How can I help him heal from the pain I caused him?

This is my first post and my story is a complicated one, but I need advice from people who have been through similar situations

I have been with my partner for 20 years (10 married and 2 kids). A little after our 1st year together, I went out with a guy I felt in love with before I had met my boyfriend, thinking that I was going out with a friend (I used to chat with that guy as he was studying abroad, but I cut ties with him when I met my boyfriend). During the catching up phase of our outing, I told him I had a boyfriend to which he responded in a way that made me feel uncomfortable (he said he wished he had been my first), but I just scoffed it off and continued the conversation because I didn't know how to react (I was 21 years old, very shy, major people pleaser and quite stupid). When it was time to say goodbye, he grabbed and kissed me. Unfortunately, I did reciprocate for a few seconds, but then pulled back reminding both him and myself that I had a boyfriend. He apologized, we parted ways and ghosted each other.

I told my boyfriend what had happened, he was not pleased but appreciated the honesty, so we stayed together. Naturally, that caused some turmoil in our relationship as well as trust issues, but I was too immature and self-centered to see it for what it was and make the appropriate things to fix it. About a year later, that same guy reappeared in my life when he called me under some stupid pretense. Instead of cutting him off or blocking him, I started talking with him on the phone and texting, letting him back in my life, in our lives, although I didn't tell my boyfriend that, thinking that "it's just friendly talks/chats, I don't intend to do anything with the guy, I love my boyfriend", and that to my book was ok. 18 years later and after therapy and a lot of self introspect, I've come to realize I was basically after the validation I was getting from the guy.

During the same time, I started writing in an online forum answering mainly under "fun" relationship posts, only the protagonist in my answers was the other guy, not my boyfriend. A few months later, that same guy asked me to go out with him for a drink and after my failed attempts to say no, that night ended in me being sexually assaulted by him, which I didn't process as such at the time since when he came at me I froze, so I didn't say no and I didn't fight. That made me believe that since I got myself into that situation and I didn't resist, deep inside I must have wanted it, which made me spiral into depression because of all the shame and guilt as I didn't have the guts to tell my boyfriend out of fear of losing him.

Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend. During that time, he found the forum I was writing to and my posts and he confronted me about it. After our break up I started going out with every person I could think of as long as I wasn't left alone with my thoughts (extreme opposite of my character) but he worst thing of all is I went out with that guy, as well, for about 8 more times. Me and my boyfriend got back together after about 3 months and we have been together ever since. Although I hadn't told him the truth, his gut instinct told him there was something wrong and after many long talks, I gave him only half the truth as I didn't tell him I had cheated on him. He kept asking and I kept denying, avoiding myself, the truth and taking accountability, so much so that after about 3 years, I had accepted my half truth as my own reality and managed to completely suppress anything that differed from what I had told him. In the meantime, we moved in together and eventually started a family and got married.

After a traumatic event about a year ago, which was my fault (unrelated to infidelity) while I was severely depressed (albeit undiagnosed), the open wound from my past cheating resurfaced and my husband insisted we addressed it once and for all and that's when we realized I had forgotten many things (first and foremost the sexual assault, but also things I had told him had happened or even things that had happened between us) from that time period. Remembering was a very tedious procedure and to this day, there are some details still missing although we have almost completed the "puzzle" of what had happened back then and the relevant timeline.

I have accepted full responsibility for my devastating choices and I know I acted utterly selfish thinking only about myself and not him, causing him extreme distress and traumatizing him. I have been working very hard on myself and to figure out why any of this happened as well as give him the answers that are very long overdue. I have read in other posts here that by working on yourselves you managed to be able to help your partners heal as well from your infidelity and I so desperately want to do the same. I want to finally give him what I should have given him 18 years ago. The truth about what happened and then help him heal from it in any way I can, whether he chooses to remain in this relationship or not. How did you do it? How did you manage to help your partners heal from the devastating heartbreak you caused them? How did you manage to regain their trust and build your marriage anew, from scratch? Any insight/advice would be very much appreciated.

11 comments posted: Friday, September 6th, 2024