Feels like reliving an asteroid impact

I was sent this site as a place to find support. So a bit of context before my question. Advice and/or experiences welcome.

My WH and I had been together for 6.5 years. Would be 8 this year but we separated for over a year with no intention of reconciling due to emotional affairs and dishonesty.

One AP in particular was pervasive. This (long distance) person was groomed as my replacement as every time there was an argument during that period, he ran to her. He would stonewall me for days, weeks, sometimes longer. I don't know the extent of everything that was said or done but I know there were graphic pictures, videos, phone calls, money transfers. He even planned a trip to see her. He said they had a falling out before that happened. Can't be certain if that's true but it wouldn't surprise me if he had. And I am powerless to scrub the truth from him. I hate that feeling. It's like a cavity in your soul that just throbs and hurts.

The day I gave birth to our first child, he left the hospital to give her an update and did not return for the duration of our stay there. Ibdidnt find this out until much later, of course. I could go into detail about the devastating things he did and said while interacting with her especially. She wasnt the only one, I discovered later, but was his most consistent. And that happened twice by surprise. Shockingly (sarcasm), he abandoned me in hospital after the birth of our second. That time I didn't cry and the nurses didn't call in specialists to see if I was suffering from ppd.

Not long after there was a cancer scare and I lost an ovary. We were temporarily separated at that time, not broken up, but after the first incident I resented him a great deal and needed away. He didn't call to ask about the diagnosis, and as far as the ovary, his words of encouragement were, "It's not a big deal, you'll get over it." I think that's enough to paint a picture of dysfunction. He took something precious from me I can never get back. He ruined the birth of my children and the joy I should have felt and turned it into acid. I cradled loneliness instead of our children.

These events were always followed up with profuse apologies and promises that it was over etc. I'm sure some of you know the drill. I loved him so much, the future fake, and the hope for change-- enough to oblige. And he would be charming, attentive and sweet. And then some tiny little thing. I'd have a bad day that went against the script. I would ask a question for reassurance which was forbidden. Or if we hadn't been intimate in several weeks, rejected after attempting to initiate, I'd ask more. He'd blow up. Cue the stonewalling. And of course after years of this, it was ingrained in me that he had gone running to someone. I'd ask him which would lead to explosive outbursts. Rinse, repeat.

So dishonesty and the constant attention seeking/neglect fed those same behaviors but this time it was "my fault" because I couldn't just leave the past alone. And THIS time I was part of the sick. I would literally make myself sick. When I say stonewalling, it was complete radio silence. And my mind is very creative. The scenarios I would imagine!

Big gaps are left where things were good. Sometimes better than good. But it's all overshadowed of course. Because that fog was never lifted for long enough to forgive its presence. There WERE days I could forget to remember it was safe to breathe. That the air wasn't toxic. Until it was and I...

Anyway I finally had enough. I believe he eventually stopped but it had been so severe it was just a constant drain to be worried and frightened of how I might trigger him to betray me (I know it's not my fault, but he'd played that card enough). Neither of us deserved the fallout even if it was justified. Certainly not the kids. I left and started working on myself. Spent the last year improving and getting back into working out consistently. Started a side business. Learning to shoot a bow lol. Pouring back into myself and our children.

I'll try to make the next part short(er).

Beginning of this year we spoke when he came to pick up the kids. He told me he got back on his meds (add/adhd), seeing a therapist etc. He wanted to reconcile. I refused. Eventually I relented. He did seem different. Sincere, genuine. He acknowledged all the things he wouldn't in the past. (That emotional cheating is still cheating). That it was never my fault. All the things he would never admit. He was patient and kind as I rambled and spewed 6 years of poison. Not at him. But he wouldn't have done that before. He was affected. And the hugs and comfort was, I truly believe, authentic.

I gave him 6 months to prove his consistency. If we could maintain friendship for that time without things spiraling out of control, and only on the definitive path of complete transparency. I specifically asked about this person, if they'd been in contact. That I wouldn't be angry because we were separated but I needed to know before I got involved between them because I wouldn't be to any capacity. He said no, they hadn't spoken since. That would have been late 2021 when he officially ended it with her.

Things had been going really well. Fast forward to last weekend and I discovered that she is one of his friends on social media. From my last count before separation he had blocked her with finality. I confronted him CALMLY. And then he proceeded to change his story over the next 2 days. At first he said he was apologizing. Then, that she initiated contact, not him. Apparently this happened late last year and she came off "sketchy" so he stopped responding.

I hope I'm conveying this properly.

It's not that he's talking to someone as it's not my business while we were apart. However I asked about her specifically because I didn't want THIS to happen and I trip over her name somewhere and then he's got 'splainin to do. He went into a rage because I accused him of lying when I asked. He claims it was more omission and he didn't tell me because it was very brief and didn't really register as important enough to mention. I told him even if that's the case, I needed him to be honest. He was responsible for rebuilding trust. He robbed us both of that. That I was well within my rights to ask questions about it when this was his promise. There was no room for anything less. Just as he would be within his rights if roles were reversed. So now it is my fault because I ambushed him. I "went looking for problems."

I guess my question is, am I justified in being concerned because it is THIS person? Or do I have no right as I ended things, regardless of who it is? Despite the answers I receive, I'm still settled because the trust, what little was earned, was compromised. Can't go through it again. I don't have the mental fortitude to be at war with him, myself. And he hasn't spoken to me in a few days so I find myself feeling the entire weight of my foolishness. It's got its own gravitational pull.

Thank you for your time and patience and any guidance or insight you can offer.

13 comments posted: Saturday, July 6th, 2024