SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So in Nov/Dec my husband had an idea I was cheating on him. I kept telling him that there was nothing going on. I was afraid to tell him the truth of what was going on. I had started talking with a co worker and it eventually turned into something more. The last 3 months have been difficult. Just the shame and guilt that I feel by my actions. My husband keeps asking why I did it. I just felt like I was missing that I wasn't good enough and got tired of how my husband was treating me. I became so angry with my husband that I was doing what I want and not thinking about the consequences yet. I have told my husband everything that happened but he doesn't believe me. I feel alone and very ashamed of myself. I wish I really didn't let my emotions get the best of me. Growing up I was molested and then later in my 20s had an abusive BF. Not sure what to do. I have done everything my husband asks me. I keep location on my phone I don't delete anything and I have stopped contact with my co worker. I keep work at work and then I focus on my family at home. I feel like I'm losing my husband each day. I know I have shattered his heart and I pray that we can overcome this together. I know I need to see a therapist for my past as a child and early adult life. I do hope things will get better one day.

Welcome Patty. I'm sorry you find yourself here, however, you took a good step. There is a lot of help and advice to be had here, if you are willing to open to it.

I would suggest looking for a book called "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" which you can find online, or even for free as a PDF. It is a very quick read, but it basically the "handbook" for how best to help your spouse early on in the healing process.

I also suggest taking a look at the "healing library" in the top left of this page, and the pinned link in the Waywards forum.

Things from here will be hard. Even if your spouse is open to trying to reconcile, the process usually takes 2-5 years just to get to a point where healing can really begin.

I think your idea to see an IC (therapist) is a good one, and I would recommend you do so right away. Many of us, myself included, are victims of childhood neglect and abuse, usually sexual in nature, and yes, it likely has a LOT to do with your own self-worth and "why" the affair happened in the first place.

Please make sure to tell your husband everything, the "whole truth" with no parts left out. If he doesn't believe you at that point, offer to take a polygraph to put him at ease. Beyond that, just understand that rebuilding trust takes time and a ton of effort. Right now he has no reason to trust you. Don't allow that to get in your way.

My general advice to you is to worry about fixing yourself first. Until you are able to know and love yourself, you are simply not capable of giving love to others. And whatever broken patterns and coping mechanisms got you here, will continue to remain broken until such time as you correct them. Until that's done, you remain unsafe.

Breathe. This is hard, but you will be okay, no matter what, promise.

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely take time to read those books and use the website to read and get more resources to help me in this situation. It's not easy but I am willing to fix myself so that I can be better in my marriage and in the future for myself. I have held alot of my feelings inside instead of expressing them. I definitely need to work on trying to be there for my husband. It can be hard at times he pushes me away or I'm the reason he is so hurt. Makes it hard to comfort him. I do try to write to him each day. I feel it's easier for me to express my thoughts on paper. He has been very understanding and I have been doing my best to keep my cool and not blame him for my selfish reasons. I really do hope therapy will help me. I just feel so lost and empty right now. I have felt this way for awhile. I just want to be happy again with my family and husband. I want to do all I can to repair my husbands heart and for one day fall back in love with me. At times I get scared since he tells me most people who cheat do it again. I hope I can be the small percent that chooses to stick to their word and be loyal to there spouse.

oops just saw the stop sign.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:59 PM, March 4th (Thursday)]

I just want to be happy again with my family and husband. I want to do all I can to repair my husbands heart and for one day fall back in love with me. At times I get scared since he tells me most people who cheat do it again. I hope I can be the small percent that chooses to stick to their word and be loyal to there spouse.

These are good things to want, however, I just want to caution you to keep a cautious eye on yourself when it comes to the outcomes of this affair. For many WS's, our initial insticts are to try and "fix" everything, make our spouses "happy again" and bring back the marriage to the way "things used to be". If you read that last line again however, you might notice that all of these things are what the WS wants. It doesn't address what the BS wants at all, and that may be another story altogether. Your spouse is on high alert right now. Not just for signs of infidelity, but more importantly, for signs of how "safe" you are for him right now. He's watching for lies. He's watching for manipulations. He's watching to see if you are truly sorry for what you did, or if you are sorry for getting caught. At first he's likely to pay a lot of attention to what you say, and look for any signs of inconsistency, dishonesty, or defensiveness. Over time, that may switch, and he will likely start paying more attention to what you do, and who you are, because after a while, words fail to matter, and it eventually comes down to who we are. Can we be safe spouses? Can we be decent people? Is there a reason for the BS to stay?

You cannot fix your husband, and your marriage ended the day you had an affair. So what you CAN do now is work on yourself. Go to therapy, find out what in your life allowed you to get to a point where you respected yourself, and your spouse, so little that an affair happened. It will take time and work, but when you finally address those issues in your life... that will go a long way towards making you a happier person, someone more capable of loving themselves and others, and, with your new healthy boundaries intact, you will also be a safer person, for everyone concerned.

You said you are writing to your husband daily. How has he been recieving these letters? Do you discuss them? What has his feedback been so far?

I appreciate all the advice you have been sharing with me. the letters I write my husband on how I feel and my thoughts on how I feel about what I did. I tell him how sorry I am and how wrong I was to ever give up on our marriage and him. I share with him the steps I am taking to improve myself. If I don't get the help I need. I feel that I will always feel sad or a void in my heart. I need to let go of the pain I have carried for many years. I need to live for today and for my family. When I get hurt I change into a different person and that's not the right way to deal with my problems. So I have alot of work. At times I feel writing to my husband helps me express how I feel. I know right now when we talk it's hard. He just tells me that I should have thought about that before th affair or how do I know if I'll do it again. I know I don't want to go down the same path. I really do want to be happy with myself so that I can show love and respect for my husband. I didn't feel that I was getting that from my husband and he became verbally emotionally abusice towards me. That just brought all the memories I had as a child and with one of my relationships I had. I need to learn to that I can't hurt others because I am in pain. I am taking meds for my depression and anxiety. I am not able to sleep unless I take a sleeping pill. Right now I just feel numb. I go to work but I'm not really there. I just go do what I need to do and go home. I try to be there at home. It can be tough cuz I can see my husband is hurt and it's because of me. It's not a good feeling. That's something I will have to carry with me until I die. It's not easy but each day I am trying. I don't want to lose my husband but I do understand that it can happen. So that's why I am taking the steps on fighting for my marriage.

Hello and welcome. I have lurked here for a while, so this is my first post. Just wanted to repeat some of the advice that DaddyDom has already given you.

First, let your husband go at his own pace through his healing and recovery. Listen to him. Let him feel his feelings. Be wherever he needs you to be, whether it's at his side or in the next room. It's going to be hard but it is absolutely crucial that you do this.

Second, absolutely get some IC for yourself as soon as you can. A good therapist will be blunt yet compassionate, while also calling you out on your own bs. He/she will also help you find the true "whys" that led you to choosing an affair.

Third, as you make progress in your own recovery, do NOT compare your progress to your husband's. He may need to be "stuck" for a while for his own sake. Never, ever say anything about how he should "just get over it" or be at a certain place by now. Use your own recovery to support his by always respecting his wishes.

I only signed up last December but I have lurked as a guest since 2019. There is a lot of wisdom from some really good people here.

I really have been doing my best to be there for my husband and respecting his feelings or space. He wants to talk or just have me listen I do that for him. I tell him I'm sorry for hurting him or making him feel a certain way because of my actions. When he says sorry for crying I tell him he has no reason to be sorry and that it's okay to feel that way. At times we hug it out and just hold one another. It's very hard to be there for someone and see the pain you have caused. I really am trying on saying any of it is his fault. It was all mine and I choose to betray him. I will be making an appointment with a counselor so I can deal with my own issues. I just feel lost and empty at the moment. I can't seem to focus at work and I feel distant when I am at home. I just feel sick to my stomach that I created so much heartache to my husband and myself. I know I have alot of work to do if want my relationship to heal. I understand that my marriage could either work or fade away. I am prepared for whatever happens since this was my own doing. I have no control it is up to my husband. He is the one who has the choice to stay or leave. It's been a rough 3 months but I am willing to tough it out and put in the work. I don't want cheating to define who I am.

I really have been doing my best to be there for my husband and respecting his feelings or space. He wants to talk or just have me listen I do that for him. I tell him I'm sorry for hurting him or making him feel a certain way because of my actions. When he says sorry for crying I tell him he has no reason to be sorry and that it's okay to feel that way. At times we hug it out and just hold one another. It's very hard to be there for someone and see the pain you have caused. I really am trying on saying any of it is his fault. It was all mine and I choose to betray him. I will be making an appointment with a counselor so I can deal with my own issues. I just feel lost and empty at the moment. I can't seem to focus at work and I feel distant when I am at home. I just feel sick to my stomach that I created so much heartache to my husband and myself. I know I have alot of work to do if want my relationship to heal. I understand that my marriage could either work or fade away. I am prepared for whatever happens since this was my own doing. I have no control it is up to my husband. He is the one who has the choice to stay or leave. It's been a rough 3 months but I am willing to tough it out and put in the work. I don't want cheating to define who I am.

Hi Patti,

Welcome to SI and the Wayward side. Home of the naughty ones who decided we were willing to put our marriages up for negotiation.

You are now scarred by infidelity. You will always carry that. The marriage as you previously knew it will not return. The future marriage will be different. For me, I have not confessed my affair to my wife but I am forever scarred nonetheless. I somehow thought two was better than one but it's not. I am 4 years out and I carry my wound all the time like a big scar.

You can tell us more about the A if you'd like. It's safe and it's not like we haven't heard stories way worse.

Know that affairs are not binary experiences. Do you still have feelings for your AP (affair partner)? Hopefully you have fully shut it down. NC with the AP is paramount. Affairs are an electric escape. Did you tell your AP you loved them? Love with the AP seems real but it's not. For you to have put your marriage on the line like you did you must have fallen in pretty deep.

You are on a well worn path though. So many of us stray. You are not a unique unicorn. The shock we feel of our betrayal is pretty enormous. For me I was faithful for 25 years and then tried to manage a side GF. One thing I've learned on SI is that I though I still loved my W while I was in the A but that's not possible. Sit on that for a while that you couldn't have been in love with your H while you were in the A.

So......you husband abused you. Red flag there. Feel free to elaborate more on that.

I am having compassion for you that life feels numb now. I've never been on the kind of meds you are so it makes sense they might blunt your feelings in life. It may take a long time for you to regains life's spark.

Glad you found us.

Three things going on here.

First: Life's problems are never an excuse to betray your spouse.

Second: If you are in an unhealthy/unhappy relationship you should move on if your BH is unwilling to make changes you need to stay in the marriage. Regardless of your affair, your BH has to be accountable for how he's treated you -- before and after the affair.

Third: If you found the solace in someone else that you weren't getting from your spouse, then that instinct to run to something else or someone else will follow you no matter who you're with. For this you need IC.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 7:36 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

I never thought I would cheat. I know my relationship had lots of ups and downs. It first just started as to saying hello. Then it lead to going to lunch together. Then exchanging numbers. At first we talked about work and just life in general. It wasn't until a few months. He started to text and talk to me on different level. I knew I should have talked to him or let him do that to me. I just went along with it. It was nice for someone to talk to me nice and just listen to me in general. My husband didn't respect me for a long time. He would make comments about my weight or just about women in general. When I was upset he would make fun of the situation. I always felt like I needed to do things to keep him happy but I didn't feel that in return. I became very angry and hurt that I was being treated this way. He knew I was in a abusive relationship years before and it really hurt me. Idk if u ever got over it. Then growing up I was molested by my step father. I never knew my dad. So I never have a good male figure in my life. It's like I had no respect for myself cuz I never got it. Even all the stuff I did for my husband it never felt good enough. He would control everything I did and it was hard to make friends. He didn't like me to go out. I moved here and I had no family or friends. So that was hard to not have anyone to be there for me when things got tough in my relationship.

Many of us here went through some form of abuse as children. Mine was sexual at the hands of one of my dad's friends at a very young age. While that certainly warped my outlook on sex, it didn't cause my affairs. Anything that my marriage or my life lacked didn't cause them either.

I made the choice to cheat. Of my own free will, I sought out affairs and cheated on my W.

Once you are ready to accept your responsibility for your A (and you seem like you are) then you can truly begin to heal.

I know I cheated because of my own free will. Things were rough in my marriage and I let someone in my life. I didn't think or care of the consequences. It wasn't until I got caught that reality sank in. I felt guilty when I had the affair I just couldn't stop. It took me getting tired of living 2 different lives and all the lies I was saying to my husband to see that I needed to stop. I knew deep down that this other person wouldn't make it happy or fill the void I had in my heart. So I had to tell them that I couldn't keep doing this. I was making myself so sick of doing this stuff. I did go and take a polygraph test and I did pass. It felt good to show my husband that I really can be honest and to keep my word. It's a small step but I feel happy. It was uncomfortable to do this in front of a stranger but I did it for my husband. I am willing to do whatever it takes to fight for my marriage.

I agree that nothing a BS does to you can justify cheating on them. However, many things can justify ending a marriage, and abusive/controlling behavior is right up there at the top. If you put everything you have into working for reconciliation, it may be years before you can address the abuse and isolation that you say was typical in your marriage, and even then, your H may not be receptive to change. Of course, it's also not uncommon for WS to rewrite the history of their spouse's behavior to explain why they felt desperate and/or entitled enough to cheat. We tend to look at such claims with a bit of a skeptical eye, especially when a WS now asserts that they're desperate to get out of the fire and back in the frying pan.

What can you tell me about why you want to go all in on saving a marriage that you describe as disrespectful and controlling? What has changed to make you feel that you're all in for whatever it takes to get back to that status quo?

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:51 AM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

I want to fix my marriage because before my husband/bf at the time. He was kind and he knew how to make me smile/happy. It just seemed like over the years my bfs attitude changed. His job made him miserable and living in IL didn't make him happy. He said I made him happy but it was hard to even see that. He complained alot and his smiles faded as well. I know in relationships you go through changes. I started to gain weight and my bf choose to make fun of my weight and control what I ate. It hurt very much that he couldn't support me or find a different approach to help me out. I never talked to my bf that way or made comments about his weight. Through the years I still stayed, I found ways to get active and workout. It really help my happiness when I had a hard time in my relationship. We decided to move so we could get married and start a new chapter together in a different state. I moved because my husband said it would be hard to live in IL and we got tired of the weather. So that was a whole process finding a job and just the transition to moving. My husband was very negative about the process that it would be hard to find a job and move. I actually was able to find a job. So I had 2 weeks to pack and move. My husband actually got a job as well. I feel like through out my relationship I was always looking towards anything is possible and my husband was the opposite. Now I know I have stated that negative about my husband. But through it all we made it, cuz I wouldn't give up. I let moving, losing friends/family and letting my husband isolate me and abuse me. To give me a reason to hurt him back and give up. For the fact I did this and I feel horrible. Since my husband has found out. This is the most he has shown me love and be there for me. So I just want to do the same and find the reasons why I feel in love with him. In time if he can't change and will continue to hurt me. I will just have to move on. Sorry for the long post.