My Ted talk

Hi, I would like to first thank this site and this particular forum as reading the stories, responses and most especially the pinned topics of the wayward’s side and maia’s survival guide have literally helped me through this dark phase in my life, as, I am certain, they have many others. I hope you do not mind if I offload my story and ask for some further guidance.

I am a 33F who has been married for 5 years to my first then boyfriend, BS 34M. We met through a dating app back when it was still new. We do not have kids yet although trying to conceive and have been to the fertility clinic. Our relationship is very comfortable - we are like best friends who like the same things, have the same group of friends, adulting and trying to build our life together. There have been recent instances wherein he would get mad at me for petty reasons (such as rolling my eyes or telling him off for playing too much with his mobile game). At times, I understand that it is my fault - such as the time when we were prepping the food for his birthday and I nagged him to help me prep first before concentrating on his game - it was his birthday and I should have given him a break. Also, I find we do things differently- I prefer to do things quickly so I can erase it from my to do list and rest, while he is someone who takes his sweet time but does things mote correctly. I get that we are different and that we have different love languages too.

Before getting married, we were on a long distance relationship for 4 years. We only physically saw each other once a year for a month - one of us would visit the other. He has been so kind as well as to visit my mother too when I was away. We would video chat and talk almost everyday. As I have a reputation of being a good girl, he trusted me wholeheartedly. I also had faith that he would only have eyes for me. I had a very cynical outlook on life then and did not think we would end up together as I did not believe in marriage, etc. I value our independence and privacy, but one time had an inkling to log in to his socmed - I saw that he was chatting to this girl whom he met via Tinder. I confronted him about this and the fact that he has a dating app. He said he was just looking for friends and that girl was just a friend. To be fair, their messages seem platonic. However, being jaded, it was always at the back of my mind. I also remembered how good I was with banters, getting someone to talk, and handling conversations with weird and rude men on the app. So I downloaded an anonymous chat app - it was not to really date other people but to talk to others. I am aware of the thousands of catfishes and monsters in there so I did not take it seriously. I met a guy though who seem so genuine. He initially said he was 29 but he was way older when he sent me his photo. I called him off on it and he admitted that he was reluctant to share his age as it might scare me off. But as we were just friends, we started chatting and instantly had a connection. It was like there was no age or generational gap at all. There was also the matter of culture as we were from different ones - we transcended. So we chatted almost everyday for 5 months until we finally met up. We had dinner and drinks and I was so conscious of people seeing us so we went to his hotel room to supposedly continue drinking and hang out, but ended up doing more than that. I woke up the next day and he had not slept a wink as ‘he did not want to miss any of it’. We spent a whole day just driving and sitting by the beach. He went home after that and sent me a farewell message. He was crying for hours while driving as he thought I was so out of his league that I would not want to see him again, and that he has already fallen for me. I suppose I have an issue with validation? He is married with kids who are both grown up, and is admitted to be lonely as his wife has become asexual.

Our relationship lasted for a while, with him driving 6-7 hours just to stay for 1-2 nights. We were able to have some out of town trips and 1 international trip. He works as a fisherman so he has an excuse to be away for a while.

Anyway, this was always alongside having a long distance relationship with BS. I was always able to compartmentalise in my head these two lives I was living. Honestly, I know I fell in love with AP - he has a dad bod, disabled and 20 years older than I am, but he gets me. I am not sure if I just romanticized everything, but I am certain that we have not spent enough time physically together to know whether we would be able to actually stay together for a long time. Even with my BS, so many things surprised me when we actually lived together everyday.

So when BS proposed to get married years ago, I initially broke his heart and said no. I was so confused that time, not that I had any qualms of AP and me spending eternity together (I know these are wayward ways, but we both know we have a duty to those we love and would not want to hurt them and be actual home wreckers, and I would not want to be hidden forever), but whether I should explore more. He went home that time and we were broken up for a while. With our relationship ended, I realized what I have lost. He is a good person who has very pure intentions with me. He also understands my weird tendencies and accepts them. I once wanted to learn how to play ukelele and he bought me one when we were still physically together, but because I could not bring it with me, he kept it and learned how to play so he can sing songs for me. Then he moved on to guitar and was even considering learning how to play the violin but life reminded him he has bills to pay. He is someone who achieves anything he sets his mind to. I remembered when I met him he had poor grammar, but now has better business writing skills than I do. Even though (at the time of his proposal) I did not want kids, he was cool with that. He would sleep early and wake up at 4AM so we can chat - had 7/8 hour time difference when we were on a long distance relationship. And to top it all off, he was willing to move to where I am so we can be together. So we got married and I ended things with AP. However he asked if we can still remain as friends and just update on each other’s lives as he is still rooting for me to be successful in life, etc. and as I still cared and would want to know how he is, we kept in touch. Although at times it would be about how we missed each other, it never became sexual until one night.

A month ago BS and I had a fight and I did not know why he got mad at me, and he would not talk about it. I am someone though who likes to talk it out and not sleep mad. He, on the other hand, likes to sleep it off. So he went upstairs and I was left alone. I remembered that AP messaged me weeks ago, but I have not replied yet. Seeking someone to talk to, I messaged him on this app he asked us to use a few weeks ago - session. It was supposed to be discreet. I called him on WA and we talked for a good 30 minutes just about his issues which I’d like to think I helped him with. Then we continues messaging and I ended up telling him about my fight with BS. He understood me and thought we fight so often, but should talk it out. Then we started talking about the past and one thing led to another - photos/videos were sent. I forgot a out my fight with BS for a while. I had a boost of dopamine. Then BS went down to talk but it became nasty again and we ended up not sleeping in the same bed.

The next day we became okay, and he borrowed my phone to grab some photos I took of him for work. Unbeknownst to me, he checked my WA, archive and saw the messages between me and AP. He found out about the supposedly discreet app which has the photos and details of our relationship- including trips, and some intimate details. This crushed him. He gave up smoking when we were dating, but started smoking again whenever he sees the imagined images in his mind. He said he was so numb, and funnily enough, so was I. It was a very dark time indeed. I knew he thought he was not enough and that he lacked something. I tried to tell him that it was all my fault, I take full responsibility. I told him he needed to talk to someone and asked our neighbour (the male one) to help BS when he gets home from work. I could not believe that I have done the one thing BS told me he would not forgive.

He even told me I gave him a peace of mind he could not find with his other relationships before. What a witch I truly am.

I took an overdose of my hypertensive medications that same day. I also had a bit to drink and a lot to eat. I wrote some emails and letters, and tried to tidy up my affairs as much as I could. Our neighbour (the female one) checked up on me and while we were chatting she noticed the medication on my nightstand and put two and two together. She took me to the hospital where I stayed for about a week. I am now recovering both physically and mentally. I’ve finally started my CBT but they are much focused on me refocusing my thoughts than exploring why I have done these things. I have also pushed BS to go on therapy and open up. I encourage to talk sometimes, but he does not really want to as he does not want to bring back the images in his head. I totally get the rollercoaster of emotions mentioned in one of the pinned posts - he would sometimes be like we are okay, but would suddenly get mad at me. He would want sex as long as we do not kiss. He sometimes think I am still a good person despite it all, but most of the time thinks I am the witch from the east. We sometimes sleep on the same bed, but tonight I am on the couch. He also keeps saying that he wants to take control of his life. He said he wanted to go on a trip and so he is going to Iceland next week to explore and meet one of the friends he made in his mobile game. After some prompting, he finally admitted that she’s someone who admires him. At first I got jealous, but now I am encouraging him to explore as I do believe he deserves better than me, and also, she is good for his self esteem. I did tell him not to lead the girl on if he does not think it will work out, but it would be good to get to know her.

I was clear to BS that I want to fix our marriage, but we would need to be healed individually first. Exploring and finding oneself would be beneficial, and if at the end he realises he is better off without me, I would understand. I honestly hope I would understand, but I am all for helping him heal and fix what I have broken in him.

Am I doing the right things? Is there anything else that I need to do to help him?

One of the things written in the pinned posts about ‘woe is me’ woke me up. I am suffering from severe depression and have been off work for a while. There are days where I just cannot get out of bed, and will just cry. However, now when I have these thoughts or even suicidal ideations, I would think that this will not help him. I have to get up and help him or else it will be about me again. This will prompt me to cook, or even vacuum. I am still quite withdrawn and have no energy to do anything further, but I find these little steps help.

0 comment posted: Thursday, November 21st, 2024