SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi folks....

It's been 2 years and 4 months since Dday and probably a half-year since I last posted or looks at SI. I got busy in the routine of life and haven't checked in. As it stands, there is calm with my ex-BW. We are co-parenting successfully and get along well. I still have lingering thoughts of regret and remorse. I see these as healthy reminders to always strive toward my better self and maintain my promise to not betray the new personal vows I have written for myself. As my therapist would say, I betrayed myself before I betrayed her. My ex has been dating someone for about a year now, and she has shared some details. I'll admit that I still have a connection with her. After all, we've known each other since middle school. But I'm also happy that she is moving on with her life, finding happiness.

I still go to therapy, and I continue to unpack this life that was created and destroyed, but now re-born. I celebrate successful co-parenting. And I'll continue to say this: even though I have taken great efforts to recover and become a better man, my ex-wife was so courageous. She made harder decisions when I was fumbling and stepping on my own feet. I was so blinded by my own selfishness. We have both learned so much. And our kids are benefitting from this.

Last note to myself (and maybe some of the newer confessors): don't ever avoid the truth of what you did and who you became. Your ugliest actions can still be converted into lessons that will make you a good person now and in the future. Don't ever rugsweep. Don't be a victim. Don't lie to yourself or others. Face all of the ugliness, taking one small step at a time.

This is a very thoughtful and caring post...thanks so much for sharing .

Kairos,

Regardless of the outcome, it is always great to see waywards continue to work on themselves and come to a new understanding. Posts like this can also be inspiring for those presently going through the same struggles.

FYI - there is now a thread in I Can Relate - Waywards Not In R. Maybe take a peek over there if you care to.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 9:27 AM, December 9th (Wednesday)]

Integrity feels pretty damn good doesn't it?

It's my new drug of choice.

yes, these days, I'm all about OWNING our own faults.

Just seeing these responses now. Yes, outcome is not important, at least in terms of the relationship. How we become unsafe people in relationships has to be understand: the how, why, etc. And it's not just about infidelity. Our human flaws are endless. I'll check out that "I Can Relate" page. But for what it's worth, even though my marriage ended, my relationship with my ex-wife has not. And even though we will never be in that former relationship again, I am happy to be finding ways to continually evolve as a co-parent and as the man who once loved her (before, of course, I threw that love away).

She and I had a really amazing conversation the other day. She expressed some regret on her side. I of course told her it had nothing to do with her. I made these choices. I acted selfishly to the core. She was the one who maintained integrity through it all. And yet, to hear that she has extending that olive branch gave me a sense of forgiveness, from myself and from her. Forgiveness is a funny thing. You can say you forgive someone (or yourself), but to actually feel it, that's different.

She's in a relationship with someone who seems to really be taking care of her. Believe it or not, this has brought me great comfort. If she can: a) recognize that it absolutely had nothing to do with her, and b) find self-worth and self-love to be able to find happiness in a new relationship, then I know she will be on a path that will take her away from the horrible nightmare I delivered to her. And, for once in this entire time, it feels a little bit like she is moving away from that pain. I want her to.

This was never her problem. The problem was that I never stopped hating myself, starting from childhood and on. And if you can't find a way to love yourself, you really can't love others. I'm rambling. I really do hope that those who are struggling over the holidays will find ways to do self-care. It really does get better, if you commit to it.