SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is crazy as it reminds me of a poem I wrote a week from DDay. It’s universal.

Learned some new things about the WWs primary AP. This seemed an appropriate place to put it. Turns out he was having multiple affairs on his exwife, while she was struggling with cancer. Real prize. I don’t think my WW knows this about him, I found out through some FB looking (one of his kids posted something snarky). What a turd.

Thank you for this. Something i needed to hear right now. we are married 16 years, together 20. He didnt confess, i found out in pieces over 5 months. He lied along the way, omitted along the way. The pain also comes from the many naked pics they shared, selfies and more. He looks so proud and arrogant. I dont get it. The pain is incredible.

Thank you for this. I am a BS. Something i needed to hear right now. we are married 16 years, together 20. He didnt confess, i found out in pieces over the past 5 months. The most recent tonight. He lied along the way, omitted along the way. The pain also comes from the many naked pics they shared, selfies and more. He looks so proud and arrogant. I dont get it. The pain is incredible.

Thank you for this.

This thread has a little pick-me-up flavor to it for me as well, appreciation for the OP.

Sorry to hear about your pain and that you have to be here. Did something about this thread of "they always affair down.." hit home for you?

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I think when you decide to lie, cheat and hurt your spouuse; you're being the worst possible version of who you are.

Whoever is attracted to that is probably a scummy person.

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I’ve struggled with this because in many ways my husband didn’t affair down. His affair partner is more successful, makes more money, is more interesting/intriguing than me. She’s a little older than me and not necessarily more attractive, but has enough physical attributes I don’t to bring out my insecurities. She was more romantically expressive than me (I’m reserved). I will say that from what I can tell, I am more stable/less neurotic than she is. And I don’t cheat on my spouse and f#%* other people’s husbands, so there’s that.

We are together and working things out, and I deal with the insecurity by telling myself he knows who I am after 22years, and he can take me or leave me. I’m going to be the best person I can. I’m a hard worker, I’m kind, I’m reliable, I’m creative, I’m active, I have wide-ranging interests. I have empathy. I’m not stupid or mean or ugly. I’m the mother of his kids, I love and am close to his family, and I’ve been an active participant in helping him build a pretty good life. We have good sex. There are plenty of people out there better than me; he can go find one of them or go back to his affair partner if he wants. My goal is to not let him determine my self worth anymore and to be the best version of me I can. I haven’t reached that goal, but I’m closer than I was a year ago.

I’ve struggled with this because in many ways my husband didn’t affair down. His affair partner is more successful, makes more money, is more interesting/intriguing than me. She’s a little older than me and not necessarily more attractive, but has enough physical attributes I don’t to bring out my insecurities. She was more romantically expressive than me (I’m reserved).

Please read what you wrote again Dear Lady . I'll give you MY take on it!

More successful. At what? Spreading her legs? Being a sloppy second? Success can be defined in many ways. Raising our children to become unselfish adults...bringing out the BEST in everyone we meet...and being able to lay down at night knowing that we have not harmed anyone are measures of success as well. These are things NO cheater could ever accomplish.

Makes more money. More money doesn't make a turd NOT be a turd.

More interesting/intriguing. She is a member of the cheaters club. They follow a handbook...and they are VERY predictable. There is NOTHING interesting or intriguing about cheaters.

More romantically expressive. She learned to feed off of what was dished out to her.

There are several other "attributes" that cheaters have that you forgot to mention...so let me help you out . She is selfish, a liar, manipulator, weak, and is so broken that she thinks she deserves to be "less than".

Now...lets go with who YOU are!!

I’m a hard worker. You EARNED everything you've gotten...no compromises on your integrity !

I’m kind. What a GIFT this is to whoever comes your way .

I’m reliable. Don't discount this. People KNOW they can count on you...another GIFT !

I’m creative. As someone who is NOT this way...you are already MORE interesting/intriguing !

I’m active. You are a person on the GO...how exciting is this??!!

I have wide-ranging interests. Sounds AWESOME!!! I bet NONE of them are soul destroying either .

I have empathy. Another GIFT that is hard to come by for selfish people like cheaters.

I’m not stupid or mean or ugly. NO ONE with integrity ever is .

I’m the mother of his kids Thank GOD they have YOU as their ROCK .

I love and am close to his family. I can believe that with all of the other attributes you have!

I’ve been an active participant in helping him build a pretty good life. What an UNSELFISH person you are !!

We have good sex. It is made GOOD because of the way you EACH GIVE to the other . That should never be discounted either.

You are still reeling from having your world as you know it be destroyed . It is hard to see just how MUCH he affaired DOWN right now. But you WILL . NO cheater can compare with an unselfish and giving person...and when you see this...you will KNOW you are healing .

Want to be happy, you brought me to tears. I saw your post on my lunch break, and it meant a lot. Thank you for your kindness.

I really appreciate the perspectives on this thread.

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Been triggered by knowledge of an affair, unfortunately do not know names, but the guilty parties are QLD paramedics (BS is not) and they use their ambulance as a personal fuck pad while on duty and in my country there is a crisis of ambulance shortages so knowing there is one parked and used as a hotel, and for long periods of time, while on duty is so triggering...

Anyway , the point

The single OW is 24, the BS & WH are in their early 50s with two grown kids over 18. The OW posted that she couldn’t help it and stalked BS and was disappointed to see a old fat woman, that since she (OW) is thin and "takes care of herself" (aka lip fillers, hair and eyelash extensions ) she would have thought the BS was sexy too and was disappointed in WH... whatever OW logic that is.

But here is the thing, on the same day she trash posted about BS she posted about her drug habits, about how easy it is for her to score it for free, then bragged about how easy it was to score a free bag and "all she had to do" was let a random dealer have her in the ass (unprotected) outside of McDonald’s one afternoon There was more trash that just opened my eyes up that this person is beyond a garbage human (& no WH doesn’t know OW sleeps around on him.) She is a mess and not the brightest because she believes all the typical WH lies told yet hasn’t connected the dots that if he is so neglected why oh why is he so stressed out about being found out etc etc blah blah next chapter cheater’s handbook.

So they may be thinner or be younger or paid to get alterations but that is only superficial wrapping around something very very ugly and rotten. Don’t judge the book by the cover also applies with APs.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 2:42 AM, Friday, December 31st]

This is a great bump for the new members. It reminds me of when my WW told me "I’m sorry, I know I screwed up." My response" No honey you definitely screwed down".

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Thanks for bumping this. When I found out, I already knew that he affaired down. No sane woman who is morally upright would go for such a pathetic loser who is going around complaining about how sad his marriage life was. Broken people are attracted to each other, period. And because they both also have very questionable morals and no conscience about hurting each other's spouses, honestly they deserve each other. Both are pathetic.

I found out 2 years later after it ended. I am still considering my options but if I were to head down the D route, I will be sure to do my civic duty and personally speak to the OBS. He deserves to know as he is in the same boat.

Finally ready to post on this thread. It took 3 1/2 years to achieve indifference about his AP. No hatred. Just meh. She's a poor excuse for a human being, but pfft. This feels great, BTW. I spent a lot of mental energy on her, which in hindsight was necessary to process the spectacle of H's A. Visit https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=654679&AP=1&HL=78439#mid8689322 for a therapeutic sample. Feels like I'm finally healing. There's light at the end of the infidelity tunnel! Have hope folks. If I can get here you can too. Give it time.

I've thought a lot about the affairing down conundrum. It takes two to affair down. I’m not demonizing or blaming her exclusively. Husband is no innocent lamb. He has agency. At each fork in the road he chose the route that led straight to her bed. He used her as a human ego kibble dispenser, which doesn't speak well to HIS character. Oh, and he lied and cheated. Yup, he's got some major character weaknesses. Which he's addressing. No rug sweeping in our house! But her....now there's a shitty person. Who methodically set out to destroy my decades long marriage. Even putting aside character, she doesn't measure up to me in so many ways:

She's a scrawny, dowdy grandma type. I'm no spring chicken, but grandma type I ain't.

She graduated high school. I have a BA and an MA.

She works several crummy low paying jobs to make ends meet. I worked in a well paid "helping" career where I've positively influenced hundreds of lives.

She's been married and divorced a few times, her online judicial records document all kinds of financial shenanigans. I'm no saint, but my relationship track record - and credit score- are both impeccable.

She recruited her young adult daughter as affair accomplice. Further proof of her self-serving philosophy. World's Greatest Mom she's not. I've been a good parent who raised a wonderful, compassionate D. We have a rock solid relationship, but I've never treated D as my intimate confidante. And I did my best to set an example D respects.

So why her? Superficially, the A didn't make sense; she's nothing like me. But when I thought about it, I understood it would make less sense for him to betray with another version of me...he's got the original me. And a gal like me wouldn't screw a married man. Wouldn't try to poach another woman's husband. Why her? Bottom line, she made him feel good while stroking his ego. She fed his entitlement. It didn’t matter what she looked like or how poor her character was. It was all about the ego kibble, not the person dispensing it. Her ego kibble flavor was especially potent because she was a high school GF who knew H when he was young. What better false mirror of his former self could an unhappy geezer gaze into than an old HS girl friend?

He wasn't looking for sex - at first. That came later. After stepping over multiple boundaries during the texting EA to reach the PA threshold, what was one more step? He'd spent months in EA la la land convincing himself he was entitled to it - while she fawned over him dangling no-strings sex. Made him feel like the boss. In the real world he was merely a selfish person with poor boundaries and poor coping skills in it for the ego boosting dopamine. It wasn't love, or regard, or even sexual attraction that motivated the A. For either of them. For him, the goal was filling up his self esteem tank with her attention. For her - I believe she saw something she wanted. A mostly good (cough cough) man, mostly good husband/father/provider - with a healthy nest egg ($$$). She tenaciously pursued him using the best weapons in her limited arsenal…time, attention, fake familiarity, flattery. And easy (mediocre) sex in her no reservations (no $$$) required home. She was a cheap date . BTW, the hidden agenda behind no-strings sex (entrapment) would've been revealed when she pulled the inevitable bait-and-switch. HER: "I couldn't help it. I fell in love with you - feels like it's 1975 junior prom all over again!" (dim lights, cue Elvin Bishop "Fooled Around and Fell in Love" slow dance, spin disco mirror ball)

He didn't seek an AP who was younger, smarter, prettier, more successful, or better in the sack than I. Just the opposite. He found someone broken. And convenient. Someone who shoe-horned herself into his life after fishing him on FaceBook 43 years later. There's nothing special about her. Pfft! I'll end with a remark excerpted from Want2BHappyAgain's lovely pep talk several posts back. Her statement rings so true. It took TIME and forgiveness of myself to internalize the message. Any newbies out there please take this to heart:

You are still reeling from having your world as you know it be destroyed. It is hard to see just how MUCH he affaired DOWN right now. But you WILL. NO cheater can compare with an unselfish and giving person...and when you see this...you will KNOW you are healing .

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 11:09 PM, Monday, March 21st]

bump for newbies

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