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So I am still seeing the wonderful guy that I have been with for well over a year now. Due to the experiences I had with the ex, I’m taking things slowly. We live close, but not in the same house. We spend a great deal of time together and get along great with each other and the kids. He really is a calm, wonderful gem. How do I know if I’m going too slow? He says he loves me and completely understands what I have been through as he went through the same thing with his ex several years earlier. However, I still have earth shattering fears of what if this...what if that...! Like I said, I am going slow and really paying attention to what I see and hear, which all line up wonderfully. Is it that I just might not be that person to ever go further again? Is it OK to go a lot slower and be cynical? I do not want to ruin a good thing down the road if he gets tired of waiting, but he insists that he is OK and he thinks that we are doing well. I do, too. I just don’t want to blow it. I feel so much better and at ease with him. I’m just nervous about my own ability to pick one.

What do you mean by going slow and him waiting for you?

Have you agreed to be exclusive? Or do you think you're moving slowly because you're not living together after only dating a year or two?

Personally, I think one of the fabulous thing about having a NB is throwing out all of the "shoulds" and just doing what you want to do.

Is he pressuring you to move in/get married/whatever? I don't understand what you mean by saying he's waiting for you.

Personally, my SO and I have been together nearly 5 years. We each own our own places 20-30 minutes apart from each other, and we typically (before isolation started) go out a few times a week, leaving plenty of time for us both to have our own interests as well. We may change our minds (separately or together) at some point and want to cohabitate or get married, but at this point, I see no positives for me. We are as committed to each other and to being together as if we were married (and more committed to that than the partners who brought us all here!) But the situation we have is what works best for both of us and we love it -- and each other!

I guess what I mean by waiting for me is that I feel like I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to move it more than a snail’s pace. He says that is fine and that we just go with it and enjoy each other. Yes, we are exclusive. We spend a great deal of time together, but my fear is that he will eventually want more than I can give him at that moment. I know that it’s kind of silly since it hasn’t even happened yet, but I am just afraid of that.

He says he loves you, you enjoy each other’s company, times with the children. Things are going well. If you are both happy now, so try to live in the now. There may come a time when he wants more, but just as easily he can decide that he loves you enough to wait until you are on the same page. In fact, he has said as much. Believe that he loves you. Believe that he means it. Look at how he treats you, how you are together as a couple. Enjoy the now...it’s all we have and worrying about something that may never happen is putting a shadow on the now.

We spend a great deal of time together, but my fear is that he will eventually want more than I can give him at that moment.

(((Deena))) You were abused for so long that it's understandable that you are going slow, and you should absolutely do what you want to do.

Now here is the thing I think you are struggling w/ and probably don't really believe, and it's what is causing your angst. Real love, real connection, doesn't force you to move faster than you want, and will be patient with you to get to your level of comfort and happiness.

You are being completely honest w/ him, he knows your situation and like a decent human is willing to allow you however much time you need to heal. Relax, enjoy it, and be happy.

(((deena))) please be kind to yourself - everyone is so right!

I guess what I was trying to convey is that relationships aren't a destination -- moving too slowly -- towards what? It sounds like your BF is a great guy who isn't pressuring you for more (whatever that means). Just try to enjoy it - you've certainly earned your NB and a fabulous new partner!!!

Deena, everything the others have told you is so right on. I thought of a different reason why you might be feeling this; see if this fits: we all grow up surrounded by society's expectations, and our families and our religious teachings and examples of "how an adult relationship is supposed to look," don't we? We start learning this at very early ages, too, so it's all imprinted pretty deep.

But if we here have learned ANYTHING in our journey, it is that our stories didn't turn out like those fairytale legends, or those traditional roles pretty much "everyone" was expected to assume as an adult! As survivors of our own past, I think we owe ourselves the respect to stay true to what works for us, before trying to squeeze ourselves into some role that hasn't worked for us in the past.

(Accidentally hit the Submit button....) So if we have these imprinted expectations, we may fear the other person in the relationship has them, too, and what could they be left feeling, if we cannot do that particular dance, yet? Or worse, if we just don't want to go there, ever again?

It sounds like your dear man gets all this, no problem. So then, where is "the message" coming to you from? I guess that's the question I would ask myself, if I were feeling like that.

[This message edited by Superesse at 8:17 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)]

Thanks all. I tend to pick apart and overanalyze everything. He’s wonderful, no pressure, open book, and I just need to breathe.

Deena, I agree with Tush but I also want to point out one more thing. It's normal to not be ready to move in together and get married only a year in. The average amount of time couples spend together before marrying now is nearly 5 years together. And they typically only spend 2 years of that living together. That's almost 3 years of dating before taking that next step just to give you some perspective.

If the above seems like an abnormally long time to you, that could be because you have experienced the whirlwind beginning multiple times that dysfunctional and abusive people tend to do. Sweeping you off your feet. Wanting full commitment ASAP. Moving in together too early. Marrying too early. Most people wait a bit longer to really get to know someone and don't feel pressured to jump forward especially when they have kids. So just know that how you feel today is far more normal and healthy than living together and engaged at this stage in your new relationship.

my fear is that he will eventually want more

From what you say about your SO, he is going at your pace. So what is this statement really about?? Have you had other people in your life that expected more from you?? This sounds internal and not coming from your SO.

[This message edited by Ichthus at 2:46 PM, April 27th (Monday)]

You are pretty young and much wiser now so you have a lot going in your favor.

That’s probably why he’s ok with your tempo.

It could be internal. It might be my fear of more happening. I’m trying to let that go and cautiously proceed. That means enjoying the moment.