Unconditional love was what I was taught growing up.
I have such difficulty with cd dependency.
It goes against my faith.
It sounds so much like tit for tat to me.
OK, if I am thinking tit-for-tat, to me that does mean I am expecting a return on what I do which in some cases is fine so long as the expectations are clearly defined. I work X hours; therefore I get paid/reward for such work
In an energy transfer I am not saying that I am unhealthy for simply giving my energy away when I am in abundance and overflowing, it's where do I put my reliance upon for a refill/re-charge?
Do I go to an eternal wellspring or am I solely focused on using my own limited resources or else taking from others to replenish?
To me it is in realizing I am responsible for my own choices like my own self-care. So I do what I need in a healthy way to feel happy. Go for a walk, swim, run, paint, have a coffee/tea with my (healthy) girlfriends or other fellowship, etc.
The point is I do not use people to get my fix in that I "need"...
I am not saying I don't feel good around people, but I don't depend on the outcome.
I give an extra-amount of tip because I want to extra-tip the waitress not because I am expecting a gushing "oh wow, thank you so much".
That dependence on an outside/other-ness to fill us from within is the co-D and the unhealthy as I see it.
Picture a hole in a bucket. Now try to fill the bucket with that hole. It cannot hold water until the hole is patched.
So until I recognize what I have is an internal problem that has to be fixed internally, it's just a energy drain/energy need cycle. Water/energy drains out the hole so where do I go to refill? Is this imagery making any sense?
That is the difference I think where we often can become dependent instead of conscious and loving, if I keep my focus on external "I need you to X" and the expectation is than like a covert contract. Or a case of doing a tit for tat "Ok, I did X now I expect you to appreciate that I did X and if you don't I'll hold that against you."
All humans are wired for connection, but the co-D with a counter-D or NPD or any other energy "vampire" lets label it, is where the imbalance comes in and a cycle can start.
I believe a marriage is best and healthy when you picture it like two whole circles that intersect and have that third shared (sacred) space. But it is not a problem for either partner to be a whole circle unto themselves.
The proverbial "better together" is like that old commercial mixing peanut butter and chocolate... it's a synergy where it's not a 1/2 plus a 1/2 to be a one = does that make sense? The two together are more than "one".
So yeah, in a healthy relationship I am OK to say it is an unconditional love as in the behavior is giving without a focus on controlling the outcome to get something in return. BUT both partners behave this way :-) so both partners at times in the dance are in the other focus because there is joy in giving for the sake of giving, like the good for goodness sake maxim.
And where there is mutual respect, consideration and honest communication than there are no hidden needs/wounds/agendas that can become a cancer to a relationship
So the faith part as I see it is recognizing that I am not God. I am human and have needs and I need to be responsible for speaking up and addressing those needs in a healthy way. At a spiritual core though I have all that I need because it is a deep and personal relationship with who/I AM and that reliance upon the wellspring that is beyond mere human effort and endeavor