It's okay to lie to your spouse
At least that's the message I got from our MC last night. My wife brought up that I asked her to take a polygraph and the therapist asked why and I said I have read that it's a tool that can help restore Trust. I said I used to think I would know if my wife was lying to me but right now I don't have that confidence so an independent objective third party would help put some questions to rest
There was some more back and forth and then our therapist said let's say I desired another man, my husband asks me do you desire that man, I would look at my husband and say no honey, I am happy with you. She said I would answer this way if I thought my husband was looking for reassurance and I said you just lied to your husband's face and she said no, I reassured him
I said you just told us that you desire this other man, your husband asks you that very question, your response was no even though the correct answer was yes, and you are telling me that you didn't lie to him, you reassured him? And she said yes
I said okay, let's say you are talking to this other man, your husband doesn't know that, he asks you if you are talking to this other man, would you tell him no and she said no, that would be a felony lie. I said what's the difference? You are lying to your husband on purpose and you are justifying it as reassuring him. Why stop there?
She said there are white lies and there are felony lies. She said let me ask you this, your wife asks does my butt look big in these jeans or does this dress look good on you and I said I would give her my honest opinion. I would not be cruel I would just be honest because if you don't have honesty in your marriage what do you have?
Am I so far out of touch with reality? Am I the outlier? If you are lying to your spouse to avoid an uncomfortable conversation or situation and you justify it as sparing his or her feelings you are lying to yourself, at least that's how I see it
At this point I think the therapist was getting a bit frustrated with me. She asked do you tell your wife every single time you see another woman as attractive and I said no but if my wife asked me is that woman attractive I would say yes or no.
Is my moral compass this far out of whack with today's society?
25 comments posted: Thursday, November 7th, 2024
Double standard is okay?
Does anyone else have a double standard in their marriage after the affair? My wife and I agreed that she will not be going out after work with coworkers in a mixed setting. If her and some office women want to get together after work that's not a problem but I set a hard boundary on mixed events after hours that do not include spouses.
Not that I am a social butterfly but I don't have such a boundary. When we talked I said I have not done anything to rattle your faith in me but the affair has rattled my faith in you. Her affair, as far as I know, was strictly sexting for validation.
It's a blatant double standard. I think I should feel a bit like a hypocrite but I don't
ETA: In hindsight I wasn't clear. She has said she's okay abiding by it because she understands that since her affair was with a coworker her going out with coworkers would cause problems for us.
18 comments posted: Tuesday, October 15th, 2024
Poly questions
Talking with my wife Monday night after our MC session I was pissed off so I asked would you take a polygraph test. She paused for a couple of seconds and said if you thought it would help but I am concerned about it reading a false positive. The second part of that sentence caught my ear. Is it possible? Yes
I explained to her I would give her a list of questions that she would answer on paper and then the examiner would pick random questions to ask so now I'm looking to compile a list of questions. Suggestions?
I don't want the questions strictly centered around the affair I discovered back in april, I want questions that go back through our history such as have you ever had physical contact with another man that your husband does not know about? Or have you communicated in a way with another man that you would not do so in front of your husband?
12 comments posted: Friday, October 11th, 2024
Your feelings about the AP
and your spouse. If I despise my wife's AP shouldn't I despise my wife as well? Both are equally guilty. Both made the decision to engage in unethical activity.
I know I will never be friends with her AP but I don't hate him.
No one forced anyone to have an affair
48 comments posted: Friday, September 27th, 2024
For the BS's who reconciled
Were you able to fully recommit to the marriage without any reservations? Or is there something small in the back of your mind that keeps you from doing so?
As I'm sure many others have said, my wife was the last person on Earth I thought would do something that could potentially destroy our relationship and rip the heart out of my chest at the risk of sounding dramatic.
When she could finally admit the truth that she knew I would be upset if I found out but didn't think I would be this upset I looked at her wondering if you knew that what you were doing would upset me how was that not enough to make you stop let alone stop it from happening in the first place?
These days I look at my wife with a totally different set of eyes. Our MC has said that our old relationship is gone and we are now building a brand new relationship but would you knowingly build a new relationship with someone who you now know has the ability to rip your heart out? I understand anybody at any point in a relationship has the ability to do so but our morals and standards keep us from doing so.
If you met somebody new and on the first few dates he or she says they cheated on their former spouse and destroyed the marriage would that not make you wonder if you want to continue dating this person?
These are the thoughts that occupy my brain these days
12 comments posted: Friday, September 27th, 2024
The obs reached out
To tell me her husband will not be back at work until January, he broke his foot and he won't be back at all if his promotion goes thru next month.
She said I know it's not much, just letting you know that he won't be there.
I replied with "I stopped worrying about them being in the same building a while ago. I accepted the reality months back that if two people want to get together they will find a way. Yes, it's easier on my mind if they are not in close proximity to each other but I no longer sit around worrying about it. If my wife is going to have an another affair I am powerless to stop it and in retrospect that has always been the reality from the day we met.
I hope you are doing as well as can be expected."
I thought it was kind of her to send a message that she thought might ease my mind. Maybe I should tell her about this place...
4 comments posted: Tuesday, September 24th, 2024
So I contacted the obs
Thank you to the person who recommended I use truthfinders, that got me her email.
I sent a very generic email asking two simple questions which would verify whether or not I was in touch with the right person and she replied yes so I told her everything I knew about the sexting and timeline. I apologized for not telling her sooner, saying I had no right to decide what she gets to know and not know about her marriage
She said she was floored but he has done this in the past. She did thank me for letting her know and she did say she does not blame me for not reaching out sooner
I told her that I discovered the affair at the beginning of April and she said she was having surgery in April to rule out breast cancer. So while he was exchanging sext messages with my wife his wife was wondering whether or not she has breast cancer.
I gave her the phone number he was using and it turns out it is his police department issued phone. Wish I could file a FOIA for the records...
She confronted him when he arrived home from work. He gave her a similar time line, said it was just texting, nothing physical, not that I would expect any other answer :/
Later in the evening I told my wife about my email conversation with the OBS and she became angry because I didn't discuss it with her prior to reaching out. She said "What if she comes to my work and makes a scene? Did you consider that? No, you had this planned out and never considered that could happen!"
I said "And had she looked thru his phone and found your texts?"
"That wouldn't happen" Huh, and you know this how?
She said had we discussed this I would have been prepared in case she did show up. I said in telling you know. Either way, if she is going to show up theb she is going to show up, regardless if we discussed it prior. She didn't like that retort
It is so hypocritical that my wife feels justified telling me I should have thought about HER and the ramifications of telling the OBS yet did not find it necessary to think about ME and the ramifications had i discovered her sexting fun :/
I told her about the OBS having breast cancer surgery the same month they were sexting and that hit home, hard. Finally my wife was seeing how deep an affair cuts.
She was very upset with herself for hours after, crying, saying she hates herself. She's still upset this morning
18 comments posted: Wednesday, September 18th, 2024
How did you find the obs?
I have decided to draft a letter informing his wife what has been going on between her husband and my wife but I'm having trouble finding where they live so I can have a letter delivered. I tried the usual records search in our county but all I can find is a house they sold about 4 years ago.
How did you find the OBS?
23 comments posted: Monday, September 16th, 2024
Wife said she is hurt and angry
Our 21st anniversary is coming up near the end of the month and I have no interest in celebrating it. I found out April 4th that my wife was sexting a married coworker 13 years my younger and of course one of the questions I asked was when did this start and so far her answer is still I don't know which I do not believe.
So it's possible they were communicating when our anniversary rolled around last year or it began shortly thereafter. Since they were communicating iPhone to iPhone the text messages did not go through Verizon so I have no way of finding out
A week ago my wife said it's important to me that we celebrate our anniversary this year and I bought you a gift. I said we have never exchanged gifts on our anniversary. She said it's something small but you will understand the meaning when you see it. So now I feel obligated to find a special gift for her even though I have no desire to do so
Last night we were talking and our anniversary came up. I told her my brain for some reason has connected our anniversary to the affair. She said we have 21 years of trials and tribulations and we should celebrate that.
Nothing else was said after that, we just laid there in silence for a while until she turned off the bedroom lights and went to sleep
At 5:00 a.m. when her alarm goes off she will usually curl up next to me for a little while before we have to get out of bed but this morning she just got out of bed and I could tell something was bothering her but I am done trying to coax conversation out of her so I said nothing
In the kitchen she said your words last night hurt me and made me angry so I need some time to calm down before we discuss it and I said okay. I have zero empathy for her. She made the decision to destroy our relationship so to me she gets to deal with the consequences
So far the reconciliation has been going well and AFAIK there has been no contact but does one ever really know the truth. She said the other day she was walking down the hall and he was talking to somebody and he took a step to the side so that his back was to her when she passed by.
He was informed via text message early on that there will be no contact and he needs to acknowledge that he understands I have copies of the text messages and that if he does not reply saying he understands and there will be no contact then he is gambling with his wife receiving copies of the text messages so maybe that is enough to keep him away. I only have copies of the text messages from the day I discovered the affair because my wife was smart enough, deceitful enough, to erase them before she left work each day. I found the messages on her tablet because my Spidey Sense was tingling
I feel no obligation to fake a happy anniversary celebration this year. Maybe next year I will feel differently if we're still together but my feelings are my feelings as hers are hers and she just has to accept that
36 comments posted: Saturday, September 14th, 2024
