I wasn't sure where to post this, but it seems like this forum might be the best place to find people who have walked my current path and are further down the road.
I'm 2 months post legalizing my divorce, 14 months post physical separation and probably like 24 months post in house separation. We tried to reconcile for a LONG time, and I was in IC throughout the entire process so it feels like in some ways I am maybe more healed than others in my same situation and in other ways way further behind since the legal part of it is still brand new.
We were married for 11 years, dated for 6 years prior to marriage. I had sexual partners prior to my ex and always felt like I had good physical relationships with my partners (not a ton of people, but some longer term boyfriends) - I enjoyed sex and wanted to have sex. One year into our dating relationship my ex lived long distance for a summer for a job and he ended up kissing (or maybe more - who flipping knows at this point.... but he maintains it was nothing more than that) another girl while there. Once I found out I was obviously super hurt but convinced myself he just made a mistake and it was fine. I think from that though I took away that I was fulfilling this sex need for him and if I wasn't there that he would just fill the need with someone else. I started to feel a little like a commodity. And I legit stopped having a good sex life with him.
It was not not good, but it just wasn't as fun or frequent or passionate as it had been and it often felt like a duty and that wasn't a great feeling. We got married and kids and I was pregnant or breastfeeding or both for 7.5 years straight. Our sex life sucked and I think I took a lot of that on myself, thinking there was something wrong with me. My ex obviously contributed to that feeling for me - but now that I am out of it I see that much of it had to do with doing 100% of the parenting, housework and dealing with an abusive alcoholic who wasn't always nice to me and I didn't trust.
So fast forward - he has a mental breakdown, has an affair, etc. We try to reconcile and there is some hysterical bonding that occurs. It dies out fairly quickly because he is still drinking, has a mental illness, etc. But this all is about the time I stopped breastfeeding my youngest and I think the hormones plus the hysterical bonding made me realize that I actually do really like sex.
So now I am here, realizing that maybe I'm not an cold prude like my ex would have said I was, and the thought that now that I am realizing this about myself and I am alone and cannot have sex is like super frustrating. I think I wrap sex up with emotions a lot, and with the previous boyfriends even though I wasn't in love, they hadn't hurt me and maybe once my ex deeply hurt me I just could never recover from that? Or maybe it felt more like an obligation and like I didn't have a choice since I thought if I didn't he would leave me?
And I in no way want a relationship AT ALL, but I would love for someone to come over after my kids are in bed and we can have some wine and chat or whatever, have sex and then he leaves, until the next time our schedules line up and that happens again.
I feel like its so awkward to talk to my married friends and be like I just really want to have sex - they cannot relate and they don't have any advice for me so it just seems pointless. But like am I going to have to wait years to have sex again?
I don't know - is this a common stage in post divorce? How do you get through it? Ugh....