In a state of drunken madness I took the easy option
The depth of emotional sadness drew me to a pill concoction
Consumed by self pity, no thought of affecting others
I downed some bottles, mixed tablets galore then hid under the covers
But God had other plans, it was not my time to die
But left me hanging on long enough to ponder why?
I thought overdosing would kill me through and through
But instead I ended up with complications in I.C.U
Whilst I lay in an unconscious state, drips in my arm
My brain must have reprogrammed to keep me safe from harm
But needless to say a mum with a respirator and tubes everywhere
Is a sight no child needs to see, definitely not my pair
My family are so important, I acted selfishly
My darling children would never have recovered from this tragedy
And after reading here how much even strangers care
Concludes to me my inebriated actions were unfair
So, reframing my mind, once again I must pursue
A happy, life fulfilling future not in limbo feeling blue
Commit to my purpose, be the mother I always was
Fun, sparkly, loving, huggable, occasionally silly......just because :-)
And if God can see a reason for me to survive
My journey must continue not end in an obituary archive
I wished many a night for death to make mind movies end
The more I thought I could suppress I went even more around the bend
And now I see more clearly, my focus is anew
I will NOT let his actions define me....Suicide just won't do
I want to see my kids grow up, graduate, their first car, their first house
I one day want to meet who they adore, their future spouse
But witness these days together with my husband is my goal
He, the one I love, who loves me back will help me out this hole
My intentions were not to make him sad or feel endless guilt
Although he now sees how precious the life is we built
Remorseful and determined to prove himself to me
Simply put "we're salvageable" one day we will be free
But free by death, oh no.....by healing with time
I know now from powers above we really will be fine
And so too my children as long as I am here
Whether laugh or cry they will always have me near
It's time for me to start breathing on my own
Removing tubes from my airways in real life this has shown
At first you gasp, scared and confused by your surrounding
But each inhalation of new life has given me a grounding
I no longer internalise and feel all alone
I've had time to connect with God not just my internet or phone
He will guide me through now, I feel the power and love
Embracing my sorrow and shining light from above
So I can walk towards my bright future little by little
At points I may fall like a ten pin bowling skittle
But knowing his love will pull me back in line
I start to feel some peace....it really is sublime
I have new direction, new hope and a new life
My husband changing also and I'm his new wife
Our path will not be easy and emotions still run high
But on the path to forgiveness is what I try
Not just of his actions and the exclusivity we lost
But the consequences, my mental health, my life it nearly cost
I feel guilty in my weakness so need to boost self esteem
Remorseful for my selfish way...it's not who I should have been
So heal, forgive, love and find inner peace I will
For I could have ruined everyone's world, my children it would kill
Life isn't the fairytale we want, I realise this now
But happy endings can still exist we just must allow...
Time, time, time...how I despised this phrase at first
Hearing it so much made me want to burst
But even if you don't want to hear people say this at all
When your at your lowest point bashing against a wall
Remember these words that annoyed you so
Hour by hour, day by day a better life will flow.
And so on a final note I am here to say
Strong Gloomyfish survived and is here to stay
I thank you for your kindness, I have read every word
The support, love, strength and poetry have been heard
From the bottom of heart, it means more than you could know
With your advise, therapy, friends and H happiness WILL follow.
GF
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[This message edited by Gloomyfish77 at 1:54 AM, June 24th (Friday)]