SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, today was interesting. My daughters both wanted to meet friends in an outdoor shopping area in town that happens to be close to where my exGF lives. I didn’t want to be too far away from them so I went to a sports bar in the area to watch football. Thankfully I invited a friend to meet me. About an hour after we got there, I could feel someone staring at me, and I turned to look and it looked a lot like the guy my exGF is dating. He was there with a couple other guys. About 30 minutes after that, my exGF showed up and sat with him. They were a few tables away, but we were sitting between them and the TV, so they had to look at us the whole time. After a while, I had to go to the restroom, and on my way back, I walked to their table, said hello and happy new year to her, and I introduced myself to the guy and his friends. It was super awkward, but I know it was the mature thing to do. I almost went there alone, but I was so glad to have invited my friend to join me.

Seeing her with him was tough. I was trying to make an extra effort to not talk about her or think about her. But wow. This was as much in my face as I could have gotten.

You don’t have any connection anymore. At all. If you see her again, don’t bother her. The adult thing to do is to leave her alone, completely, entirely, because that is obviously what she wants.

Poppy, I’m sure your reply was intended to be helpful, so that’s how I will take it. However, I respectfully disagree with you. Yes, there is no longer a connection, but to pretend that I don’t know her is weak in my opinion. It takes guts to walk over to say hello to her and introduce myself to the guy and his buddies. It wasn’t easy, but it shows that I’m a real man, I have class, and I’m not affected by her choices. I didn’t try to talk with her about our relationship. I just said hello, introduced myself and walked back to my table, which was situated between their table and the TV. It was obvious she had seen me the entire time she was there. I chose to be brave and do the right thing. And if I run into her again, I will do the same thing. Forget what she wants. She’s not important to me any more. I did what I felt is the right thing to do. If she was uncomfortable with that, that’s on her and her choices to cheat and ghost me.

And I was posting my story on here for support, because it was not an easy moment.

GTS, you did the mature thing.

I hope you have a wonderful new year.

Thanks Cooley2here. I thought I did the mature thing as well. I didn't try to talk about our relationship. I just said hello and introduced myself and acted like it didn't bother me, when in fact it was tremendously tough yesterday, and it still hurts today. I'm trying my best to keep moving forward. This is just so damn hard.

You are ignoring her boundaries. That’s not good for YOU. You said she had to see you sitting there. But she didn’t approach you. She has unfriended you on social media, as have her friends and family. She wants to be left alone. The mature thing to do is to respect that. This wasn’t bravery. It was inappropriate. The fact that you viewed it as a good thing means you really need to assess your own boundaries.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 9:02 AM, January 4th (Monday)]

For what it’s worth, I tend to agree with Poppy. I think that if you had crossed paths or were sitting directly next to each other, the mature thing would be to acknowledge each other and wish happy new year. Since she defriended you on social media and when you subsequently approached her table unsolicited at the bar, you knowingly crossed her boundaries. The result is that you’re needlessly inflicting additional pain upon yourself. While it may be easier said than done, you should ignore her until she approaches you which seems doubtful.

Poppy, I get what you are saying. Her friends did not defriend me. Just her and her family. But she is not respecting my boundaries either. She constantly tries to invite my friends out with her and her new guy, she comments on all of their facebook posts, and she even "likes" my daughter's instagram posts. If she wants out of my life, FINE, but then get out of my life. Going up to say hello yesterday was not about respecting or ignoring boundaries. It's about being a man and doing the mature thing. I didn't linger. I didn't try to talk about our relationship. I didn't ask who the guy was or point out that I know they were cheating. I just said hello and left.

Talking to friends and family is between the parties involved. They can choose whether or not THEY want continued contact with her. It is up to them to your friends to unfriend her/block her/stop taking her calls. This is not up to you. Just like she decided she wanted you to leave her alone, and her people no longer want contact with you. Contact is a decision both involved parties get a say in. Again- Boundaries.

Your version of “being a man” is going to come off as creepy and off putting with the next woman if you don’t do some self examination and work on your control issues. Leave the woman alone. Permanently. Forever. You do not have a right to insert yourself in other people’s dinner/relationships/business/ whatever after boundaries are given just because you have a penis.

I know you're looking for support, and if it helps to say that you were "the bigger person" for walking up to them, ok. However, I also agree with Poppy in that you have some personal issues to work on. Why did you feel it necessary to be the "bigger person" with someone who clearly DOES. NOT. CARE.? You are wasting your own time and energy. My guess is that you were focused on the fact that she had to see you all evening, as if it mattered. It doesn't. Did she reach out to you to wish a Merry Christmas? Happy New Year? No. She doesn't care. And at this point you shouldn't but clearly do:

I just said hello and introduced myself and acted like it didn't bother me, when in fact it was tremendously tough yesterday, and it still hurts today. I'm trying my best to keep moving forward.

The absolute best way to keep moving is to not reach out to her the next time you see her. No howdy, nothing. You owe it to yourself. It still hurts because you are still hurting, and maybe you figured being the "bigger person" would help alleviate that pain, but I don't think it did. Keep going out with friends and just keep as much distance between you and her as you can. If you see her again, no need to be pleasant. Ignore her. She won't care. And if she does, well, too bad for her!

I too agree with Poppy. There was no need to acknowledge her group for any reason, the two of you are not friends after a peaceful breakup. While what she is doing may be passive bitchy moves...IMO...regarding social media, circle of friends, etc. you have just upped the ante.

So I suggest you be prepared for her to step it up too. See how that game can be played??

The adult thing would have been to enjoy the game with your friend to the best of your ability and ignore her group. Unfortunately I imagine she has now blown it out of proportion in her circle and you are the gossip topic for the day.

Grey rock is your goal. I hope you get there someday for your benefit.

And finally, imagine if a woman you were dating told you this story in reverse and she took the actions you did. Would you think she was ready to date? Emotionally healed? Over her ex? Would you risk falling for someone that feels like you do today about their ex?

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 2:07 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

AnnieOakley, the difference is that I'm not playing games. I disagree and think it would have been disrespectful NOT to go over there. I would have looked weak. We can agree to disagree. My friend thought it was the correct move, and so did other friends of mine not on this forum. Not sure why you constantly bring up my dating here - I didn't mention anything about dating anyone at this moment. All I said was that it was tough to see my exGF with her guy, whom she cheated with. I'm doing the best I can to move forward. I agree with you that what SHE is doing is bitchy and passive agressive. However, my behavior was not disrespectful in any way. I would have said hello to my exWW if she were there too. That doesn't make me a bad person. I didn't linger. I didn't say anything nasty. I was in no way threatening or stalkerish. And, I was at the sports bar first, so if she really had a problem, she and her group could have moved to another table.

You think she cheated. Maybe. Because after a rough 5 month period, she called it quits and your perception is that she rebounded too quickly, and somewhere in there you also accused her of sleeping with your friend. Over and over again you’ve made her uncomfortable since then. But you insist that you’re in the right completely. Of course your friends are going to be supportive because not supporting you would effectively end the friendship with your current attitude. You’ve created an echo chamber where you’ll only listen to voices that agree with you.

Again, this would send any new woman with a lick of sense running for the hills.

You’re not a bad person, by any means, but you need help and perspective.

The difference between your Ex Wife and her is that she has made it abundantly clear she doesn't want any contact with you. So how is it not disrespectful to force contact with her in front of a bunch of other people? If anything comes across as passive aggressive, your behavior does.

No means no, even when we don't like it. Even when it hurts. And I can't imagine why you wanted to approach her and introduce yourself to him, when you believe they were cheating with each other behind your back. You refer to him as the POS, so it's not like you wanted him as a new friend.

@Poppy704

Your version of “being a man” is going to come off as creepy and off putting with the next woman if you don’t do some self examination and work on your control issues.

What control issues does he have exactly? He was "stared" at, and he walked over and said hello. Was it just hello, perhaps or perhaps not, but neither is her nonsense of attempting to worm her way into his social and FAMILY circle.

Was his "control issues" to investigate the breakup and come to a very reasonable conclusion that is this a person of well....questionable character?

Leave the woman alone. Permanently. Forever. You do not have a right to insert yourself in other people’s dinner/relationships/business/ whatever after boundaries are given just because you have a penis.

Hypocrisy and agenda is often seen in your postings this appears to be no different. YOU have completely ignored where she has even attempted to remain in contact with his daughter and his friends. Ah, perhaps respect of boundaries apply only to XY?

Furthermore you make comments about the "possibility" of him coming off "creepy" to "possible" future women. Most intelligent people realize that opinions of others always have another side (truth has usually three sides) and while his X would like the narrative of "it simply didn't work out" to take root, the truth is of course quite a bit different and would never have come out without his investigation.

I must admit I would have a difficulty classifying your postings as anything but angry/bitter, misandric and with an unhelpful agenda (which has caused you to be directly uninvited from another posters thread in the past).

It is time to put your anger and agenda away.

Blahblah: He has texted her, interrupted her vacation, made her uncomfortable. That is direct interaction between the OP and his ex.

He continued to interact with her people’s social media. They blocked him. That is between him and those specific people. Not the OP and the ex. This is what I mean by boundaries. She does not control her friends and family’s interactions with the OP.

The ex has interacted with the OP’s people. The decision to interact with her is up to THEM, not the OP. Hence control.

The incident at the bar: OP said he was sitting between the ex’s group and the tv. They were watching the tv, not him, he specifically said this. Not snickering, pointing, staring. He is still forcing interaction directly with his ex that she has CLEARLY stated she does NOT want.

I am not the only woman who said this is bad behavior and a red flag. The reason the OPs future relationships are in a concern is because he has expressed interest in getting back in the dating game.

You can keep insulting me. You are an internet stranger and I don’t give a rat’s ass. But every woman who has been involved with a man that either A. just won’t stop after the break up or B. has been that guy to another woman, and they are to be avoided like the plague. I think the OP is a decent person who is in a very bad head space, that is in danger of digging himself a hole that will get harder and harder to get out of as he continue this way. I really hope he finds help, finds peace, and goes on to be happy.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 4:26 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

blahblahblahe,

THANK YOU!!!!

I'm not looking for an award on here, but some compassion and understanding would be nice. I appreciate you coming to my support.

Poppy, the cheating has been essentially confirmed. The guy liked her Facebook posts going back to at least 2 days after the breakup. While there's a small possibility that nothing was physical prior to our breakup (doubtful in my opinion), there was at least constant communication between them dating back to probably late March or early April. When I discovered that there was a new guy in photos with her family at 2 months post breakup, and then I researched that the guy lives/lived in a part of town 40 minutes away from us, but it's where she lived 10+ years ago, this screams that he is someone she knew from back then. Additionally, his ex-wife filed for divorce in early March 2020 (when our issues started) and was finalized in mid August 2020 (9 days prior to her breaking up with me). All the signs are there, and after going through this once 5 years ago, this puts all of the puzzle pieces together, aside from my "best friend's" involvement.

Regardless of whether or not she cheated, the way she ended the relationship, ghosted me, and continuously reaches out to my friends and "likes" my daughter's instagram posts is all inappropriate behavior.

If I saw my exWW's attorney in public or my exWW's POSOM in public, I would say hello, because that's the right thing to do. If she had left the bar and I ran after her to say hello, I would agree that's inappropriate of me.

Poppy, Y

our facts are a little off.

1. She broke up with me over the phone and didn't want to discuss it. The night before she told me how much she loved me and couldn't wait to spend time with me that weekend. Yes, it was confusing, which is why I texted to ask if this was really what she wanted or could we at least discuss it. That's hardly controlling of me.

2. She decided to come to the exact same beach that she knew I would be at (because she was supposed to be there with me). Then she made a public social media post with photos that made it clear where she was staying. This was 1 week after the breakup, and I still didn't understand what the heck had happened. I walked 5 hotels down the beach to where she was staying, and she was on a beach chair with her sister - I didn't go inside her hotel to find her. I asked to speak with her, and when she said it wasn't a good time now, but we could talk later, I left. That was it.

3. I NEVER continued to act with her people's social media. I called her brother-in-law to wish him a happy birthday, and he told me not to give up on the relationship. That's why I tried one last time and left her a voicemail asking if we could talk. I NEVER tried reaching out to her or her family again, except to thank her sister-in-law for a memory from a Thanksgiving in 2018. That's when her family de-friended me. Prior to that, they were actually liking my posts.

4. At the bar, the new boyfriend and my exGF were DEFINITELY staring at me. She was not watching the game. He and his friends were. She was staring at me. I decided I had 2 options - ignore it or politely say hello. I chose to politely say hello, introduce myself to the guy, and then go back to my table. That was it.

5. Why is it wrong for me to get back in the dating game? I'm not pining to get back together with my exGF, and I would never go back to anyone who cheated on me. Is it wrong of me to feel sad for the loss of the relationship? Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable to see her with a new guy? Why does that seem to bother you?

6. I am not insulting you. I have been politely disagreeing with you, but you have certainly made comments that are off-base and use inappropriate language. When I said I was "being a man", I meant that I was being accountable and genuine - not pretending that I don't know her. The guy knew who I was, because he was staring at me for a long time before she arrived.

7. To say that I won't just stop after the breakup is totally wrong. I haven't tried to reach out to her since 2 weeks post breakup. This is now over 4 months, and she was right there staring at me. I stopped any attempts to contact her. For her to be offended that I called to wish her brother-in-law a happy birthday less than 2 weeks after the breakup, but then like my daughter's instagram posts nearly 4 months later is very hypocritical.

8. Yes, I think something happened between her and my "best friend". For 36 years he has been there for me (and I for him) through thick and thin. The text messages he sent me even made my therapist question whether something was happening between him and my exGF. The fact that he hasn't reached out to me in any way since the awkward conversation when he told me his loyalty was always to me and not to anyone else, and that he wanted to put all this behind us, that speaks volumes. He's done something he's not proud of, and he can't face me because of it.

I respect that you have a different opinion than I do. However, I ask you kindly to be more compassionate with your message and delivery. Everyone on this site is hurting, and we are all looking for support. Perhaps if you more gently expressed your disagreement and suggested other alternatives to what I had done, it would be easier to accept your criticism.

It takes guts to walk over to say hello to her and introduce myself to the guy and his buddies. It wasn’t easy, but it shows that I’m a real man, I have class, and I’m not affected by her choices.

Got the shaft, if you have learned anything about SI, it is that we don’t always get to hear what we want to hear. Objecting to people not agreeing with, or validating our perspective (even when it’s obviously flawed), is really not what this place is all about.

In this spirit, I’d like to tell you a story.

Four years ago I dated someone for a few months. I broke it off and thought that would be the end of it. But that was wishful thinking on my part. He followed me around, seemed to be aware of all my movements, stalked me on social media and OLD. He even started showing up at the local pool just before my son’s class, just to catch a glimpse. This went on for a whole year and left me badly shaken.

Now, I am not saying this is the kind of things you would do, I am just saying that, from personal experience, unwanted attention is not just uncomfortable - it’s unnerving. If the other person has moved on, and they have made it abundantly clear that they no longer want you in their life, in any capacity, then you have got to stop telling yourself stories of what is or isn’t acceptable. Or classy or gutsy or mature. You just have to respectfully move on.

And I think deep down you know that.

I still say you did the right thing. Actually a wave in their direction would have sufficed.

She’s moved on with a guy who was married so she isn’t top quality in my book.

Put this behind you. If you want to date, date. Find something funny to laugh about. Read a good book. Take walks. Does let this take up another minute of your time.