SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I must both agree with Skeetermooch and also differ. SM makes a good point about the not being perfect time to begin a relationship. We aren't pieces of fruit ripening on the vine, waiting to be picked at the moment of optimal ripeness. If you are anything like me, you are a person healing from some pretty serious wounds, not to mention any hurts from your life in general. I'm a big bucket of issues by the way, but I think I'm pretty average.

I still think that healing is important. Let me explain beyond the catastrophic cautionary tale that is my life. If someone were to post in the NB forum that they met someone who they are extremely smitten with, but there are some red flags, caution would be the order of the day. If they explained that their new partner was unemployed, with no short term guarentee of employment-but good long term prospects, suffered from a catastrophic emotional trauma, was between places to live, and fresh out of a relationship, alarm bells would be ringing, not because the possibility of a good match isn't there, but because of the added variables and complexities. The advice would be for the romantic partner to focus on getting their life back together and not split that focus with a new relationship. It wouldnt be fair to either partner. It's not about being perfect; it's about present.

How can you be fully present to explore all of the wonderous possibilities of a new relationship when you are simultaneously trying to heal deep wounds? If it takes 2-5 years to heal a M, should some time be taken to heal yourself?In a sense, you have two masters. One you serve is your heart and the possibility of love. The other is your pain. You can use the former to medicate the other, but the real, authentic focus is on the latter. The greatest gift you can give to another is your authentic self. Why not invest in making it the very best you can?

I fell into a relationship too soon after S and I used complex rationalizations and convoluted rhetoric to justify it. I lost an amazing woman and I regret it every day. Just want present, and she fell in love with me as well, not the real me, the wounded, struggling me. I wonder if I was the authentic me, would it have works? It's been 7 months and I have mourned the loss every single day, more than a 27 year marriage. And yes, I am an idiot. But I'm learning.....slowly.

I'm starting to see the errors of my ways. It's becoming more obvious I'm just trying to fill a hole that was left behind. I know I should be filling that hole with myself and not relying on someone else to do it. I'm not healed, I dont know when I will be. It feels like it never will happen, I know I'm still new to this but my whole adult life has been spent with one person who gave me everything, and now I'm alone. Its not that I can't provide for myself, I can pay my bills and have nice things I dont need someone to take care of me.

I'm just lonely, some weeks I feel pretty good about things. This week I just feel exhausted. I'm crying alot, Friday I switch cars with my stbxh which means seeing him in person, talking to him in person for the first time since may. I want so badly not to cry during that interaction. I want to present myself as doing just fine, but I feel like I'm going to break down seeing him and just give him more power. And I'll walk away feeling like an idiot because I know he'll be cold and straight forward about the car exchange.

(((NE28)))

You're going to be OK. And you won't be sad forever. there was a time I felt the same as you. I felt so damaged I thought I would never be whole again. I detached completely from men, and surrounded myself with wonderful women. I joined a women's activity club and traveled a bit with them. I joined divorce Care, and my group was all women except for one man. We clicked and are all still tight. I went camping alone. Cycling, kayaking, to the beach... Did several Meetup activities with strangers. Dating was not even on my radar for almost 18 months.

It takes time. Once I felt healed and whole, and like I had something to offer someone, the desire to date naturally and slowly came back. That's what we mean by "you do you.". Be completely self-absorbed, do things just for yourself. Fill your own cup. Surround yourself with old and new friends, (not potential lovers!! Lol). Don't lose focus on the most important thing right now...YOU.

Keep us posted of your progress. One minute at a time.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:20 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

I'm just gonna say that if you're looking for support for a new relationship on a website, this one might be tough.

We're all here because our relationships bit in the ass and damn near killed some of us.

I think we are biased(I know I sure am) but I think we all have good reason to be.

(((NE28)))

I'm starting to see the errors of my ways. It's becoming more obvious I'm just trying to fill a hole that was left behind. I know I should be filling that hole with myself and not relying on someone else to do it. I'm not healed, I dont know when I will be. It feels like it never will happen, I know I'm still new to this but my whole adult life has been spent with one person who gave me everything, and now I'm alone. Its not that I can't provide for myself, I can pay my bills and have nice things I dont need someone to take care of me.

Don't look at it as error - look at it as a valuable lesson. Of course you want to fill that gaping hole in your heart! That makes complete sense and a LOT of people do that with an SO. The issue with that (as you well know) is that if you put your heart (or healing) in someone else's hands, you give up your control over what they do with it.

I promise you won't always feel broken. You won't always feel sad. But you have to work through the broken and the sad to come out the other side. It sucks. And it sucks even worse that you have to do that cus of someone else's shitty choices. But turn all your focus on YOU. Do things that you love and that nourish your soul. Refill your cup. If it helps, give yourself a timeframe - say, "I will focus on myself and my healing for 12 months, during which time I will not pursue any romantic relationships." At the end of the time, re-evaluate.

I know I kinda felt like you early on too. I read on SI so many times about the 2 to 5 years, so my timeframe then was 2 years. 2 years in which I would focus on me and not even think about dating. I'm comin up on two years next month since dday1 (though let's be honest.. with the divorce, the pandemic, and all the things, it seriously feels like about 10 years), and you know what has happened? I have rediscovered who I am. I have fallen back into a connected meaningful relationship with ME. And... I know I will meet someone someday when the universe's time is right, but I am not rushing that or pining about it. I'm... content. Just very content and peaceful in my life for the first time in a long time, and on a go-forward, I will be extremely discerning about who I allow in.

Point being - I know when I was early in this process, I felt a "way" and it felt like that "way" would always be. But the only constant is change. And you WILL feel different in a month, in 6 months, in a year... just give yourself time. You say you gave him everything; well color me crazy, but I think YOU deserve at least as much as you gave him, don't you?

Ellie is so right, as always. Everything feels so intense right now and you're being so very much a normal human being to want something to help with the pain and loss. This is HARD and none of us do it perfectly. This phase, though? It's temporary, thank goodness. With time and distance, your XWH will be nothing to you. You will not feel so much intense emotion. Peace will slide into your life more and more as you re-discover yourself and create a life that's all about you. We need to be profoundly self-absorbed for a while after we split from these people. It's one of the few times in life when selfishness is absolutely required and prescribed. Let it be all about you and making the life you want to live. Another person cannot fill that hole or heal that pain. Only we can. I treated myself like I was dating me for a good year after I left. I deserved it and it was nice.

Like Ellie, I have a lot of peace and contentment in my life now. Please believe that we were both complete wrecks here at various times. I'm not even looking for anyone to share my life with right now. I'm too selfish with my peace and I do not want it disrupted. If I meet someone, cool. If I don't, also cool. That probably means that I'm ready for a healthy relationship if someone comes along. What I was ready for right after moving out was a drunken ONS with a man in his 20s. No regrets about that (it was needed on many levels), but I wasn't a calm stable person. I would have had no business dating, but I'm not sure that I understood that at the time.

I haven’t read all of the replies to this thread but I just wanted to add that this is by far my favorite thread title of the year.

And a man who values himself does not behave the way ‘new guy’ behaves. HUGE red flags...possible player or co-dependent, please be wary!

Yeah you guys are right. I ended it with him tonight. He's wistful words of patience and im worth came to a screeching hault pretty past. Anytime I said something he didn't like he'd just reply "ok" and shut down. I told him I had done enough eggshell walking to last a lifetime and I wasn't going to do it again and this probably wasn't going to end up anywhere happy for either of us, he causally agreed and deleted me on social so pretty obvious not a huge loss on either end. I need actually communication and patients not pretty words. It was becoming obvious he has a temper and is easily triggered. Oh well, it is what it is. I need to just focus on me.

(((Hugs))). Sorry- I know it hurts. But you were brave to put yourself out there and it looks like you learned more about yourself and your boundaries and your needs, and that is a big win.

Take care of yourself.

ImcS

I am laughing so hard at the picture of THE ex biting me....well you get the picture.

But the nearly killed me is very real.

I do not plan to ever see him again. Not to exchange anything. Not even if he died would I go to his funeral. Very very likely not even at my child's wedding.

He is my abuser. He risked my life. I could have died. I view him as a very very cunning poisonous reptile that I do not even get in the range he is known to inhabit.

That said. I am very careful what new creatures I admire....much less those I pick up

If I pick up the wrong one and find it poisonous, I need to be healed enough to know I misjudged and immediately drop it and run?

And ((virtual hugs)) never.

Sorry things did not feel right with the new guy...please give yourself some grace and know we are all works in process.

Why can’t you sit back and just enjoy the friendship?

Don’t pressure yourself to date. Just enjoy the time spent with him. Period.

Don’t just bail on him — he’s done nothing wrong. And tell yourself you are taking it slow. Your not rushing into anything right now.

No actually he did do some things wrong and wasn't very kind with his responses. I'm better off not continuing down that route.

EDIT: I have not read the whole thread.

There is no one size fits all rule about when you are "ready" if ever. Here's the deal: be honest with this guy and with yourself.

You may find yourself heartbroken. Are you willing to deal with that now? Are you willing to have to deal with more relationship drama? Not saying any of that will happen, but it could. Are you willing to be open and honest with this person and risk rejection?

Again, for me, jumping back in is wiser. I'm not a good sit and mull things over for ages person. It drives me insane. I need to work through things, and sitting around thinking about them for too long isn't my thing. You know you better than the rest of us. Do what you think you want to but be careful and be honest with yourself - try to bite off only that which you can chew.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:23 PM, December 1st (Tuesday)]

I will agree with Skeetermooch here.

[This message edited by Opinionsplease at 10:27 AM, December 26th (Saturday)]