SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is a long waiting list for therapy as of now, and I am trying my hardest to move on. I will probably be able to attend sometime in September. I know, it is ridiculous.

I am interested in seeing if anyone here managed to get through it without therapy?

I had therapy, but I’m not sure if my outcome would have been much different if I had not. But it sure was nice to have a stranger and a professional tell me I wasn’t crazy because I was a mess 😂

I’m sure people get through it without therapy. I woukd guess if cheating is a dealbreaker and you know you are going g to D then maybe therapy is not required or necessary.

I would not have survived the D or R without it. I had my own counselor. I did not do MC. I was certain we were D so there was no need for marriage counseling in my opinion.

There are folks on SI who didn't use IC/MC (I think Tushnurse may be one of them).

I don't know your story, but if I had to do year 1 again w/o an IC, here are the books/podcasts I'd recommend:

1. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Basics of what a WS should be working on. Quick/easy read in a couple of hours. I'm told it's available free online. A good first book when getting on the rollercoaster. ETA - I read your earlier posts, and would NOT read this if you are NC and not hoping for R.

2. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I'd call it the "bible" of infidelity, even if almost 20 years old (and I can't help but wonder how much Glass could have contributed had she not died shortly after publication). ETA - I read your earlier posts, and not sure if it would be very beneficial if you are NC and not hoping for R, though I do believe there are aspects that would be helpful for setting boundaries in a new relationship.

3. Marnie Breecker Interview on Duane Osterlind's "The Addicted Mind" podcast (2 parts). Focus is BS trauma. ETA: this may be helpful despite NC, if no other reason than to put words to many of the thing you are feeling/ are in crisis now... also, bc sounds like your ex may be SA and Breecker/Osterlind (and Minwalla) are all about SA and the trauma of being the BS to an SA.

4. The Helping Couples Heal podcasts. Marnie Breecker and Duane Osterlind got together and started this in 2019. Has 3 episodes with Dr Omar Minwalla, who championed the relational betrayal trauma model for healing. prolly has 8-10 episodes total so far. I found some to be a tad repetitive, but several episodes (esp Minwalla) are excellent. Minwalla really resonates with me. He believes having an A is abusive and an integrity disorder. ETA: Given you are NC / not hoping for R, I'd check out the descriptions for each episode. Some will still resonate, while others may be too focused on the WS or R. Again, if your ex is SA, much of this may really resonate.

5. Rick Hanson's "Resilient". Not about infidelity, but about finding/incorporating joy & gratitude to help heal our trauma. ETA: after seeing you are NC, I'd put this in must read.

6. Bassel Van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score". My "bible" on trauma. History, politics, studies, etc. Intellectually fascinating and emotionally validating. ETA: after seeing you are NC, I'd put this in must read.

7. Everything by Brene Brown. She has an audiobook I got via my electronic library called the Power of Vulnerability that I really loved in that it kind of condenses the gist of her early books. But I've read all her books and listened to just about everything I could get my hands on. Many successfully Rd WS highly recommend her stuff for the WS as well. ETA: after seeing you are NC, I'd put this in must read.

8. Pema Chodron's "When things Fall Apart". TBH, I have some trouble finishing her books. I got through about 1/2 of this and did benefit from it. Many on SI love her stuff (including successful WS)

9. Janis Spring's "How Can I Forgive You". A book I now recommend to everyone - whether they've experienced infidelity or not. A good touchstone for thinking about acceptance and forgiveness in all parts of life. Has a chapter for the "offending party" (aka WS, as the book is not "about" infidelity). ETA: after seeing you are NC, I'd put this in must read.

10. Help.Her.Heal by Carol J Sheets. Sheets is a CSAT who has a podcast. This is for the WAYWARDs, not the BS. It's a workbook designed to help a WS cultivate empathy. My WH's CSAT recommeded it. I read it and it looked good from my perspective. Not needed if you have decided against R.

11. ETA: I'd add "Healing Rage" by Ruth King. Maybe low on the list. My trauma IC recommended it and I loved it. It's not about infidelity, but about women's anger.

12. ETA: I'd also add "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson as a must read. Given you are not hoping for R, this one might really resonate with you.

I may also consider reading up on codependence (starting with Melodie Beatty's "The New Codependence" ), but only after checking out the Breecker/Osterlind podcasts. Many BS may be labeled codependent bc their trauma response looks similar to CoD. I had some CoD issues prior to dday, so I needed to reacquaint myself with this stuff. You may not be in this boat.

Infidelity books I would never recommend:

1. Anything by Esther Perel

2. Janis Spring's "After the Affair". I loved her book on forgiveness, but HATED her book on infidelity. I found a ton of it to be outright or subliminal BS blaming. Sorry, but I do not ascribe to the idea of my behavior making my WH "vulnerable" to an A, any more than I believe my WH's behavior made me "vulnerable" to shoplifting or any other dishonest behavior. Some folks loved it. She's got some pages for the WS about when they can address pre-dday problems in the M... but NOTHING on when a BS may want to address that shit. That's the kind of stuff that makes my blood boil. It may resonate better with a truly remorseful WS who "gets it" and is working to change.

3. Anything by Mira Kirshenbaum. Same thing on BS blaming and "vulnerability" to an A, coupled with a lot of excusing WS behavior. Not to say an EA isn't painful. Not saying EA not a betrayal. Not saying a BS to an EA is not traumatized & hurt. But she somehow paints herself as an expert on PAs after experiencing an EA by her WH. I came close to throwing my ipad across the room while reading one of her books. The fact that one of her books is titled "when good people have affairs" should say enough.

3. Buying/reading all the books on infidelity. I have a >2ft tall stack of infidelity books (and that's the ones I had to buy - my library card was chock FULL of infidelity stuff for all of year 1 and some of year 2). I'm just now thinking I should sell them as a "lot" on ebay! Some are better than others. Some will validate the pain and anxiety, etc. But overall, I'd stop with the infidelity stuff in the "recommend" list. I wasted a lot of time reading all I could get my hands on. I don't think it helped a bit. That time would have been better spent practicing some mindfulness, gratitude, meditation, and Hanson's HEAL steps.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 3:34 PM, June 6th, 2020 (Saturday)]

I didn't have therapy, but it is important to understand the difference between healthy vs unhealthy coping mechanisms, and utilizing the healthy ones. It is VERY easy to fall into unhealthy ones. That and the dreaded but equally important "time" component got me to the other side. I learned how to cope in traumatic situations decades ago, in the wake of a family tragedy when I had no one to support me (long before Internet). Those skills have served me well over the years. SI was also an outlet for me when I needed to vent (though I didn't find it until Dday3).

If you don't feel you can get through in a healthy way on your own, IC should be utilized. There are also a lot of self-help resources available, such as those that gmc mentioned above.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:26 PM, June 7th (Sunday)]

I was lucky to have an awesome therapist. ✅

I was lucky to read an article about the pick me dance. Didn’t stop me from doing It but I believe I did it less than I would have had I not read the article. When my H did his “I want a D” and then change his mind routine (4x) I did not make it easy that he was getting another chance or I was taking him back and forgetting everything.

Common sense. I was lucky I had common sense and was very rational during his affair. I was putting my Plan B together just in case. Turns out I ended up needing it. I also did the 180 on my own without knowing what the 180 was. It just made sense.

I wish I knew about this blog / website. I didn’t learn of it until 4 years after dday2. It would have been great to have support and a place to go where people understand infidelity.

As an example I had a sister who was cheated on during a 7 year relationship. She was miserable. Took years to recover. Her response to me was to get over it. Yup - snap your fingers and get over it. One month after dday2 she made it clear she didn’t want to hear it and I needed to move on.

I regret not knowing about SI. Best site ever.

Yes. I got through it by running and exercise. Also, the best thing I did was find a free divorce support group. It was held at a church but was not affiliated with the church or any religion. I met some great people, all in different stages. They became my social support/friends. I’d suggest you look for a free support group or look for meetup groups to join.

I only met with therapists, and a priest, at the very beginning after D-day a few times. Since then it has been a lot of on-line support, and getting together with other divorced women, and one man that was cheated on as well.

I simply can not afford therapy anyway and I'm kind of a loner so I am okay with not doing the therapy route. It's kind of 'not my style' in a way, except when desperate, they were a God send. I did listen to a lot of uplifting Christian music and worked very hard at 'rewiring' my mind to quit obsessing on him and OW. I paid close attention to my thoughts and 'noticed' things that lead to emotional results I was not happy with.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I tried with 3 different ICs over a period of a few years.

Honestly, for me, it almost got too personal for me and I think there were things about how I felt and what happened that I just did not want to discuss out loud.

I found this site after about 4 months so I’m sure that helped to affirm that I was not cray cray. Plus a lot of exercise too as mentioned above!

I dated my HS bf after the divorce and that ended in 2017 for good. We broke up once for a few months and I thought I would try to date so met with a dating coach.

She recommended Attached. The book is not about dating, but rather attachment styles and why and who we are attracted to. HUGE EYE OPENER about the bf. I always recommend it to people for whatever the situation is in their relationship.

Finally trying to date so I’m reading it again as a refresher!

Good luck!

I had some therapy during false R. I had to stop for financial reasons on dday#2.

I think the number 1 thing that helped the most was my lifelong friend. He listened to me for hours. It felt like he was my witness, the validation of my story. I needed that so badly. It was a horribly abusive marriage and I had lost my trust in my perceptions of just about everything.

Also, lots of reading. Janice Spring, How Can I Forgive You? I have not forgiven and may not ever but it helped me to not feel guilty about it!

Anything I could find on abuse, control, gas lighting and yes, narcissism.

I think that therapy may have helped but I did it without.

I am interested in seeing if anyone here managed to get through it without therapy?

Sure - there are many.

Folks have been dealing with this long before IC/MC was a common tool to access.

I wouldn't worry to much about what others had/or hadn't access too. Rather concentrate on what you can do for you to help you through. Many folks turn to exercise, others to hobbies, some like online DivorceCare program.

As Phoenix pointed out; there is healthy and unhealthy ways.

Find what works for you (regardless if it is more or less than the norm).

Lack of access to a traditional IC is not a path of doom.

I saw my IC 3 times. Did it help, yeah I guess. But looking back, self educating myself helped to get me through it. Folks here at SI who were further down the line. Watching videos, reading articles and books, having a good friend to vent to etc.

They do have online therapy as well! Have you looked into that? Might be able to talk to someone sooner that way.

What I forgot to mention was that I do credit my therapist for getting me on and off antidepressants. She saw what a mess I was in the beginning and helped me put myself back together. And then when I was recovered, she helped me get off my antidepressants. My primary care physician tried to be very helpful but I’m pretty sure my therapist was the best person to guide me through that journey.

I saw a psychiatrist and a psychologist once by myself after Dday, and we saw an MC 3 times in the immediate weeks after dday.

I didn't continue in therapy because I basically went in and said lets cut the crap this is why I'm here, this is what I am thinking, and this is what I am struggling with. He (the therapist) reassured me that I was correct, and that my moving forward plan was a good one made with thought and consideration for possible outcomes. I am though a nurse by training and education and with the 4 year degree (or at least when I was in school) came the minor in Psych and learning how to do motivational interviewing, so I applied those things in my knowledge base to myself to help me through.

I don't think no therapy is for everyone, but it can work for some.

multicolours

I am interested in seeing if anyone here managed to get through it without therapy

I don't know if it would help anyone else but it would help me if you could define what get through it means to you.

Many recommended that I see a IC when I was going through everything that ended my first marriage.

After our second meeting the IC asked my why I was there as I had a good handle on what I wanted and how I would move forward.

If you do wait for the appointment in September it may be useful for you to know what you hope to get out of the therapy.

I don't know if it would help anyone else but it would help me if you could define what get through it means to you.

I was thinking the same thing. What do you mean by "it"?

I most certainly DID NOT get through the trauma associated with infidelity without a therapist. I fell into depression, attempted suicide, got medicated, etc.

By the time that we decided to divorce, though, I was no longer in need of a therapist. I continued to see my therapist, though, because of a combination of "just in case" and STBXW accusing me of neglecting my mental health. I still see her, just in case. For quite awhile, my therapy sessions have mostly been more like gossip than anything (I literally used the word "gossip" during my last session).

I am almost two years from separating from STBXW (maybe I should stop using the "S" in STBXW?) and some of the trauma of the relationship seems to be bubbling up from time to time. So, I think therapy will soon be useful again.

No therapy, but I already had good coping skills for other crap I've dealt with in my life. Also, I did go to divorce care for 5 weeks. I found SI after I'd filed for LS, and after I filed for divorce I found another site that helped even more.

I didn't need therapy, but the other support was vital. I dont think k I would have healed nearly as fast if I disnt have support and if I hadn't gone NC. I cussed that motherfucker out every day in my head and on long walks for about a year. Then, one day, I was just tired of being angry and tired of being heartbroken. I decided I was going to get my life back. I wanted to be happy and it wasn't going to happen if I didn't progress to acceptance.

In Month 2 I saw someone once, moved to my hometown for 6 weeks and saw a different person twice, then moved back to the city to start a new job. It was a hit the ground running job situation, so I didn't have much time to start over again a third time. I was distracted, so it worked for me. I didn't get much out of therapy anyway since I'm already a very open person who bounces his unfiltered feelings off friends and family. Plus I really wanted to develop my coping strategies emperically and on my own, but YMMV. Maybe I would've avoided some of the background sadness that lingered for a while. Who knows. Regardless, two years later and I feel as alright as anyone can all things considered.