Evolving - The sheer thickness of this book makes it seem like a daunting challenge (“War and Peace” anyone?) but actually, page count aside, it’s been a fascinating read so far. I see so much of my own situation reflected in the case study of Ralph, Rachel and Lara.
You have a committed family man with a solid moral foundation and a happy marriage who inexplicably allows himself to go down the rabbit hole. I completely identified with the frog and boiling water metaphor used to describe how things started innocently enough, but quickly spiraled out of control until Ralph found himself in boiling water. Glass writes about his commitment to his children and his integrity prior to the A. It’s amazing how Infidelity turns good, decent people into deceptive lowlifes.
Some things that jumped out to me:
“Sometimes people think they are on firmer moral ground if they deal primarily in lies of omission; however, the person who is betrayed rarely appreciates the subtleties.”
“unfaithful persons often say they are protecting their partners from pain, but they are really protecting themselves from exposure so they can continue to live the double life.”
“For some people, the way to resolve the internal conflict is to get caught. They may get careless or start leaving clues that would incriminate them.”
That last nugget kind of hits on where I was this summer. I was knee-deep in something I never thought I would do and felt stuck. The AP was single and knew I was happily M when she met me. As things progressed, she repeatedly asked me to leave and I wouldn’t budge. I had no interest in leaving my BW or girls. None. So I was stuck. To make things more complicated, the AP (who supposedly had a history of depression and suicide attempts) started hinting at suicide and/or blackmailing me w/ work. It was awful! I felt a deep sense of guilt and desire to get out of the rat maze, but I had no idea how to do it w/o destroying everything. Well, it all got destroyed anyway. You may ask why the threats were so scary...I handle media affairs for my agency. Can you imagine if an AP did take her life and left a note blaming the guy who is the spokesman for the agency dedicated to mental health and suicide prevention? Things were fatal attraction ugly.
Anyway, this book is great so far. Forces the reader to be introspective and analyze their own situation. Very insightful. The walls/windows analogy is brilliant and something I need as I seek learn about healthy boundaries and create a safe(r) environment for my BW.
Ps - I ordered the How to Support Your Spouse After Your Affair book yesterday....
ETA: This particular point struck a chord with me, because it's something I experienced and I've tried to share with my BW. This right here explains why strangers making comments about my children or questioning my love as a father, quite honestly, piss me off:
"There was no question that Ralph maintained a security wall around his family life. He felt protective of his children and worked hard to provide for their physical and emotional well-being. Once when Lara made a critical comment about Rachel's mothering, Ralph bristled : she had no right to pass judgment on his wife, whom he considered to be a wonderful mother."
I recall vividly an exchange of messages that made my blood boil. Our kids are amazing, thoughtful, caring people. We have worked very hard to provide a loving and nurturing environment for their upbringing. My AP thought we were duds for not allowing the kids to listen to certain music, watch certain TV programs or watch movies that had inappropriate content for tweens. I remember thinking, FU! How dare you question our parenting skills?! Maybe that's why YOUR kid struggles at school and gets picked on, and our girls are doing so well. I totally stuck up for my BW and it pissed the AP off. Too bad; so sad - right? There were actually many occasions where I defended my BW. I should have seen those exchanges as an opportunity to get off immediately at the next exit, but again, as noted above, I felt trapped by threats.
Would love to hear others' thoughts on the book and if it you too had the same epiphanies/similarities.
[This message edited by Unforgiven1OH at 9:54 AM, January 11th (Thursday)]