BW here and no stop sign (you may want to add one to avoid harsh comments). If you really did come completely clean on dday, I applaud you. That is something that most WS (wayward spouses) fail at miserably, and TT (trickle truth, or not coming clean) does unimaginable harm on top of the infidelity.
My WH was engaged in one form of an A or another for our entire M. It is a HUGE trauma to learn your life is a complete lie. Every BS is different, but there is a pretty significant % (judging from SI and all the books I've read) of BS who feel that every memory is now tainted. It's like waking up and realizing you've been living in an alternate reality. It is for me. I don't say this to shame you, but to try and help you really see the level of damage this is. You can look at it and tell yourself what a monster you are, OR you can try and see it from her perspective and deal with your shame on your time.
You will have to work on managing your shame, in order to find some space to see & hear and understand your BW's trauma (and I'd not be a bit surprised if she ends up with a PTSD Dx herself).
The other thing is that what you describe could very well be sex addiction (aka SA here on SI - takes a bit to learn the acronyms). I would highly recommend you seek an IC to evaluate for that. The 'gold' standard (so to speak) is a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), but they can be hard to find and often don't take insurance. Ideally, you would find someone that works from the relational betrayal model. And you don't have to be an SA in order to avail yourself of the specialized training possessed by a CSAT. Same goes for your BW.
Most folks on SI would not recommend MC, at least not until both the WS and BS have some solid healing under their belts (shame for you, trauma response for her would be the first thing). This is bc MC is to work on the M and the M is not the crisis here - the infidelity is. And, as I believe you've said, you are 100% responsible for that, not the M and not anything your BW did - or did not - do. If you were unhappy, there are a million other, healthy, respectful choices you could have made.
If you haven't already, I highly recommend reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Linda MacDonald. I'm told you can find a PDF of it for free online. It's a pretty short read (took me an afternoon), and I really wish it had been the 1st book I read after dday.
IMO, anything by Esther Perel or Mira Kirshenbaum should be avoided. And if your IC/MC suggests that, RUN and find another IC.
I wonder how long I must wait until she decides if she will stay or go
While I'm confident this is probably really haunting you, it's the WRONG question.
The question to ask is how long YOU will wait to make real CHANGE in YOURSELF. You've already wasted 7 years and perhaps your M. You MUST drive the bus for your own healing. That means taking initiative (and coming to SI is a wonderful step - I really hope you stick with us, as it's hard AF to begin with and you will hear a lot of things that are painful, but I truly believe the waywards - and the BSs - here can help you in this journey of healing and change).
It means getting and reading How to Help Your Spouse, and then reading it again (heck, Im the betrayed and read it several times during year 1). It's learning about and figuring out how to manage the shame and self loathing. And it's figuring out the all-important EMPATHY - not just for your BW and your kids, but for YOU, bc YOU want to be a person who can empathize even with the folks you have harmed more than you will ever be able to imagine. A book my WH's CSAT recomended on this front is Help.Her.Heal by Carol Sheets.
It will likely mean learning about trauma and how to support your BW during her triggers and mind movies and all the other horrifying consequences we can experience... and doing it with empathy rather than turning it back on to your own shame.
And while this is super daunting and hard right now, when you think about it, every single minute and every ounce of energy you spend working on yourself in the wake of this crisis will yield exponential results for you and your life, irrespective of what happens in your M. That work will make you a better parent and a better partner in ways that go well beyond your M. Living in shame, avoiding the hard truths, deceiving yourself, etc. will do the exact opposite.
anyhow, I wish you the best and I hope that you continue to come to SI, it's the best "club' that no one ever wants to join. You will get some harsh words and some advice that may piss you off big time. That's OK.
Godspeed.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:24 PM, February 22nd, 2021 (Monday)]