be with someone for 4 years and drop all contact after that?!
Anyway as soon as confessed to the affair he said he wished he hadn’t done it, worst time of his life and he had suicidal ideation. He said he wanted to rebuild and for us to work it out and stay together.
We had 4 months living separately as I immediately kicked him out. We then went on holiday together and he slowly moved back in.
Things with us now are pretty much the same as they’ve always been (affectionless and same lazy habits) which I think might be red flags as surely it’s meant to be better than ever and he should be showing me waaaay more love and affection (even if I’m not doing that toward him)?
I don't think he’s even clocked what day it is today. If he has, he certainly hasn’t mentioned anything. Maybe that’s a good thing - does it even need to be acknowledged?
I don’t feel any rush of emotions at all, I just feel nothing actually. Just empty/numb which isn’t anything new - not sure if that’s normal during (a limping attempt at) reconciliation or not? Are we circling the drain?
What are other waywards doing at this stage of reconciliation and during these d-day anniversary dates?
How are other betrayed people feeling at the anniversaries?
What I would most like is to message the OW! I keep stalking her insta for profile picture changes or blurb updates which is clearly unhealthy and I know I won’t achieve anything by contacting her but honestly I really feel such a deep urge to! Has anyone else done this and do you regret it or did it bring you closure?
The main point of this post is:
Are people normally triggered at a d-day anniversary?
Why am I not more bothered about it?
Happy d-day to me I guess! 🤣🫠
5 comments posted: Monday, June 3rd, 2024
Stuck in limbo
I’ve posted before about are we fools for staying and sorry but I’m posting again. For some reason I am needing validation and feedback from strangers on the internet. But there’s something warming about people having lived through similar situations that can give different advice than friends and family who are sick of hearing about my relationship woes and just want to marry me off to someone else.
For context, I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years and d-day was nearly a year ago. He admitted to sleeping with an ex colleague for over a year although a further admission a week later and he confirmed the whole thing, from when they began texting, actually began 4 years ago but there were breaks in between so really it was only a year and half… (clearly he’s minimising it).
He broke contact with her straight away and was open with me if she messaged again. He has been transparent with his phone and his whereabouts if he has to go out to a work client (when previously unbeknownst to me he would extend these client visits to include a brief stop at her house). He also seemed genuinely remorseful in all our 12 years together when he told me about the affair and some of our subsequent conversations they have been the only times I’ve ever seen him cry. He also took accountability and has had conversations with some of my family to prove how much he wants to take ownership and become the better version of himself.
Initially I kicked him out the house but to be honest we never went no contact so we didn’t have a break however it was nice living on my own for that short while. We went on a holiday and he moved back in 4 months later so focus on reconciling and healing together.
At first I felt very connected to him again and we were having great sex again but since the new year I’ve been feeling nothing. I don’t feel anger or pain toward him but I also don’t feel like I want to be loving toward him. I don’t like holding his hand and whilst I know I do really love him and I have felt the urge to say it every now and again, I haven’t actually said the words for a year now.
I’m rambling here but I guess my life and deep pondering thoughts are:
1) how do I get unstuck from this state of limbo and feel confident to pick a side - stay or go?
2) cheating and affairs are literally everywhere, is this part and parcel of relationships nowadays? I don’t want to throw away 12 years of history and shared memories and experiences and love just to find someone else who will also cheat or leave me for someone else.
3) are we just so thankful they ‘chose’ us and want to stay that we agree and stay as well?
4) the grass is greenest where you water it, so perhaps staying and watering this relationship and showing more love toward him will be best.
5) is it normal to feel a sense of ambivalence toward a cheating partner and how do you get back the love? I think perhaps it’s actually societal shame in my head that’s holding me back. There’s such a stigma on staying and I feel a little embarrassed that I’ve chosen to stay but I also feel like why should some other woman benefit from my reformed man?
6) We had planned a life together and want to have kids someday (I’m 30) and I can’t imagine doing any of that with someone else. Maybe I still have rose coloured glasses on.
7) it’s interesting to me that in my previous post In the reconciliation forum, many others told me to leave despite their decision in the same situation was to stay and go on to marry/have children so why would I be given the advice to leave? Are people deep down regretful of staying with their cheating spouse?
8) is it normal that I don’t have anger (I have resentment for lost years and now pressure with my biological clock ticking to make a decision on my future) but I don’t feel angry at what he did anymore I feel a bit ‘meh’ about it. I might be burying my head in the sand? Or maybe I’m actually ok and my overthinking is what’s causing me the problems.
Anyway I’ll stop now I could go on forever.
Just to add, I am in IC with a therapist who does lots of meditative stuff to help get me out of my head but it’s a slow progress and tbh with my clock ticking I don’t have time to spend another 12 years without moving the relationship forward, I want to get on with fully living my life either with him and moving forward together having kids etc, or living my life on my own.
Thanks and sorry again for everyone at my being such a broken record with my story. I just feel so lost and stuck and I don’t know how much longer I can live without living. I don’t know why I can’t make a decision. It feels passive of me to stay and ‘accept’ what he’s done like I’m not standing up for myself. But I feel like I want to do life with him. You’re meant to pick one person and make it work right?
17 comments posted: Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024
Are we fools for staying?
So last year I found out my partner of 12 years had been sleeping with someone he used to work with. The affair had been going on 4 years and he was forced into disclosure as she was pregnant, although he says he was at a low point and was going to tell me regardless.
He told her that it was over and he only wanted to be with me but would step up and be there for the baby etc.
The pregnancy didn’t come to fruition in the end and he cut all contact and blocked her etc. however due to the initial situation I kicked him out for a few months and all our friends and family know what happened so that’s a huge barrier for us to work through and quite rightly some of the family disapprove of me reconciling and others have been gracious in supporting me.
Although we are in process of reconciling and 8 months out I’m still definitely not over it, the magic I thought we had is gone but I have been reading lots of success stories of people who have worked it out.
Are we all fools to continue building a life with someone after such devastating deceit?
How can we turn a blind eye and ‘move on’ from all the lies which are now glaringly obvious?
Are people who reconciled genuinely happy and is there hope for me/him?
Is life’s purpose to find one person to go on all of the ups and downs with and this is one of those ‘downs’?
Some days I feel like we’re meant to be together and it will all be ok in the end, and other days I want to embrace freedom and live on my own. Stuck at such a crossroads on which direction to take. Don’t want to throw away 12 years. We always had a good relationship before his affair started, he claims he was in a bad place mentally but claims now he wouldn’t do anything like that again after coming so close to losing everything (he still knows he might lose me)
Also I’m 30 and desperately see children in my future so maybe having a baby to focus on and love will help us reconcile and bring back the bond we have to full strength, or if I leave I have to grieve that my chances of having a child reduce dramatically and I’ll not have the same history or bond with someone else that I’ve had with my current partner - you can’t replace 12 years of memories and knowing a person.
Any advice or other success stories (through leaving or staying), or life lessons would be greatly appreciated. Helps us to feel less alone reaching out to similarly affected people.
38 comments posted: Saturday, May 4th, 2024
Did any try to R then change their mind later on?
Mind is currently in a swirl.
Looking for stories of people who tried to reconcile with their partner after an affair then decided it wasn’t what they wanted after all and separated/divorced?
How did you gain the clarity to make that decision?
Do you have any regrets and wish you’d stayed reconciling?
15 comments posted: Saturday, May 4th, 2024
