Update + Goals for Temporary Space

Hi All,

So updates --

- > 6 months since admitting to the affair now
- I confronted her on being this long, and still barely any progress
- Caused her to start new IC (face to face) who WS is resonating with [already had 2 sessions within 2 weeks]
- new IC has suggested she has ADHD
- new IC called her out for avoiding everything (Dad's death, cause of the affair etc)
- Has started to read more, also taking more time for mindfulness to review & address
- Still hasn't worked out the Whys?
- Admitted that Poly/Open wasn't even a thought til talking to previous IC [but got obsessed]
- Admitted still has some feelings for AP, but reducing {still hasn't addressed this whole Poly crap yet}
- Is acknowledging more the hurt and feelings - but also sometimes avoiding cause hurt and sadness in my eyes
- Is acknowledging my patience, and trying to make commitments to work on herself and us, and seeing a future with us
- Kind of freaked out when I pointed out the timeline to her (which I worked out) and her realising how fast everything happend
- Actions still sometimes need to be pushed {but is more expressive with physical touch and saying I love you etc}
- As we are not openly fighting etc kids still seem unaware of anything happening

Myself...
- Anger comes and goes - its more about how long its taken to get here than the Affair itself now
- I don't know my feelings for her atm, the thought of loosing her still makes me burst into tears, when she writes
nice messages etc, I cry but other times I am just like 'meh'
- I have def caught myself looking at other women more / fantasizing more - but def not within intimate moments with WS
- I am... okay I think with the either outcome - knowing if it does end then I did my best and something else might exist?

Current next steps and actions
- Because this was taking so long and over my original timeline AND also her IC suggesting she needs to make even more space to ensure she gives this the proper time and focus - we have agreed on a temporary living apart arrangement (at her moms)
- I was suggesting a month she was suggesting 2 weeks
- We talked about it being at start of Jan (school holiday period etc - and post XMAS and a birthday)
- Also mid feb is when they first made contact, and then overlap of affair period and I kind of want movement before then
- However still hasn't worked out the details / suggestions / goals from her side
- Kind of gone with perhaps no comms outside of comms about kids etc, ensuring she has some communication with them
- WS setting up a

Aims?
I think my aims / wants are
- Her trying to work out the why?
- Her either fully committing to this concept of some relationship with AP [dealbreaker] or that it was just fantasy / dopamine issue and influence
(even though its now longer since the affair, then it was happening)
- her committing to further IC and ready for MC
- What does actually being remorseful / working on it / winning me back look like

So looking for advice and thoughts from all of you, especially where this time apart has worked on goals, and what I should be looking for from WS / like what worked for you? Making sure I don't have to crazy expectations

6 comments posted: Saturday, December 21st, 2024

Update + Q: What does good reconilitation behaviour look like??

Hi All,

It's now 4 months since DDay, and about 6 weeks since the real story / depth of what happened came about.

WS had her 2nd IC session finally, especially after now me knowing a lot more, and the outcome of that was to ask me if I was okay with the concept of an Open Marriage (I didn't loose my shit, but did highlight a lot of things where this wouldn't be.. it would be a poly amorous [since she informed me that she used the L word with this guy as well... sigh] and a bunch of other things.) The task on her post that session was to do a pro/con list etc (this was early September). Originally I wanted that outcome and choice before our anniversary (like 12 days later) but my IC went thats impossible, you are going to have to suffer a bit and wait til towards end of year to find out her choice on the various options on what SHE wants [Choose me, Choose him, choose to have open {i won't}, choose neither, can't choose {i walk})

Our wedding anniversary was on the 23rd it was so weird and awkward, and tbh I walked away feeling like I was doing way more of the effort ... I had arranged flowers, two cards (a letter to burn which had some of my feelings.. and then a nice custom card I made myself with photos of us) - a paint by numbers activity all setup, a beginner salsa class. Her... some activity idea which she had to cancel for weather - a brunch activity and a card, and a origami heart with reasons why she loves me on it... but it was rushed.. it was her coming out and seeing the setup I had done, that made her rush to get her stuff done (though she had brought the card already). Her reasoning is cause we were going away on holidays a couple days later (hence no big plans - even though I had asked her originally to plan out our anniversary).

At the same time as this, for some reason the kids had seen a bunch of cheater revenge stuff on YouTube and going on and on about how evil cheaters are, and me having to sit there and try to explain sometimes people just make mistakes etc ... and going in my head... well you dont know about your mother etc.

We've just gotten back now from holidays since the 26th September, and I struggled a lot at times -I just felt... flat.. I couldn't really enjoy a lot of moments, the most fun I had was when I was doing things with the kids and her not around etc.

I burst into tears at one point, and she was like why you thinking about this now, we are on holidays etc etc

She is still being affectionate, we are still being intimate etc - but it still just feels like everything is the same way of talking / reacting etc as she was both before and during the affair.

I found my paranoia kicked in a lot as well, when she went for a walk etc at one of the hotels I couldn't stop thinking, is she trying to call him etc. She's gone off to the shops atm, to return stuff.. but its been a couple hours and my paranoia on where and what she is doing is high [though she promises me there has been no contact since June 20]

In fact on the trip I found myself getting so angry at times, here she was having fun, smiling, like everything is okay - where everything is far from okay - where I just couldn't stop thinking about aspects of the situation and what the future options would be.

I know holidays (with kids as well) aren't the place to have these discussions, and do reconciliation - so a lot of this just had to be parked / festered - but it just made the holiday so.. grey at times - it felt way to early to be doing this trip together.

So now that we are back.... my questions really are

- what should my WS really be doing to demonstrate shes keen for repair, reconciliation & healing?
- how frequently should we be seeing IC ? (I have had 4 sessions to her 2 so far) [And i think she feels I need it more than her..]
- what are some of the recommendations on healthy boundaries etc? How do I make sure I clearly communicate these without it being attack / defensive
- Do I need to communicate more on timelines on outcomes / decisions [see below]

At this point I feel like she's thinks that heart thing with the reasons she loves me is her way of showing choice, that she hasn't actually done her pro/cons - that shes taking what she thinks is the path of least resistance, and less disruption to life, kids etc.

I have her birthday next week (which I have already arranged a tonne for), my birthday is 2 weeks after (and I really think she won't do heaps .. and then won't understand why I would be so upset)

In my mind I know around December 1st I am going to have to confront her about this - and she will end up being shocked etc and if she has no plans or thinking about what her plans or reconciliation are.

We have a tonne of changes coming in with work, and she is going back to 4 days in the office - and the reasoning is training new staff members... (the pretend excuse she was giving me last time to go to the hotel.. but I have seen the messages with her peer where they are complaining about their manager insisting on all of this).

Overall I am feeling lost, confused, no idea on the direction we are going - angry that it feels like she is just going to get away with this - no idea on what my feelings really are for her anymore or anything.

Sorry for this being a bit rambling.. tired, already back at work - and just meh

15 comments posted: Wednesday, October 16th, 2024

What to expect when your expecting(?)

First post here, and sorry if I am not up on all the structure / acronyms etc

TL;DR: What should I be thinking of / expecting in this situation - what does effort / reconciliation about look like?

Attempt at brief on summary of situation
- We have been married for 13 years, with 2 tween children
- Day after Father in law passed, received notification about rating a recent hotel stay on tablet
- Did some digging found multiple day use only of Hotel stays every 2-3 weeks for past 2-3 months
- Kept investigating and supporting all the stuff around funeral events etc
- Day before funeral she receives an eMail from the other guy (who was her brothers best friend) with a list of
accommodation options for a weekend getaway
- Both days of the funeral (formal buddhist / toaist) he was there
- On first night of funeral could tell something wasn't right with me - asked about Hotels - she said it wasn't
what I thought, but would talk to me after the following day
- Straight after funeral on 2nd day and family events, dropped her nephew home to go see him (to end things according to her)
- Told me hotels stuff was for work related things, and could talk to colleague, confronted about Guy and where she was then, and all was reveled.

-Supposedly affair only last 2-3 months / no discussion on us, or her dads illness etc - feels it was escapism
-Supposedly whilst there was the hotels - he was only there for an hour or less and most they ever got to was oral
(felt still to guilty yet to go further)...

- Since then I have had my cousin, my grandfather and I had previously to this some former colleagues pass away (7 deaths in 3 months)

Stuff about supporting reconciliation
- Both of us made a commitment to trying to work this out with path to couples counseling etc
- Since the event she has been more expressive in both emotional expression and physical touch (was always looking for me to start anything and get mad if I didn't blames her heritage / upbringing)
- I have attended several individual counseling sessions etc, and trying to create some time for myself - but holding off on the next one to see what she is responding with)
- She attended 1 telehealth session AFTER I had to push her several times, they asked her to read some specific books (I got them for her kindle)
- She hasn't read the books, she hasn't had a follow-up session
- A couple weeks ago, I was so mad and messaged her about not prioritising us (always other things, family, kids, work etc) she didnt want to talk about it to later that day, I got fed up and went to go for the rest of the day and we talked
- I had asked her ages ago to write a letter to me detailing why she loves me etc (trying for reconnect and confirmation - that was almost 90 days ago, still waiting letter)
- Admitted that she is a mess, that everything with her dad and this is to much and she just doesnt want to think about it
- Promised to have another session to start working on this, or at least something, emailed to make another session, nothing and hasn't bothered calling

I am skipping lots of other odds and ends, to make this not to much of an essay but just context but

What the hell does reconciliation even look like?
What is reasonable expectations? Am I expecting too much? Like her doing something to understand the situation, take responsibility? Atonement?

What is reasonable in terms of prioritising / activities around this?
There is lots going on with her dad as well? Which means i keep trying to be good and give her time and space, but I matter as well?

How long is long (I know piece of string and all)

Thanks for reading, and any advice - due to the nature of everything there really is no one I can just turn to and go what the..

11 comments posted: Monday, August 26th, 2024