SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have been together since 2012. We married in October of 2019. In February, 2020 i started talking to a c9 worker. We began to have a flirtatious relationship from 2/10/2020 to about 3/1/2020 during the time period of 3/1/2020 to 3/15/2020, i gave him oral sex often and then right before our job sent us to work from home due to covid, we had sex twice. So we went to work from home 3/16/2020. The ap and I continued to communicate through text. We sent explicit photos to eachother and I sent explicit videos. April 9, 2020 I cut off all communication with the ap. I began to find it really difficult to look at my husband without being consumed with guilt and breaking down in tears. So April 15, 2020 I sat my husband down and I told him what I did. I lied at first and told him it was a two week affair then later came clean about it actually being a 2 month affair. I shut down. We tried to go to MC but I now realize I was not willing to be vulnerable with my husband. I tried a few times but as soon as it was uncomfortable for me I ran. I wanted him to get over it. I didn't want to talk about it because I told him what happened what else was there to say? Well other details came trickling out over a period of 6 months. Nothing that I denied really, but things I didn't mention because I didn't want him to hurt more than what he already was. HUGE mistake. We are approaching a year since i told him. This pass sunday, we got into an argument. I told him I didn't know what else to say, he told me to get out. When he said that, honestly it was like a light turned on. I could tell he is sincere and doesn't want to continue this. I came back to the house that same night. For the following couple of days he stood his ground and wanted me to know he doesn't want to continue this with me. I told him I wanted to show him that he is important to me and that he is worth the fight for me. I will make the effort to be vulnerable and be open about whatever he wants to talk about. I slept in a seperate room. The day before yesterday, I went into his room and held him telling him that I miss him and how sorry I am for the way I've treated him. He agreed to give me my last chance even though it was really hard for him to do because it was already hard enough for him to say he was done. We had a decent day. But then bed time came and he didn't want me to touch him, he went into the other room to sleep. This is rough for him especially after almost a year of getting no where and no suddenly here I am wanting to engage. I honestly haven't posted on here or talked much to anyone about this. I want to have a deeper understanding of how he feels, and what to expect. I will continue to fight for this marriage. I want this to work and want to explore a new relationship with him. My husband is a great guy and has taught me the true definition of what love is. I can't say I've done the same for him.

Hi Violet,

I just wanted you to know that I read your post, and I am sorry that you and your H are both hurting.

I recommend MC if your H is willing to go with you.

If your H is not willing to do MC, I would recommend IC for you (it can be very isolating and lonely for a WS without a support person).

Hang in there ... and I think you are very brave for being honest with your H.

Hugs, Sundance

violet09

Seems as if you've been together for a while, but you weren't married very long before the affair began. If you look back, why do you think it not only happened, but happened so fast? What were you feeling at the time? What do you think you were looking for from this affair? Do you think that something about being married triggered some kind of memory or response in you? Were you ever molested or neglected as a child, or did your parent's fight or divorce maybe? Are there reasons you might have unconsciously tried to self-sabotage this relationship?

I would recommend therapy, if you can. My advice is to start with a personal therapist. I think understanding your reasons, your needs, and your boundaries, would be helpful before trying to understand how and why those things failed both of you in the relationship.

If I may offer some advice... I know right now, things are incredibly painful for you, and you are probably feeling scared and out of control. I get that. You miss him. You fucked up and you know it, and you want him back. All good, understandable things.

To him however, all of the things, those feelings... well, it's a matter of what you say vs. what you do. You say you love and miss him, but to him, you chose someone else over him, lied to him, betrayed him, broke trust... and it's impossible to reconcile "I love you" with "but I was sleeping with someone else". One negates the other. Understand? To him, you needed something more, more than him, and you just went and got it, to his detriment. Now, you are saying that you miss him and love him... but to him, those again are just things YOU need, and are trying to get. He doesn't see himself, his needs, his pain, in that. He just sees you getting what you need.

He understands what you did. He knows you are sorry. He just isn't sure if you're sorry that you did it, or that you're sorry you got caught. Since you lied so much to him (to be clear, I'm not picking on you, we ALL did the same thing) he HAS to assume it is the latter. Which again, in his heart, may feel like being cheated on all over again. It can feel as if you are still putting what you need, over what he needs, and he keeps paying the price for it.

So think about that a bit. Since words don't matter right now, actions are the only thing he has to go on. And to that end, if he is even to consider staying, he needs a reason to. "Ooops, I fucked up" isn't a good one. Instead, he needs to see change. He needs to see you going to IC, support groups, here. He needs to see you sacrifice for him. He needs to see you put him first. Most of all, he needs to know that you see and feel the pain he is going through, and I mean really understand it. And that will take time.

Take some time to reflect and figure out what the hell happened and why. And keep coming back and reading, and asking questions, there is a lot of wisdom here to be had.