SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm starting to realize that STBX and OW were gaslighting me during their affair, but I'm still working out all of the various ways they played me. I know that I felt everything about them was "off" and I was getting all these weird mixed messages. Is there a good book or article that describes the different ways people gaslight and deceive?

And all that blameshifting and minimizing stuff, too. I was really confused for a while. I still don't know the full extent of the affair and I never will because I'm not sure STBX is able or willing to examine his behaviour, much less tell me about it. Plus, I'm done with him except as a co-parent.

Try checking out the book "The Gaslight Effect" by Dr. Robin Stern.

I just found this article yesterday.... It is really good, if you prefer an in depth look at psychology and personality disorders... I don't think we are supposed to post links so the website is notyourplaything and the article is Ambient abuse: gaslight effect and the diabolical personality Let us know what you think.

[This message edited by TS68 at 6:21 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

Thanks for the book and article suggestions. The book appears to be out of print, but I can get it on my Kobo device.

I liked the list of types of gaslighting from the article. My STBX certainly used a number of them, although I'm still figuring out how much. It's so insidious, making me doubt things from the inside out.

Here are the types of gaslighting identified in the article:

◾Deny existence of an event even when presented with evidence (Denial);

◾Deliberately block their victims from source data (Compartmentalizing);

◾Deny behaviors by immediately putting their targets on the defensive (Deflection);

◾Insist that their targets are imagining things (Chronic Invalidation);

◾Shame their targets for expressing very real hurts (Minimization);

◾Insist that others are the source of their poor choices (Blaming);

◾Mentally abuse their targets with criticism veiled as “advice” (Depreciation);

◾(Usually) must have the last word (again, Chronic Invalidation);

◾Force agreement by their targets to accept their false reality (Domination);

◾Engage in gossip in order to hurt and control their targets (Humiliation);

◾Has the ability to “sell ice to an Eskimo” meaning that they are persistent and manipulative enough to convince someone to invest in something that they could receive for free (Insincerity).

At first, I thought that he didn't do those, but I really have to go through them one at a time to see. He was really passive, but he would, for example, suggest I go to a book club. I love books, so I thought it was a great idea. Only upon arrival do I discover that the book they are reading (More Than Two) is about polyamory and the book club wasn't the kind that would accept criticism of the whole concept.