WS Not Respecting My Boundaries
In early August of this year, I discovered the affair my WS was having with the AP. We have been married almost 35 years and I counted the AP as one of my very closest friends for even longer.
We are set to begin marriage therapy sometime in January. I set a mental health boundary and that is that we don't talk about anything emotional until the marriage counseling process begins. In the meantime, I would be seeking a new therapist who can start trauma therapy with me (via EMDR) at least before we start doing the relationship work. The affair has caused PTSD and when we have tried to talk about it, I only get triggered repeatedly (especially when she tries to rationalize, etc. the affair), which stirs up trauma repeatedly into a downward spiral.
Her response is to tell me that she will respect that boundary, yet qualifies it with, "I just want to make sure you know that you are taking the lead. I want to take the lead, and it is affecting me on several levels not to, including grief, sadness, and anger."
THIS IS MY VENT (keeping it to myself for now). I would love any support. Thank you!
I am the survivor of an affair that you chose to have with one of my very closest friends, and he chose to have with you.
(She thinks it's somehow better that the two of them had an affair vs. some random guy, but that's another issue!)
I only found out about it late last summer. That has not been very long ago, especially when it comes to emotional time! Your actions created consequences, including traumatizing me. Once again, now that I have found a therapist, my priority continues to be my mental health. I am not going to take the risk of being triggered by things that you have said and most likely will say if you try to engage with me. (After all, you are including anger in the emotions you are listing).
So, please, take the lead you need to. Keep talking with your friends and therapist, whatever it takes. I want to reiterate and make it clear that you are not welcome to interfere with me taking my lead and taking care of myself! Once again, I am going to meet with the therapist and work on integrating the trauma that is stuck in my body. Then, we can start doing the work with the new MFT.
6 comments posted: Saturday, December 21st, 2024
