SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been four years this year since my xwh left.

There been lots of dating. I’ve been with my current partner since January.

It’s long distance - one hour flight or 1000 kms ... we met when he was in town on holiday.

Due to covid one directional lockdowns I’ve had to do all the travel since march as he wasn’t allowed to come to me. That’s me flying to him.

10 days ago that lockdown changed to bi directional so we can’t see each other. First anxiety attacks since my xwh infidelity.

He’s taken this latest lockdown to raise our distance problem and is calling it because the immediate issue is we can’t see each other and there no date on resolution. Long term we both have children and he has a business and he can’t see how we can make it work.

Has anybody else done this? How did you make it work?

I’m currently devastated. First person I’ve actually loved since Xwh. Honestly I thought we were goi g to be long term. There was nothing wrong with our relationship .... we had never even had one fight or argument.

[This message edited by Tortured at 1:25 AM, August 15th (Saturday)]

Giving up could be for so many reasons. He may not be completely honest with you and maybe this is just his way of ending it.

Maybe he didn’t have the same feeling he anymore. At least he was honest.

I'm sorry, this sucks. As The1stWife stated, there could be other reasons. It doesn't matter, though. The point is, he is done.

I've decided, and so have many people I've spoken to IRL, that the long distance thing will never work for me. I honestly won't date anyone beyond a 30 min drive...much less a flight. With little kids, work, etc, it's just not possible to see each other enough to build and sustain a meaningful relationship. Most folks aren't looking for a pen pal. I see that a lot on dating sites.

Lick your wounds, take some time for you. Think about what you want going forward. The first breakup after D is so so painful. Time time time. And when you are ready, get back out there. There are so many people out there. One good man will surely catch your eye. Then you won't imagine your life any other way. (((Hugs)))

So sorry you have to go through this now, on top of all the lockdowns. Gently though, I'd have to disagree "there was "nothing wrong..." Just being "in" that long-distance relationship involved heroic efforts to get to see each other, which works against getting "closer" over time.

I speak from the unfortunate experience of ending up married to a long-time ex-pat who, for the 4 years we dated, could never quite make up his mind about his eventual permanent residence. It was me in one country, where he lived and worked, with his roots and entire family on the other side of the world. This situation I knew was a disaster for our relationship to move beyond the casual dating stage, as it would naturally put him in an emotional conflict. I knew in my gut that "split" would cause us problems... Oh wow, has it ever.

So yes, it sucks that your New Beginning started with such distance built in. And too, he may have not been totally honest about what his reasons are now. But at least he decided not to hang on and drag you through years of a relationship, like I've had done to me...I do wish mine had just been man enough to tell me it would never work, and saved me 23 years of this misery.

I feel sure a better match for you is out there, and yet it is a sorrowful experience you are having right now.

Big hugs. Breakups are never fun. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Has anybody else done this? How did you make it work?

When I was first D, I would ONLY do LDR. I had no issues with not seeing the person every week as long as week connected in texts/phone/etc.

That only works if both folks are like that. Like my guy now. He HAS to see the person he is dating regularly. That is just how his needs in a R are.

So I would think that your guy might have thought he could do LD but as time goes on, he realizes that it just doesn't work for him.

You can't make this work on your own. It is a tough R to have when both parties on are board. If your guy is calling the R, I would listen to him and not force more (equaling more heartache).

I am sorry you are going through this. Breakups just stink!

I was advised early on in my New Beginning that an LDR can only be long-term if there is a commitment to remove the Long Distance component.

My Lady and I lived 900 miles apart. The first year was made difficult by finances limiting our ability to travel, and the fact that she had dependent (but nearly grown) children. After that, I got a consulting job and since my clients were paying for tickets anyway, I got to spend 3 day weekends with her quite often. I'd just go to Texas instead of home. The occasional gaps between contracts meant there were one or two month periods we wouldn't be able to see each other.

But even then we realized we needed to close the distance. I applied for jobs in her city and eventually got one in 2014. I moved in with her and have been here ever since.

Long distance is hard, and if there is no hope for getting closer, I think that is too much of a burden on the relationship.

I just don't see how you can get to truly beyond the early/mid dating phase only spending spurts of time where one is out of their normal surroundings.

So sorry for your heartache but he may be right.

Take care of yourself.