Contrite, seeking advice.

A shameful betrayal

I have just ruined a 12 year relationship. I cheated on my partner six years ago with a one night stand and confessed to it immediately. It broke my partner’s heart but she learned to forgive me and I was the partner I was before and after the incident, and should have always been.

Our relationship recovered and was full except that our sex life was non existent. It was never very frequent apart from the first 3/4 years but it really tailed off after 4/5 years. Once in six months was the worst, but generally it was once every three months or less frequent. I’m M34 and she is 38.

The lack of sex caused me a lot of issues, I have a high libido and was frequently masturbating which was a poor substitute for intimacy.

I brought the topic up with my partner about 1.5 and 1 years ago to try and improve things. She felt we were having enough sex, I did not. We were going to work on it but by that point I think I had compartmentalised sex and masturbation as something separate from intimacy with my partner. She didn’t agree to counselling and we weren’t able to change. Everything else in our relationship was perfect.

I started going for lengthy massages in dodgy place with topless women, the sort of places you could pay for more. I would get a massage and masturbate, I obviously got caught out in the end. I don’t expect reconciliation is possible from such a humiliating act.

I scarcely believe the person I have become, I am ashamed. I know this is me focussed but it feels like a me problem.

I have broken both our hearts, I have destroyed a gentle soul and lost the love of my life. We had such a good time.

I’m going to see a therapist for sex addiction, sexism and relationships. I obviously have problematic behaviours and I need to correct them. I’m contrite and in the depths of despair.

Would prefer helpful advice but I’ll get what I get.

2 comments posted: Sunday, October 25th, 2026