Jellygirl, I have a few things to offer also.
Looking back upon when you first met and/or were dating your socio/psychopath Xs, were there any red flags you
Oh yes! Hindsight has never been clearer. I had also recently been through a very difficult time. I was lonely and he was so empathic, so very understanding. He had also been through something similar, or so he said, now I know it was a lie. I really felt he got my struggle. I was doing what was right but it was breaking my heart. He told stories of how he had been betrayed, hurt but in reality it was he that had been the perpetrator, I just did not know.
He was living in this awful place, think flophouse. First though before I knew, he brought me to his parents, his brothers house, all of this "normal". When I saw where he lived and connected it with his sad story I thought, he deserves better, that could be me! I empathized to the nth degree. I wanted to help him, I wanted to ease his pain. I saw him through my eyes.
It is still so confusing for me. How could I possibly have done differently when everything was a lie?
I found him an apartment, helped him find furniture, set up a home.
My son was involved with drugs pretty badly. The reason for my painful decisions and actions. He was so understanding except that he was using methamphetamine! I did not know! He was so supportive of me and my "tough love".
For 2 years he treated me like I was the "love of his life". Oh yeah the soul mate crap, forever and a day, I am so grateful to have met you, on and on, I was the "ONE".
Until I wasn't, slowly I saw the rages over imaginary infractions on my part. I would always be blindsided by them. It never made sense and could never be resolved, round and round they would come back. In the beginning I would ask myself, "what have I done to make him think this of me?"
Think of that tale of the frog being slowly boiled. This man loves me so much, is so good to me, I have done something to cause this change.
I was also abused as a child, I confided in him. He would use this as a means of control. He would twist his cruelty and say that I was damaged, that is why I did things that enraged him, because I was damaged and couldn't help it.
Why did I stay? What about me attracted him? I have been reading lots about this. If your interested look for an article by Sandra Brown, Safe Relationships, "Her Super Traits" also on a blogtalk radio program. Holy crap, that is me. Too trusting, too compassionate, a fixer, seeing others based on who you are, too forgiving, too loyal. All good things but too much of it.
Now I know that I can feel empathy but I do not have to act on it. That can put me at risk. Trust given too easily is dangerous. So much more. I am still trying to learn.
It is a bit terrifying. I am afraid that knowing is not enough. I am afraid that I will fall into the same.