Regretful and Confused

I am a WP and am ashamed I need to post this, but I want to document my story and confront it. And hopefully find some help in understanding how to move forward. Although my situation didn't involve a marriage, my actions are comparable to me as an affair and utter betrayal.

When I was going through a potential divorce with my ex-husband I began talking to a friend, who will eventually become the AP. Having gone through a mostly sex-less marriage and feeling alone while dealing with it, I leaned on the friend. We shared intimate details and my lust and desire for sex had only grown. Eventually we had planned to meet up for a weekend and do just that, but due to scheduling conflicts it was still months out.

Shortly after the plans were booked, I began talking to another man, who became the BP. He saw me in ways that no one else had. He lifted me up and believed in me when no one else had. And I fell for him hard and fast, which terrified me.

I didn't tell either man about each other for a while and continued talking to both of them, because the attention was like a drug to me. Eventually they found out about each other and rather than ending things with one of them, I continued to pit them against each other. Essentially playing with their emotions and their feelings. As time drew closer to the scheduled weekend with the AP, I began pushing the BP away and was cruel with how I treated him and the words that I said. Despite him pleading me not to go, I went anyway.

The trip lasted 4 days, though it wasn't all just sex. After it was over, I didn't have contact with the BP for a month because I felt the guilt and the regret almost immediately, but I didn't know how to face him. Eventually I did reach out though and it went about as bad as can be expected, though he was talking to me. When confronted about the trip, I was defensive and although I felt for him, I was still deep in my shame spiral and couldn't be there for him the way he needed.

Eventually, I found out that he had started talking with one of my friends. And that absolutely tore me apart because I had deep feelings for him, which have since developed into love. She told me that sometimes they talked for hours and once even had a very hot "make up session" after fighting about me.

The AP was flying into my city for work and I agreed to see him, though I didn't tell the BP about it. We had lunch and did some fun "date" type stuff around the city just trying to have a good time. Though it worked some of the time, I cried a lot about the BP and the whole situation in front of him and he was always on my mind. Eventually I took him to his hotel and had a migraine from all of the crying so I decided to stay rather than drive home. I was in the bed next to him naked, and the AP tried to make a move, but I pushed him away and said no. He rolled over and went to sleep while I stayed there in bed crying most of that night.

The BP and I began talking on a regular basis and I cut off all contact with the AP because I realized he was never who I wanted, that I had truly fallen for the BP. I have come clean to him about the initial betrayal as well as the hotel night with the AP. Details of the betrayal come up often with him, talking about the intimate moments and the subsequent seeing the AP again while I was hurting from his connection with my friend.

Long story short: We recently got into a huge fight where he said "You've done absolutely nothing to help sway me, calm me, make me feel better about the fact that you went to bang some guy for 4 days and then later decided two months ago to get naked in his hotel room...while you're claiming to cry for me...tired of fucking hearing it. Why do I have to pay the price for your choices?"

And I'm lost. I've completely accepted responsibility for my choices, and have been doing the work to understand my 'whys' and reading up on infidelity. I truly feel for him and validate his feelings constantly because I can completely see where he is coming from. But how am I supposed to make him feel better about me sleeping with someone else? Is it even possible? How do I better support him?

3 comments posted: Thursday, December 19th, 2024