I read the book last week and it was a painful read for me. Suddenly, I noticed all of the red flags that I had had before in my marriage but never connected them.
I literally had trouble sleeping after reading the first few chapters because a lot more of my life/marriage made a lot of sense. The section that particularly haunted me was where she describes the typically victim... that section pretty much described both me and my daughter, who is now dealing with major self-esteem issues.
I also starting taking notes as I read about the book and the things that she had done over the years, including:
1. One year, she didn't acknowledge that it was my birthday. Towards the end of the day, I got annoyed/angry and I brought it up with her. She replied that she was simply waiting for the "right time", as if she could only say "Happy Birthday" once per year.
2. When she told me that she wanted a divorce, she said it was because she determined that I would never trust her. When I responded with the fact that I had just caught her in a major lie, she scolded me for shaming her about her past lies.
3. One year, I was in the kitchen carving the turkey. STBXW and her family literally started eating before I came into the room. STBXW's aunt asked if they should wait for me... the response was "no."
4. Whenever STBXW received a phone call, she would ignore me, the person who was actually in the room. Whenever I would call her, she would not speak to me if she was with someone else.
5. My latest example is from our divorce. We had a 15-year marriage, during which time she held at least one 8-year long affair (and I am very suspicious that there were numerous other acts of infidelity). Being a co-dependent, I wrote her that I regretted that our divorce had become adversarial. She responded that the adversarial divorce was my fault because I had a bad attitude.
6. Just a general feeling that I was always the least important person in her life. I felt taken for granted, that I would always be there no matter what... so she could treat me poorly and I'd still be there.
Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.