Similar to others stories, but with depression mixed in

So the background to my story is a little different... 

My wife has been going through a mid life crisis for about 18 months' now, on top of the depression which she's always suffered from. She's been stuck in a rut and doesnt know where / how to take her life. She openly admits that she has everything that a woman could realistically want - I earn pretty darn well, no pressure for her to work, 2 healthy kids, big house, lots of holidays etc. But she since finished her phd in March 2024, apart from a few months around the end of last year and into 2025, she's been in this mid life crisis. Her depression is severe enough that she can't hold down a job, but is trying to do freelance historian work now, though delivering on some of that is difficult as she lacks of the motivation. She also suffers from migraines and needs huge amounts of sleeps and gets stuck in a tiredness < >migraine < > depression doom loop.

So on to the purpose of this site: I saw that she'd accidentally left WhatsApp open on her laptop yesterday when she went out and I saw a locked chat but the chat was open. I wasn't expecting to see anything regarding an affair, but was more looking because of her state of mind with her mid life crisis. There were various things in the chat with another man (a former colleague of hers) with lots of kisses, 'night gorgeous xxxxxxx', comments about her wanting her monthly fix with the other guy etc etc and something about bodies being next to each other (can't quite remember what). The other guy lives a couple hours away so I know its not day to day (seeing each other that is) though from the WA messages, the chat is very frequent. The messages were kind of more chatty / friendly / flirty aside from the bits above and there was nothing there about leaving their spouses etc, but clearly something is happening, even if infrequent and I don't know how long for 

Given her depression and this mid-life crisis, I think the motivation for the affair is mainly about bringing some excitement / newness into life. As I said above, she's been stuck in a rut and can believe she rationalised tis might be a way of breaking ou of it. She's also spoken of moving out before, though then realised that however far you run, you can't outrun depression. She's quite a reserved person, not someone with a massive sex drive and has never been sexually adventurous. Prior to this, she's always known right from wrong and lives her life in a proper way. She's quite traditional in that sense and we've brought the kids up to know that (I think she'd hate to think that the kids might know that Mum had an affair). She doesn't view herself as attractive and not massively happy with her body. She quite introverted and finds social occassions difficult. This guy had previously hit on her when thye worked together 15 yrs ago and she was appalled by that, however given her lack of ease with meeting people, he was probably an easy outlet.

I'd like to find a way of this ending and us working out anything wrong with our marriage, as well as obviously the more urgent problem of her solving the mid life crisis. With that goal in mind, I'm weighing up a few options for dealing with it and appreciate any views on them:

1. anonymously tipping of the spouse of the other person after getting a private investigator to find contact details. I've read online that 50%-70% of the time this results in the person staying and agreeing to behave. The downside with this is that if he moves out or is kicked out, it could then provide an easier avenue for my wife to move out too. I was about to write that that is a risk, but I guess if that was what she wanted, at least financially I wouldnt be paying spousal allowances etc

2. similar to 1, but getting the PI to speak to the other person and offer not to tell the spouse (and thereby impact his kids) if he ends all contact there and then. I like this route given that, in his shoes, I'd see a lot of downside from not complying and probably limited upside from not complying - assuming what I read was right and it's quite casual with no seeming plans to move in together etc. If this goes well, it has the potential to avoid two sets of children being impacted which has to be a big upside. It might also mean that I don't have to have the big conversation with my wife which, given her mental state, might be a good thing.

3. Confronting my wife. I'm erring away from this given my wife's depressed state. The risk which I see is that a depressed person can make quick, ill-informed decisions when pressed. Therefore I feel there's more of a chance with this that she runs even though she might not, when thinking rationally, think that this is the right thing to do.

4. waiting for it to fizzle out. Upside with this is that it avoids confrontation however I don't like this given that, unless she gets racked with guilt (and I could imagine the lying is chewing her up inside), its open-ended particularly given the relatively infrequent time they see each other.

I'd welcome any views on the best way forward given my goals.

Has anyone tried options 1 and 2 as a means to ending things?
Has anyone tried the fizzle out option and how long did it take?
Does anyone have any stats on how often this sort of fling can develop into something more, or how long it might run for?

One addition: I'm going to try to get her to see a counsellor this week for her mid-life crisis / depression. Its possible that that could bring this into the open, though I'm thinking that if its via a counselling, then the advisor would ask her why she did it, how it made her feel, how she thought it would make me feel etc...and those sort of questions might lead her to realising she's behaving inappropriately.

Any help appreciated!!
Thanks!

Adam

11 comments posted: Sunday, September 14th, 2025