Urge to break NC

Been struggling with some really heavy emotions lately. Anxiety, depression, obsessions, passive suicidal ideation, the works. I haven’t been taking my medication consistently, so I’m sure that isn’t helping.

My BH suggested I attend a sex-positive, LGBTQ-centered open event in the city last weekend, which I thought was…interesting. I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to get me out of the house to cheer me up, or if it was a test of some sort. But honestly for much of it, I either wished he was there with me, or couldn’t wait to get home to go to bed with him.

However, on the return trip, a song came on that I listened to a lot during the A. I was hit with an overwhelming wave of those heavy emotions, and as I pulled into my driveway, I had the urge to call xAP for comfort, even though I haven’t spoken to him since DDay many months ago. My husband does his best to comfort me when I feel this way, and he’s an absolute angel when it comes to supporting me through depression periods. But I just feel like maybe xAP would get it more, being a person who struggles with much of the same things, and that I would feel less guilty for burdening him with my feelings. There is also a limited number of people I can talk to about my suicidal ideation without being involuntarily committed…I shut those thoughts down right away and did NOT break NC, thankfully. I feel disgust for that man and want nothing to do with him anymore, no matter how much of a safe space he could provide. But the sudden urge in a time of weakness was kind of scary, and I’m still pondering it.

Have any other WS experienced recurring urges like this? What did you do about them?

For those BS reading, would you want your WS to tell you if they were having these urges, or just keep that to themselves as long as they don’t act on them?

Thanks in advance.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, January 7th, 2026